Misty Shackle's  Blog

7th August

Kelly and I went out for lunch. Stephanie said to leave Sam alone but I wanted somebody else's perspective so I told Kelly I had a friend who seemed unsure of their sexuality and they might be straight but it was just as likely they were bi or gay and if she thought I should broach the subject with them. In a sort of dismissive tone Kelly said everyone at work already knew I was a lesbian and I shouldn't pretend I had a 'friend'. Shocked I asked what she was talking about. She said on her first day in the office Mark told her I was a lesbian. What the hell, how does he know? She said it wasn't a big deal to be out at the office. I admitted I was gay but I did have a friend who I felt might like girls. Kelly said it is always best to be out and I should talk to Sam about it. I went back to the office paranoid everyone was talking about me.

8th August

I'm sure everyone at work is talking about me being a lesbian. I entered a room today and whatever conversation my boss and his boss were having instantly dried up. Are they so lacking in discussion subjects they have to rely on my gayness? I went home mildly miserable, made lamb chops for dinner, and had a bath. I did not notice until I was getting ready for bed that a note had been placed under my door. It was from Sam. She wrote that there are things we need to discuss and she wants me to come over when I'm available. It was too late to go then so I shall have to see her tomorrow.

9th August

Work is still strange. At lunch I told Kelly people were acting differently to me. She said I had an overactive imagination. I thought about calling each individual person in my office to the water cooler to discuss my issues in private. Kelly thought that was a rubbish idea because it definitely would make people talk about me. I'm not so sure and if the situation continues as it is I will do it. I put off seeing Sam. I don't want to hear what she has to say if it stays along the lines of her being straight and me mistaking her overtures of friendship for something else. Denial thy name is Sam-whatever-her-surname-is.

10th August

Mike chatted me up. He asked why I haven't got a boyfriend and hadn't had one since I knew him. I coyly told him I was picky. He walked away smiling. Mike so wants to date me. Kelly has got it all wrong. I didn't want to rub her nose in it so kept the conversation with Mike to myself.

11th August

Dr Liebermann is going on holiday soon which means I won't have my sessions for two weeks. It's not a very practical system for long term clients. It would be much better if he took a mobile with him to Waikiki and then, if there is an emergency I, as well as other patients, can call him. I will make a list of all my problems while he is away but fear it will be hard to clear the massive backlog. My box is too small to contain them all, hence the list.

12th August

Sam knocked on my door. I checked the peephole, saw it was her and didn't answer the door. I tried to tiptoe as quietly as possible from the door. I'm not sure if she heard me but she knocked at the door four more times. For about ten minutes after her last knock, I stood perfectly still until I was sure she left. Then I continued baking meringue for the raspberry pavlova I was making.

13th August

I woke up a little before 9am and was annoyed because I'd wasted half the morning sleeping. I must be suffering from nervous exhaustion. I ate the remaining pavlova slices while watching an Australian children's TV programme. The devilish combination of Antipodean mirth and sugary cream perked me up no end. The doorbell rang and it was Sam. Even though I was dressed in my faded teddy bear pjs I answered the door, opening it a fraction of the way so that Sam could not see the holes in the crotch of my pj bottoms. She wanted to talk. I told her to give me five minutes, closed the front door and changed.

When I opened the door again I invited her in and made a cup of tea. She was sat on the sofa, so when I gave her the drink I sat on the floor, firstly so she would not think I was going to pounce on her and secondly because I still hadn't brushed my teeth and didn't know how bad my morning breath was. Sam said how she'd had trouble sleeping since she last saw me and she was very confused. She told me that she was straight and even though in the past she'd had crushes on girls she always knew that eventually she would get married and have kids. I told her that she could get married and have kids (crap) with a woman and she agreed but that it would be hard and she wanted to be straight. She wanted the ideal of  house with the white picket fence two children and a dog. I thought about saying to her that even for straight people it can be hard to attain that but kept my mouth shut. I asked her if she wanted another cup of tea and she said no. I excused myself, went to the bathroom, thoroughly brushed my teeth and rejoined her. She looked so sad. Sam admitted that she always found women physically more attractive than men and started to cry.

