Which L Word Character Are You?

1. What would be your dream job?

a) Museum Director of The Louvre.

b) Stay at home wife of an A-type personality.

c) Sex machine with a sideline in hairdressing.

d) Writer of pretentious drivel.

e) Gossip columnist for The National Enquirer.

f) Snoop Dogg backing singer.

g) Job? I have no idea what you're talking about.

2. Your idea of fun is:

a) Schtupping blue-collar workers, meditating and retaining my position as alpha female in my group of friends.

b) Re-evaluating my sexuality. Also, I like to alternate between being a caring earth mother and an emotionally distant business type.

c) Drinking copious amounts of beer, snorting drugs off lithe, young bodies and having jiggy jiggy with as many women as possible.

d) Alienating people with my nonsensical witterings and then cutting myself in a desperate bid for attention.

e) Falling in love with my best friend after years of not finding her remotely attractive, role-play and stalking.

f) Being very chilled-out about everybody else’s lifestyle choices, no matter how wacky and self-destructive, whilst highly disapproving of my son’s narrow-mindedness.

g) Using my mother's money to buy people off.

3. How do others perceive you?

a) Ball-buster.

b) Increasingly self-sufficient.

c) Nympho.

d) Freak of nature.

e) Very funny.

f) Sympathetic listener.

g) During the course of a year my personality changed from an evil version of the A-type ball buster's to being a hell of a lot easier to deal with. Your guess is as good as mine as to what alternate reality version I'll be of myself next.

4. You like wearing…

a) Expensive business suits.

b) Shapeless dresses.

c) Jeans and a shirt with no bra so there is easy access for wandering hands.

d) Although you live in penury you manage to wear $500 designer creations and flounce around like an Audrey Hepburn wannabe.

e) Funky tops which expose your tattoo, cute skirts and trousers.

f) Bold colours and patterns which few individuals can get away with.

e) Clothes that cost the same amount of money as a Montana ranch.

5. Favourite drink?

a) Martini made with product placed vodka.

b) Well it was white wine but then I changed my mind, now it’s a screwdriver but that could change again.

c) Bottled beer.

d) Absinthe.

e) A fruity cocktail.

f) I’m an old soak so it’s best I stick to coffee.

g) Krug Champagne.

6. If your house was on fire which one item would you rescue from it?

a) A charcoal drawing of a fawn by an artist nobody has ever heard of.

b) Nothing, I’d just want to save myself.

c) The blonde delivery girl I’d been screwing when the fire alarm went off.

d) My diary.

e) The creepy shrine dedicated to my ex.

f) A limited edition single I cut with a gangsta rapper.

g) I have plenty of houses and plenty of assets so I could easily replace whatever gets torched.

7. What keeps you awake at night?

a) Loss of control.

b) Not being able to pay the bills and wondering whether you’re Arthur or Martha.

c) Dirty sex.

d) Scary memories about carnivals and fairgrounds.

e) Lesbo vampire cults.

f) The musical stylings of Betty.

g) Relying on my personality to make friends.

If you scored mostly…

a) You’re Bette. You know what you want and you’re not afraid to get it. You excel at work because you are a high achiever with oodles of intelligence but when it comes to the icky business of relationships you’re less sure of yourself. You find it hard showing your vulnerable side and a consequence of this can mean people wrongly assume you’re cold-hearted.

b) You’re Tina. You’re attracted to strong, independent types. However, at the first sign of weakness you’ll be out of the door like a jackrabbit. You find it hard to speak your mind preferring to express your displeasure by engaging in random acts of cyber-sex and trying to hide a pregnancy even though it’s blindingly obvious you’re up the duff. You are not above hiring a lawyer to fight your relationship battles.

c) You’re Shane. You are the coolest person in Cooldonia. Men and women fall at your feet which is good news for you because your sex drive is higher than Michael Douglas’ and he had to register at a clinic for his addiction. You enjoy the heady cocktail of clubs, drugs and shagging and can’t see yourself ever settling down in boring suburbia.

d) You’re Jenny. You’re mad as cake. Not content to bore people rigid with your tortured history you feel the need to write your memoirs down as a way to exorcise your personal demons. On the plus side you seem to take it extremely well whenever one of your partners cheats on you which always seems to happen when they realise how loopy you are.

e) You’re Alice. You’re funny and come across a rational, good-natured sort. However, you find break-ups incredibly hard and have trouble letting go. You will obsess about an ex to the point where you will ingest pills to blot out your sadness. You are not adverse to spying on your ex and building a shrine in their honour. You need incredibly good sex to get over any heartache and then you will revert back to your old, hilariously, humorous self.

f) You’re Kit. You’ve been there, done that and bought the T-shirt. You’ve screwed up your life in everyway possible and emerged on the other side as a well-balanced, empathetic person. You’re the woman everybody seeks out if they need good advice.

g) You're Helena. You find it hard to relate to other people and as such use money as a way to extricate yourself out of tricky situations. You also have an uneasy relationship with your parents and find it hard living up to their expectations. Try not relying on your bank account so much thereby letting others see the real person behind the cash.