Misty Shackle's Blog

29th August

I spent the whole day avoiding Kelly. Eventually, she cornered me by the vending machine. She asked how I was and I said fine. Then she asked if I had a good time on Saturday. I made a hmm sound thereby not committing myself to a definitive answer. Kelly chose to take the hmm as an affirmation and invited Stephanie and myself to dinner in a fortnight's time. She made it very clear that it would only be the four of us. Holy crap! Is she intending to confront me about Dawn? I stalled for time and said I'd have see to if Stephanie was available. When I got home I tried calling her but could not get through again. What is the point of her owning a mobile if she never has it switched on?

Sam came over and picked up on my agitated state. I made out nothing was wrong but she could tell I was spooked because I added milk after pouring the tea which is so out of character and really bad etiquette. I girded my loins and made my confession. Remarkably Sam took it very well, a little too well. With a calmness bordering on a state of inertia, Sam said I was worrying over nothing. I asked, did it not concern her that Dawn was trying to get into my tighty whites? She shrugged and said if I was tempted to cheat on her, there really wasn't anything she could do to prevent me. Normally, I would have produced a selection of chocolate biscuits for her to have with the tea but after her non-reaction I decided not to bother. It soon became apparent there was more on Sam's mind than Earl Grey and chocolate gingers when she said we should have an early night. It was 7.30pm so I quickly realised she wanted sex. I am always the one who takes control so this time I changed the rules. I lay back waiting to see what she would do. She half-heartedly touched my chest and then asked me what I was doing. I told her I was waiting for her and that last time we had been together she said she was going to go down on me and now I didn't have my period, she could do that. She grimaced and said she wasn't sure. I got pissed off at this and said I knew she would be quite happy for me to do it to her so why couldn't she do it to me? She came out with the old, "I've never been with a woman and I don't know what to do blah, blah, blah." I don't care. There was a time when I had never been with a woman and I wasn't sure what I was doing. I also don't care how good or bad Sam is at oral sex. What matters is that she at least tries. Sam got out of bed and without saying a word, dressed and left. I was in such a bad mood by this point that I drank two beers in quick succession.

Stephanie called and I told her what happened with Sam. She was a good friend and told me that I was right to confront Sam about the oral sex problem. Stephanie wondered if Sam had trouble getting her head around the fact that she has lesbian tendencies. If I'm the one who takes control in bed and Sam remains passive she can convince herself that she really is straight. I'm not sure if this is true. Stephanie said the next time I speak to Sam I really need to find out what is going on. Stephanie's opinions were so interesting that I nearly forgot to mention the party. I told her Dawn made a pass at me. She said that was okay because Kelly made a pass at her. Then she said maybe they were swingers, it was a goldfish bowl party and because we left so early, we missed out on a orgy.  After Stephanie explained to me what a goldfish bowl party was I was scandalised. I am shocked that this sort of thing goes on in the lesbian community, thinking only gay men and bored housewives behaved in this manner. What I find most shocking however, is that Kelly decided to make a pass at Stephanie and not me.

30th August

Kelly invited me to lunch but I declined because I was scared of where the conversation might lead and also because I wanted to see what lesbian sex manuals the new Waterstone's in town had. I intended to buy one which had a beginner's guide to oral sex to give to Sam or, failing that, the book with the most explicit pictures. I searched both floors of the shop before asking a trainee sales assistant where the gay section was. She said she didn't know and went to ask her supervisor. When she returned the girl ruefully told me there was no gay section.

The store did have a 'Difficult Lives' section available for customers who get their kicks reading doom laden stories about orphans locked in basements for 37 years, who stay alive by eating cement and drinking from a septic tank; but no 'gay' section for the scores of shoppers boosting the economy with their pink pounds.

31st August

Lucy asked me if I wanted to become the new fire safety officer. Although it's a mundane job given to people who  like the minimal amount of power it allows them in the office I was quite happy  she asked me and nobody else. I need to give her my answer by Friday. One advantage in becoming the fire safety officer is getting time off work to go to health and safety conventions. I remember Christian saying the senior safety officers got unlimited tea refills at the conventions he went to and free sandwiches and sausage rolls at lunchtime. Have not heard from Sam since she stormed off. I am not concerned. I know she will call me soon.

1st September

As soon as I got into work, Lucy wanted to know if I'd decided to become the new fire safety officer. At the time I was googling Eliza Dushku and didn't want Lucy to see what I was doing so said yes just to get rid of her. I am supposed to go on the fire training course next week which suits me fine as I'll get a day away from processing bloody purchase orders.

