Misty Shackle's Blog
20th July
My job bores the pants off me. I need a change, a place where my creativity will be cultivated and I shall be handsomely rewarded for any invaluable contributions I make. It wouldn't hurt if it had an all female staff of women between the ages of 25 and 45 who were questioning their sexuality and needed help from a pro to tune into their lesbianity. Is that even a word? I've been putting off calling Sam. She's probably busy on Saturday.
21st July
I told Dr Liebermann about my job concerns and he said if I really didn't like my job, I needed to make a positive change and leave. He suggested going to the job centre, agencies, looking in the local newspapers. I said I wanted to do something completely different and he asked if I considered returning to university. I looked at him askance and told him I couldn't afford to do that; it would mean cutting down on luxury (but essential) items such as therapy sessions. He agreed with me, said further education was overrated and perhaps I was in a trough at work and soon would be back on a peak. Yes, if I hold out for long enough it might get better in the office. Still haven't called Sam. I've left it too late now.
22nd July
I deliberately stayed outside most of the morning and afternoon in an attempt to see Sam. I'd made a deal with myself. If I saw Sam I would invite her to the Sovereign. If I didn't see her it meant fate had intervened and we weren't meant to go out tonight. She knows that I sunbathe on Saturdays so if she wanted to, she could have come and seen me. While I was out on the lawn, Stephanie called me to say line dancer wasn't going. I tried to force regret into my voice but inside my heart was leaping with joy. Stephanie asked if I'd spoken to Sam. I sort of lied and said I'd tried to contact her but she hadn't been about. Stephanie told me to keep trying and if Sam didn't come out, we would still have a good night.
23rd July
I am an idiot. I made a pass at Stephanie. I don't why. I mixed my drinks even having a couple of gins. I think I was horny and believed that I would never get anywhere with Sam so I made a pass at Steph. I don't fancy her, she's my mate. She was nice about it. She told me that it wasn't a good idea and that she liked line dancer and I liked Sam. I do believe if she had said yes I would have slept with her and that would have meant the end of our friendship. Why do I go out of my way to embarrass myself? Stephanie called me up today to make sure I was okay. I didn't want to talk about the night before but she said there was no harm done. She made me laugh and it got rid of any underlying uneasiness. She also told me I needed to call Sam or go round to her apartment and make concrete plans for a night out. Stephanie is right, I've got to stop being a coward.
24th July
Work I do + office I work in = dullsville.
25th July
With Stephanie's encouragement (it's like having a motivational speaker at the end of the phone line) I went into Sam's apartment block and with trepidation, knocked on her door. I must have knocked too quietly because there was no answer but when I knocked again, Sam answered. She was dressed in pj bottoms, a tank top and was drying her hair with a towel. I imagined what it would be like to softly kiss her lips. I was so lost in my daydream I missed the first part of what she said to me. I nodded hoping it was an appropriate response. I asked if she was free on Saturday and she said yes. Panicking because I couldn't think of any small talk I gave her a time and abruptly left. She might have called my name as I hurried down the stairs but I didn't look back so I can't be sure. I called Stephanie and she sounded more pleased about the date than I felt. I suppose I'm shock Sam agreed and this will be a concrete set in stone date. I need to make a list of conversation topics for the weekend so I can practice making myself hilarious in some way.
26th July
Today, a new girl started at work. She is called Kelly. Mike was showing her around and when he came to my desk he said, "This is the woman I was telling you about. You should have a lot in common". Having never met this woman before, I had no idea what he was blabbering on about but I smiled and exchanged social pleasantries.
27th July
I had a proper chat with Kelly. She was in the work's kitchen when I went in to get my Pelegrino out of the fridge. While she was making teas she told me about her previous jobs as a gardener, a chalet maid in Switzerland and a private detective's assistant. I asked why she would want to work in an office after she's had such interesting jobs. She said she'd bought a house with Dawn and so needed a regular income, which she didn't get with the other jobs. I asked who Dawn was surmising it was a close friend. It turns out Dawn's her girlfriend. Kelly looked confused and said she thought I knew. Kelly said she told Mike yesterday and presumed everyone in the office now knew she was a lesbian. He didn't tell. I praised Kelly on her openness and she gave me a funny look.
