How To Become A Lesbian Trophy Wife

Money makes the world go around. Liza with a Z knows it, so does Donald Trump, heck even the pope is aware of this fact (check out his pad in Vatican City). Even if you were born in a wheelie bin, there are ways and means to improve your financial standing. You could win the lottery, become a diamond thief or get a job. All are viable, if unrealistic choices relying on luck or the application of physical and mental effort, which can be time-consuming. There is an alternative. Fast track your way to the money by becoming a lesbian trophy wife. Now is the time to jump on to the greed is good bandwagon.

How Do You Scrub Up?

Before you can find a rich wife, assess your appearance. Looking like Kate Moennig or Angelina Jolie will work in your favour but even if you’re a plain Jane you should at least be able to score a minor showbiz type. The only no no is if you have an ex’s name tattooed on your body. Of course it was important to have the name Delilah branded on your bum during the pagan binding ceremony with your former partner but now you want to be a money grabbing she-devil get the tat lasered.

Location, Location, Location

The locations to find a rich wife at include women writers’ workshops, sporting events and fashion shows (loads of models are dykes or at least dabbling in bisexuality).

Wait until your future wife is standing on her own and then confidently approach.  Commend her writing ability/firm muscles/walking skills while coyly playing with your hair. If you have a crew cut opt for a seductive pout. Once she’s finished thanking you, follow with the line, “It must be wonderful being an inspiration to so many but the pressure you’re under has to be intense”. Strike a compassionate pose and act as if you’re listening when future wife tells you money cannot buy happiness and how lonely she is even when she’s in a crowded room. Make sympathetic noises and tell future wife you’d like to get to know the person behind the public façade. Give her your phone number saying she can call whenever she feels down or fancies meeting up for a coffee.

First Date

Future wife will call several times to determine your sincerity and to find out if you're the sort of person who would sell a warts and all expose about her to the tabloids. No matter how stressed out you are remain calm on the phone. NEVER talk about your problems. Your job is to listen, offer advice and assert what a unique person she is. Mention the coffee date and arrange to meet when it’s convenient for her. Dress to impress.

As soon as you see her, kiss her cheek and say how beautiful she is. Pull her seat out and do not sit down until she does. As you learn more about your future wife lie and say you have the same beliefs she does. You’re probably on safe ground by claiming you are a feline loving, veggie eating yogi; even if cats make you go into anaphylactic shock, you'd rather cut off your big toe than give up bacon butties and see yoga as an unnecessary way to expend energy. If you want the money, sublimate your needs.

Trophy Wife Time

The first date will have gone so well there is sure to be a second date. Do not sleep with future wife until the third date. By this point she will have fallen in love with you. In the bedroom concentrate on her needs. You might be horny as hell but wait until she’s had the ‘perfect moment’ before attending to yours. Ask about any sexual fantasies and do your best to cater for them. Do not suggest kinky stuff unless you are sure she will find it a turn on.

At the end of the fifth date move into her palatial house. She might be in the closet so if any reporters come over to her house pretend you are the nanny of her many cats.

Tell future wife you love her and want to spend the rest of your life together but are worried people will think you’re after her stacks of cash. She will be thrilled by the love declaration and ignore the part about you being a gold digger by buying you a Porsche. Propose to her (it’s irrelevant if the country you are living in does not recognise same-sex marriages as you can always buy off a government official to change the law) and when she says yes agree to a small, tasteful wedding in Mauritius inviting one hundred of your closest celebrity chums. Revel in the knowledge that you are a lesbian trophy wife.