There were no messages from Sam when I got home so I decided to visit her and make sure she was okay. She opened the door looking disgruntled. I asked if she was all right and she said she hadn't expected me to contact her after what happened the other day. I asked why and she said she didn't really want to have this conversation. It was confusing to me. Still standing on the doorstep, I pointedly asked if I could come in. She sighed and let me in, saying I couldn't stay for long because she was going out. Her attitude was so different to what I expected and it made me a little nervous. I stumbled over my words as I asked what was going on. Sam said she wanted to end it. I didn't understand so asked her why. She said she was straight and the thought of going down on me made her feel ill. Being with me made her realise she does not fancy women. The final question I asked was if she had someone else. She kind of laughed and told me it was best I leave.

It is now 4am.

I wish Dr Liebermann wasn't on holiday.

2nd September

Can't write. I don't want to feel like this.

3rd September

I spoke to one person this weekend. My mum called to see how I was doing. I lied, said everything was fine and she believed me.

4th September

I don't know what is wrong with me. I was like a ghost at work but nobody appeared to care. Even when I went for an air break that must have been at least twenty minutes long, Lucy did not say a word when I came back into the office.

In the evening I called Stephanie and she asked how my weekend was. Well if she had called me when I was going through the break up with Sam, she would have bloody known. I told her what happened and to her credit, Stephanie sounded dismayed. She offered to come over and I'm glad she did because it felt like I was suffocating in my apartment. At her suggestion I opened the windows to get some fresh air in which, admittedly, did help. Stephanie's crack at making me feel happier consisted of her theory that Sam was mixed up, didn't know what she wanted and it was better I found out now then before I got in too deep and fell in love. I asked how she knew I wasn't. Stephanie said if I had been in love I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from analysing it. The fact that I've spent a limited amount of time examining the relationship (well, apart from the sexual side) shows it did not mean that much to me. Stephanie might be my best friend, but she is no cognitive psychologist. She concluded that my motive for starting a relationship with a woman who classes herself as straight was because I fancied the pants off Sam and wanted to get my end away. The sex was unsatisfying and as there wasn't anything else holding us together, Sam did me a favour by calling it off. I took umbrage at the fact Stephanie thinks my subconscious is so base. I am hurting here. Stephanie, once again had a theory on that. She said my feelings were hurt because I was dumped. Well so would Stephanie's if she dated a woman who was so grossed out performing the most common sexual practices that she had to leave the room in case she threw up. I told Stephanie I did care about Sam and I was going to call her to prove it. Stephanie said I should leave it for a few days. I am not going to take Stephanie's advice. I shall call Sam. Thank God Dr Liebermann is back this week.

5th September

Sam had put a note in my letterbox. She left CDs at my house and wants them back. It hurt that she didn't want to speak to me face to face. I found the CDs, put them in a padded envelope and will post it tomorrow.

Stephanie called while I was looking through the fire safety information. She felt she'd been  callous to me yesterday regarding Sam. I said it was okay. Stephanie asked if I had spoken to Sam and I said I would but I too busy revising for the course tomorrow to do it tonight. We talked for ages about how tough it is finding a good girlfriend. She said when everything is okay she doesn't think about line dancer but if she's having a crappy time, she misses her. I didn't know they'd split up again. Stephanie decided not to tell me because I was going through my own difficulties. I am Stephanie's best friend. If she can't talk to me when she has issues she should get a therapist.  I offered Dr Liebermann's services but she said she doesn't want a therapist because her problems are small compared to a lot of people's. Stephanie's stoicism is admirable but I don't know how she manages it.

6th September

I've always found fire to be one of the more interesting elements. Not anymore, thanks to the safety documentary I saw. It was like watching a video nasty but with less zombies. Footage of burnt bodies was juxtaposed with a woman, who used to host a gardening programme, talking about how dangerous it is to sleep with a mobile phone under your pillow. Thank goodness I found out before I had the chance to accidentally set myself on fire. I now realise what a huge responsibility it is to be the fire warden. I have to check all fire exits at work at least once a week, test the alarm and get everyone to do a drill twice a year. To mark my new found respect for fire I wrote a poem.

Fire, fire burning higher

Too soon its flares can be a pyre

A caveperson sparked your genesis

Water is your nemesis

Your flames are combustive

And highly destructive

Fire is supposed to be sexy,

Finding it's not gave me apoplexy.

7th September

I came home to find Sam waiting on my doorstep. She was angry because I sent the CDs through the post. She asked why I hadn't given them to her like a normal person would, so then I became angry. I sent them recorded delivery; if I had taken the cheaper option and sent the package by regular post she might never have received the CDs, so I don't know what her problem is. Anyhow she was the one who couldn't meet me face to face, she left a me a bloody note. Sam said I was passive aggressive. I'd had enough by this point so let myself in and closed the door on her. I am not passive aggressive. I don't know what the hell Sam wants from me. She is the one who dumped me. I have shown a great deal of restraint. I haven't bitched about her to everyone I know, I haven't handed her address out to a load of junk mail companies or embarked on a neighbourhood hate campaign. I am the victim here not Sam.