At first I didn't know what to do. Normally I would hug a person if they started crying. I went into the kitchen and bought the kitchen roll out so she could blow her nose and wipe her face. She kept crying and so I tentatively put my arm over her shoulder and then pulled her in for a hug. As she sobbed in my arms I inhaled the scent of her hair. It smelled like limes. She was able to calm down and I pulled away from her. Just then the phone rang and I wasn't going to take it but Sam said I should. It was Stephanie who was dead excited because she was out shopping in Kingston and saw Tracey Cox from Would Like To Meet. Normally, I would have been as excited as Stephanie but the full on drama that was erupting in my lounge made it an impossibility. I quickly told her Sam was over so we kept the call short and Stephanie promised to tell me about Tracey later.

Sam asked about the call and we briefly chatted about Stephanie. Then Sam took one of my hands and traced the outline of my fingernails. My heart beat faster and my stomach started doing lazy flips. She moved closer to me and as she spoke her breath tickled my neck and ear. She said she found me attractive and I found it so hard to concentrate that I think I said, 'mmm' as a response. Then she pulled away and asked me what I thought of her. I told her that she was lovely. She bit her lip and I remembered Tracey Cox saying that when someone bites their lip it shows that they wanted to be kissed. Very slowly I moved my face nearer to Sam's. She moved closer. I opened my mouth, gently kissed her bottom lip and then kissed her fully on the mouth. She opened her mouth and touched my tongue with her own. The kiss grew deeper and I took her into my arms. We stayed like that for I don't know how long. It was wonderful. My hands which had been on resting on her shoulders started to explore her body. One stroked her neck and the other moved down so it was resting just above her bottom. I could feel myself getting more turned on. I knew she liked it too as she started to moan. I moved my hand from her back to stroke her stomach. She didn't stop me. I moved it upwards so it was below her breast. Again Sam didn't stop me. I went higher so that my fingertips skimmed the outline of her breast. Even though my hand was above her clothes I could feel that her nipple was hard. I stroked it and then she flinched. She pulled back and we stopped kissing. I asked her if everything was all right and she said yes but she had to go. I asked her if I had done anything she didn't like and she said no but she had to go. She stood up and because I didn't know what else to say, thanked her for coming over. She said that was fine, she would call me and then left. I thought about calling Stephanie to tell her what happened but I didn't because I didn't want the phone line to be busy in case Sam called me. She didn't call me.

14th August

Confusion La Plus Complete

If we were French I would call you my amour

and you would be aware that  je t'adore

But we are English and so I hide away

Oh purest joy if I beheld you today

I wish for the time when we can

again speak in tongues.

I am not going to waste my time pining for Sam and her freewheeling sexuality. I called Stephanie and she told me more about Tracey Cox. I found out Tracey is smaller than she appears on television, is attractive and her legs are in proportion with the rest of her body. I cut Stephanie's dialogue short. There was so much to tell her about Sam that it was better to wait for when I could fully explain it to her down the pub. Also, Stephanie was hogging the line and I might have missed important calls if she had blardeyed on for any longer.

15th August

The horror! I have a longer than normal black hair growing out of my chin. This is the worst day of my life. I only discovered it when I came home from work. I had been walking around all day, talking to people as if nothing was wrong only to find out I have a genetic mutation. I'm not sure which is worse, Sam going AWOL or me becoming the bearded lady. I should pack up my bags now and join a circus freakshow. I pored over my body in search of more hirsuteness.

Sam did actually call but I told her now was not an ideal time to talk to because I was dealing with an emergency situation. We arranged to meet tomorrow and I hung up on her. I spent the rest of the evening examining my body and am happy to report it is only the rogue hair in my chin that I need to be concerned about. I plucked it and then worried two more would grow in its place. I'm too young to be dealing with these kind of biological problems. What next; a premature menopause and smelling like TCP?

