Are You A Lesbian With Issues?
1. Which term best describes you?
a) Po-faced
b) Victim
c) Passive aggressive
d) Well-adjusted
2. In your spare time you like to…
a) Take up noble causes. Did you know Canadian muskrat numbers have been seriously depleted because of mankind’s inhumanity? It should be every woman’s aim to bring down the patriarchal hierarchies that are destroying this planet. Right on sister-girlfriend.
b) Cocoon yourself in a darkened room, adopt the foetal position and rock gently whilst reliving the memory of playground bullies calling you, “Hairy legs Lesley”.
c) Go ten-pin bowling. As everyone starts to enjoy themselves get slapped-arse face, sigh loudly and if any person asks what’s wrong say, “Nothing” in an unconvincing tone. Threaten to leave because you’re ‘tired’ but instead stay, thereby leeching the joy out of everyone in a 10-metre radius.
d) Have a few bevies, catch up with your friends’ gossip and then go for a boogie.
3. Favourite meal?
a) As long as it’s organic, Fair trade, free range, free of human suffering I will deign to eat it.
b) Half a digestive biscuit and a cup of tepid water. I’m borderline anorexic, plus I have food allergies.
c) A gastronomic Indian feast I’ve spent hours preparing for guests. If I do not receive constant praise of how great the food is, I will have a hissy fit and forcibly eject everyone from my basement flat.
d) I’ll eat anything.
4. You know you’re in love when…
a) Your girlfriend gives up her Amnesty International charity work so you can both make the long-term commitment of adopting a three-legged cat suffering from feline AIDS.
b) You’re not allowed to be in an intimate relationship. Your therapist has warned that you can’t possibly love anyone until you learn how to love and respect yourself.
c) Your girlfriend cancelled a night out with her best mate whose mother just died because you sulked and withdrew sexual favours until she agreed never to have contact with any of her friends ever again.
d) You’ve had the shittiest day at work. It’s cold and rainy, you’re hungry and tired. Seeing your girlfriend makes you forget everything except how happy you are with her.
5. Go shorty, it’s your birthday. What would be the perfect present to get you?
a) A Sarah McLachlan CD and framed copy of a Camille Paglia article. Brownie points are awarded if the article mentions male castration.
b) ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’, volumes one to ten.
c) If you don’t get the Ipod you’ve been talking about for the past month you will slam every door in the house and stop doing your share of the housework until it’s correctly guessed as to why you’re in a bad mood and the situation is rectified.
d) Chocolate.
6. Disaster strikes, you’ve been dumped. What happens now?
a) It was bound to end. Although neither of you had ever been to West Africa, the argument about whether the Ashanti Tribe in Ghana should have Twi or Fante as their main dialect was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Next time you shall try and find someone even more PC and humourless than yourself.
b) As you already said, your therapist advises against dating. However, if you ever were to be dumped you’d probably resort to cutting yourself with a nail clipper as a way to show the outer world your inner pain.
c) Reveal your ex’s secrets to all and sundry. If your ex tries to remain on friendly terms ignore all their attempts at civility. Character assassinate them whilst maintaining the high moral ground as the one who was dumped.
d) Lots of crying as you think of the good times you shared. After a few months you’ll be feeling better and ready to move on with your life.
Results
If you answered mostly As:
Yes you have issues. It’s all right to be earnest and boringly self-righteous if you’re a student but you’re in the real world now. Do you have to keep banging on about social injustice? You’re bringing everyone down with your polemic viewpoints. Have half a real ale and do some karaoke at your local spit and sawdust pub. Please relax, you can save the planet tomorrow.
If you answered mostly Bs:
Aw poor you and bless those niggling issues of yours. Unfortunately bad things do happen to good people and you’ve had more than your fair share of a twilight world existence. Despite this, you’re just as entitled as anybody else to go out and have casual sex in a cineplex without it doing lasting damage to your limited self-esteem. Cheer up love, it will get better.
If you answered mostly Cs:
Cranky Pants you are the one most in denial about having issues. According to you, it’s everybody else who’s got the problem. You have an undeniable talent for piling the guilt on your nearest and dearest and will keep getting away with this behaviour until someone stands up to your bullshit. No wonder all the cool kids want to hang out with the lesbians because paragons of virtue, such as yourself, are knocking about.
If you answered mostly Ds:
Well done, you are issue free! You probably have loads of straight, gay, bisexual, male and female friends because you’re so easy-going and fun to be with. Are you sure you haven’t cheated? Seriously, are you really a lesbian? Maybe it’s best if you take the test again.
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