To comfort myself after the altercation I had apple pie and custard for dinner. Then I watched amateur porn made by a highly inventive Portuguese couple until I became sleepy.

8th September

I am very pleased to report that Dr Liebermann is back in the country. Tonight's session was a joy. I told him Sam called me passive aggressive. Dr Liebermann said passive aggressive is one of those meaningless phrases; buzzwords overused by people who don't really know what it means. Ha, I should have suspected as much. Dr Liebermann said I am a confrontational resistant, a term first coined by his friend Dr Finkle. Dr Finkle seems like such a perceptive guy. We've never met but it's like he's prodded my emotional gashes and found answers to questions I didn't even know I had. Again I asked for Dr Finkle's email and again Dr Liebermann said no.

With Dr Liebermann's help I am now over Sam.

9th September

Oh shit.

I will write about what happened at Kelly and Dawn's house tomorrow.

10th September

Saturday evening started innocently enough. Stephanie and I took two bottles of Saint Clair Wairau Reserve Sauvignon Blanc to Kelly and Dawn's house. Knowing what I know now, I had worried unnecessarily about Kelly asking if I had done anything with Dawn. We ate fajitas and drank the wine. I became pleasantly sloshed and when Kelly opened a new bottle I happily accepted another glass. I can't remember what we were talking about but either Dawn or Kelly said they had a game we could play. Kelly went out of the room and reappeared with two large dice. There was writing on both dice. One die had verbs like kiss and the other had phrases like; the oldest person in the room. Stephanie said she was tired and wanted to go home but I was enjoying myself and didn't want to leave. Dawn said Stephanie could go home and they would order me a taxi later. Stephanie asked if I was sure I wanted to stay and I said yes.

When Stephanie left, Dawn put on a CocoRosie CD and we began to play the game. Kelly went first. She rolled the dice and got 'kiss the person on your left side' which was Dawn. Then it was my turn and I rolled 'hug the oldest person in the room' which again was Dawn. I can't exactly remember the next few rolls but there was a point where Kelly had to kiss me. I thought she was going to kiss me on the cheek but she kissed me on the mouth. I looked towards Dawn to see what her reaction was but she was laughing. She said it looked like fun and she was too impatient to wait her turn. Then she kissed me on the mouth. It turned into a French kiss and I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. Things happened quickly after that. Dawn kissed Kelly and put her hand down Kelly's jeans. I wasn't sure what to do so I just watched them. Dawn took her shirt off and then her bra. My mouth became very dry so I quietly excused myself and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I wasn't in there for very long before Dawn came in and asked if I was okay. I didn't turn around because if I had I would have just stared at her boobs and I thought that would have been quite rude of me as I was a guest in their house. I said yes, did a nervous laugh and gulped down the water. Dawn was right behind me when she asked if I was embarrassed. I said no and did the nervous laugh again. Then Dawn asked if I was having a good time. I said yes. Dawn said I didn't sound sure so she thought she had better check. Before I could stop her, her hand was down the front of my jeans and pushing my knickers down. Her fingers slipped inbetween my legs. She laughed and said now she could tell that I was having a good time. I got lost in what was happening and just let Dawn touch me. I wasn't aware that Kelly was in the room until I heard her say, "What's going on here?" I thought shit and tried to move Dawn's hand away but Kelly laughed and said she was enjoying watching us. It was kind of weird and a bit of a turn off. Then I felt hands trying to undo my bra and I realised Kelly had joined us. I asked if this was okay and Dawn said it was good. Kelly wanted us to move back into the lounge so I detached myself from the pair of them and the three of us went back there.

I'd never had a threesome before. It was good but odd as well. There were moments during it when I found it very surreal especially when Kelly and I went down on Dawn at the same time and we were kind of French kissing each other as we tasted her. The best bit for me was when Kelly was between my legs and Dawn was sucking my nipples. They gave me the most intense orgasm I'd ever had.

We played around like this until about 6am, by which point we were all exhausted. Dawn said she was going to bed and Kelly asked if I wanted to join them there. I said no. I was tired and things had changed. This couple had been my friends. I had, had sex with them and it was a fantastic experience but now it was over I kind of felt out of place being with them. Kelly called me a taxi and I went home. Before I left Kelly said we'd have to do this again. I agreed. I did have fun but I'm not sure what it means and how it changes my friendship with them. I mean I work with Kelly. What if it somehow got out at work what we'd done? I'd have to leave.

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