16th August

I worked through lunch so I could get home early and prepare for the rendezvous with Sam. I had a quick shower, checked for hair growth, put on my prettiest knickers (just in case), a brown tank top and my favourite jeans.  I was too excited to eat much so had a slice of bread with cheese, leftover ratatouille and a guarana Boost. There was a knock on the door at 7pm. It was Sam. She looked gorgeous. I tentatively opened my arms for a hug but she brushed past me into the lounge and asked me to close the door. Once the door was closed she asked me why I wanted to let the neighbours know what was going on between us. I said I didn't. Then she asked why I tried to hug her when anyone on the landing could have seen us. I said no one was going to care and people hug all the time. There was a silence as she digested this information so I asked her if she wanted a glass of wine thinking it would loosen her up.  

We had wine and it did help. Sam said that if anything happened between us, not that it was going to, but if it did she didn't want anyone to know about it. Again she said that she was straight. Then she held my hand. I took this as a good sign and stroked her ear lobe then kissed it. She began to kiss my neck. We moved position and then we kissed fully on the mouth. Her hand knocked one of the glasses over spilling Chardonnay over my Peruvian prayer mat. Sam did apologise but I couldn't help thinking that I would need to scrub it down later. However, I acted as if unduly concerned. I pulled her underneath me, so she was sprawled out on the sofa, being careful to move the other wine glass well out of the way. We kissed and kissed and I moved my hands onto her chest. She didn't stop me but kept her hands firmly holding the back of my neck as if she was prohibited from venturing further south. Slowly, I unbuttoned her shirt waiting for her to stop me but she never did. I pushed down her left bra cup and let my fingers trace the skin there. I replaced my fingers with my lips and I know she liked it by the way she was moaning but almost as soon as I had begun I had to stop. Sam said no and buttoned her shirt. I asked her what was the matter and she said she was definitely straight. I am sick to death of hearing that. She apologised and it made me really angry. I'm not there so she can take a short break into lesbo land when it suits her. If she's straight then great for her or if she's bi or gay even better but I wish she would make up her mind about what she wants.

I scrubbed the prayer mat until some of the threads frayed, looked at tastefully made porn and then had an early night with my vibrator. I will not mention Sam in this blog ever again.

17th August

I met Kelly for lunch and naturally, conversation turned to her home life. She said Dawn had a jealous personality. Everything is fine for a while and then she will accuse Kelly of flirting with another girl. Kelly laughed while she told me this and insisted it was not true. At the moment Dawn thinks Kelly is getting too friendly with the linebacker in their hockey team. The linebacker is squat and wears jumpers with Disney characters on them so Kelly would never be interested. I had an eyelash on my cheek which Kelly thoughtfully removed, although it took a couple of goes before she got it.

18th August

Reluctant as I am to mention Sam to Dr Liebermann I made an exception tonight. If I cannot talk about her in this blog anymore I need somewhere else to go vent. He was not taking his vocation seriously. In the middle of describing the upheaval Sam has spewed forth into my existence he went off on a tangent and mentioned his holiday in Waikiki. I don't see how Dr Leibermann wearing a lei and sipping rum punch out of a coconut shell is meant to untangle the cosmic mess I am in. I told him I wanted to concentrate on me and my life and he became quite sullen. How hard is his job anyway? He gets paid to listen to people bitch and moan about trifling matters. It is not often a psychiatrist will encounter an enigma like myself.

If he wrote a case study about me and it got published, would I receive a percentage of the royalties? I should mention this idea to him. It could make us very rich. I would give up my awful job and go on the celebrity lecture circuit with Dr Liebermann. Would we share the same tour bus or have one each? What about the groupies?

19th August

In the morning I went out shopping for carpet stain remover. Who should I see but Sam with the little boy. I've never found out who the kid is or even what it's called. Well, it's too late now to try and care about where he originates from. Sam saw me so I quickened my pace to make it look as if I was in a hurry to go somewhere interesting. She did not try and stop me getting into my car. I flicked through my CD cases, put on Meredith Brooks' Bitch at full volume, opened the sun roof and zoomed off.

While I was out, Stephanie called and we arranged to go out in the evening.  When I came back, Sam was still outside with the child. They had water pistols and were making a lot of noise. I passed them and felt a jet of water hit my shoulder. There was an insincere sorry from the Oompa Loompa and then it laughed which shows a flagrant lack of respect for adults and indicates the child, in all probability, will become a juvenile delinquent. Sam said nothing so I was the mature one out of the three of us and walked into the apartment block in dignified silence.

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