Star at Night, Soho

Number of lesbians I asked if they had issues: 0

Number of lesbians who admitted they did have issues: 1

Candy Bar, Brighton

Having enjoyed going to the Candy Bar in London I decided, with two friends, to check out its sister venue in Brighton. Keen to get the party started, the three of us were knocking at Candy Bar’s door at 9pm. Yes, I know it’s early and my mates did try and persuade me to go and have a drink somewhere else first but I was eager to see how it matched up to the London version. A bemused and very cute girl came to the door and informed us the CB wouldn’t be open for another thirty minutes.

My friends and I sloped off to a nearby pub where, for the next half hour, we were entertained by two elderly ladies busting a move to what sounded like a Kenny Rogers medley.

We returned to CB making sure to get the booth nearest the bar. The Candy Bar is fairly small which isn’t a bad thing. As the room filled with a mix of guys and girls I realised what a cheerily intimate place it was.

It turned out that the cute girl we’d met earlier was one of the barmaids. I admit I did make as many visits to the bar as humanly possible so I could chat with her but all of the staff were attentive, efficient and, most importantly, good laughs.

The DJ played electronica dance and even though I’m not a big fan, I downed a few slippery nipples and ended up having a great time cutting a rug on the dance floor.

One of my friends pulled without having to lift a finger. She had her arm resting against a wall and a shy wallflower in the next booth proceeded to suck my mate’s fingers before launching into a full-on snog.

Everybody in CB seemed to be a regular except for me and my friends and two women I spoke to who had driven down from London. Fortunately, it wasn’t cliquey and I liked it that Brighton Candy Bar was the lesbian equivalent of the TV show Cheers. Go there a few times and everyone would be sure to know your name.

Number of lesbians I asked if they had issues: 5

Number of lesbians who admitted they did have issues: 5

The Granby, Reading 

I went to The Granby in Reading and it was deserted. Okay I lie. Tired looking staff outnumbered me and my friend by at least 50%. I realised we got there too early; (why the hell do I start my evenings out in gay bars so prematurely?) the sleepy barman explained this to me as he poured our drinks.

As we waited for more people to arrive I checked out my surroundings. The Granby has two levels and smack bang in the middle of the ground floor is a pool table. This is a great idea as no matter where you are seated in the pub you can surreptitiously check out the women playing. Tables are pushed next to the walls leaving a space in the middle for dancing. Cheesy pop which included Kylie and The Pussycat Dolls was replaced by classic dance tracks as the evening progressed.

The Granby began to fill up and I was struck by the eclectic mix of people. There were more women than men which I've not noticed before in a mixed gay bar. One suspiciously shabby bloke moved from table to table and did not seem to speak to anyone else. Maybe the voices in his head were keeping him company. There were a few middle-aged straight couples, an edgy baby butch with a supermodel girlfriend and, most disconcerting of all, a young student with a woman at least 25 years her senior who on first sighting I presumed was the mother but once she started canoodling with barely legal girl I reassessed my presumption.

We left The Granby early in order to catch the last train home and wisely picked the carriage inhabited by a group of shit-faced public school boys. Next time I visit The Granby I want to stay longer and see if I can pull a supermodel or at least cop off with a woman of pensionable age.

Number of lesbians I asked if they had issues: I didn't ask anyone because I was a wee bit nervous.

Number of lesbians who admitted they did have issues: Read above. However there was one girl who looked like she'd been dressed by Stig Of The Dump so I'm pretty sure she had issues.