How To Cope With A Lesbian Break-up 

It can happen to anyone. One day you are making damson jam together and choosing non-garish shades of orange paint for your Cuban themed kitchen; the next you are arguing over whose turn it is to do the washing up and if a drunken snog with a sexy stranger in the Candy Bar counts as cheating. If it gets really bad between a lesbian couple they will split up. Deciding to remain the best of friends, despite such emotional upheaval, would show a remarkable amount of maturity and compassion. However, we live in the real world and lesbian break-ups are rarely that simple. In fact, they can be pretty horrible.

Dumper or dumpee?

It is always worse to be the one who is dumped. For the majority of people it is a blow to the self esteem to find out their services as a partner are no longer required. Who would be happy knowing their former girlfriend would rather, shack up with a trainee orthodontist met in an Internet chat room, join a religion where sex is forbidden or, most humiliating of all, spend some time on her own to ‘find herself’?

Your ex might not have given a reason why she wanted the relationship to end and that can be tough. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that if you had changed your behaviour she would have stayed. What’s done is done. If you did act in a way that was damaging to the relationship, make the positive decision not to bring the mistakes of the past into future partnerships and go easy on yourself.

The person who decides on the break up has a different price to pay and that is guilt. Unless you have a heart smaller than the wicked queen in Snow White it is difficult telling a woman you no longer want to be with them. The chances are they will react in a not entirely joyous way. Try your hardest to be gentle with your ex but make it clear the relationship is over. Do not bust out the cliché, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Your ex deserves better than that. Listen to what she has to say and as long as she is not abusive, be as sympathetic as possible.

Everyday I Love You Less And Less

The first days of a break up are the hardest. Resist the temptation to listen songs that remind you of her or read old love letters. Conjuring up memories of happier times with your ex could make you long for something which has come to a natural end. Have a spring clean to remove traces of her. If you cannot bear to throw anything away, store keepsakes and mementos out of sight. You can look at them when you are stronger mentally. Writing down your thoughts is a practical way to release pent-up emotions. Even if your scribbles consist of a massive rant against your ex it’s better to release the hurt and pain as soon as possible than let it eat you up inside. Pampering yourself also helps. Stock up on comfort food, watch your favourite films and do all the things you enjoy but did not have time for when you were in a relationship.

When you feel lonely and wonder if you will ever meet someone again recognise that you are in a vulnerable place and put less pressure on yourself. Concentrate on finding contentment on your own before actively looking for someone new to spend your life with.

Good mates are important during a break up as there will be times where it is a struggle to get out of bed and function like a rational human being. Friends will take you out and get you so drunk, that you won’t be able to remember your own name, let alone feel sad because you miss your ex. They will rally round, offering sympathy and gleefully list all the real and imagined faults of your ex. When you are snotty and miserable they will give you hugs and listen to your verbal diarrhoea as you analyse the break up for the thousandth time. 

You are likely to experience a tornado of emotions; anger, hurt, sadness, relief. If it can at all be avoided, steer away from bitterness. Bitterness is ugly and destructive. No matter what happened and who is to blame, bitterness will not help you get what you want. If you were treated badly, try viewing the break up as a lucky escape from an unsuitable partner. Engaging in slanging matches; making nasty phone calls in the middle of the night or being physically aggressive to your ex will do your cause do no good and could land you in trouble with the police. It sounds simplistic and easier said than done but turning the other cheek will help you move forward quicker and, in the process, become a stronger person.

After a break up, some women can remain friends with each other. It is great if you can stay on good terms with your ex. If you want more than your ex can offer, you must make a decision. Choose whether it is better to have a platonic friendship or no contact at all, at least, until you have accepted there will be no reconciliation. If it is your ex who wants to get back together, make it crystal clear this will not happen and then respect whatever decision she makes.

A relationship ending is one of the hardest things to deal with. We all screw up at some point and there is a good chance we will hurt the ones we love. However, we do learn valuable lessons from the hardships we encounter. If a break up occurs, allow yourself space to heal and start again. Never give up trying.