28th July
Late morning I sent Kelly an email regarding office protocol on recycling. She sent me a reply with 135 reasons why chocolate is better than men. I responded with my favourite lighthearted joke about feminists and lightbulbs. Throughout the afternoon we bombarded each other with amusing non work related emails. I was in such a great mood when I got home that I nearly didn't feel the need to go to therapy. However, Dr Liebermann would have been disappointed if I didn't show up so I used the session to talk about my childhood problems which we've extensively covered many times before.
29th July
I bought a new top for tonight. I rehearsed my opening speech and the
list of questions I would be asking Sam. I also worked on looking
attentive so when Sam talked it looked as if I was interested in what
she had to say. Stephanie picked me up at 7.47pm and we talked through
my nerves. Then she told me line dancer would be joining us. I
instantly got slapped arse face and Stephanie told me I needed to ditch
that look as it was not sexy. We walked over to Sam’s apartment block
and as we passed Steph’s car I did a half wave in line dancer’s general
direction. When Sam opened her door to us it was like a vision of near
perfection. My mouth dried, I had trouble forcing out a hello so
Stephanie took up the conversation slack. We got into her car, Sam
exchanged hellos with line dancer who Steph introduced as a friend of
ours (she’s absolutely not a friend of mine) and we set off to The
Sovereign.
I drank two double vodkas before I felt relaxed enough to
speak to Sam. A lot of what she said I couldn’t hear as it was so loud
in there so I smiled until my face ached. We went to the toilet
together and it was cool because I finally heard her properly. She said
she liked The Sovereign (good), Stephanie is a laugh (yes) and line
dancer was interesting (yeah to an extremely bored person). As she
talked she touched my arm which in body language terms is an excellent
sign. Unfortunately, we weren’t in the toilets for very long. When we
rejoined Steph, something had happened with line dancer because they
weren’t talking. We stayed at The Sovereign until last orders and when
Steph dropped us off I walked Sam back to her house. I was a little
drunk and it worked in my favour as I was totally relaxed. She invited
me in for a coffee but as it was after 11pm I knew the caffeine would
prevent me from sleeping so I refused. She said goodbye and I went back
to my place. Shit, I still don’t know if she likes women.
30th July
I spent the day deliberating whether to call Sam or go round her
place. Decided it was too soon to make a move so I stayed indoors and
played on the internet instead.
31st July
Invites have been sent out for the office Christmas do. They need
to be handed in by the end of the week. It's the end of July for
goodness sake. I am not holding out much hope for the venue as it's a
Holiday Inn at the airport.
1st August
Stephanie rang up and asked if I noticed there was a bit of an
atmosphere on Saturday. I said yes, obviously something was going on.
She told me line dancer got annoyed because she thought Stephanie was
checking other women out. It is so not true, Stephanie is the most
monogamous person I know. Even when she's been single and we've gone
out to a bar she tries not to blatantly stare at attractive women just
in case she comes across as a sexpest. Line dancer was ignoring her
calls so Stephanie sent her flowers. Why does she persist in dating the
neurotic, flibberty-gibbit?
2nd August
Kelly and I went for lunch. It was okay. There were a couple of silences but as we relaxed with each other it became a lot better. I deliberately stayed away from asking about her private life. Kelly is quite attractive, not my usual type at all, blonde short hair and has an air of androgyny about her. I would be interested to see what her girlfriend looks like.
3rd August
Kelly and I went out for lunch again. I had a pint of Stella for lunch becoming rather merry. Kelly mentioned Dawn. The pleasant effects of my liquid lunch induced me to ask about her girlfriend. Kelly said they play for the same hockey team and that's how they met. They've been together for four years and had a commitment ceremony last October. She asked if I was with anyone and I said no. I asked why she didn't mind if anybody at work knew she was a lesbian and she said why would she care. It would be gossip for five minutes and then everyone would find something else to gas about. She also said people weren't as stupid as they looked and usually guessed. She held my gaze for what seemed like ages before saying that she's never had any hassle for being a lesbian and in this day and age no one gives a hoot about sexuality. I told her I was glad she was out and proud. She sort of sighed, changed the subject to celebrity gossip and we talked about that until it was time to go back.
4th August
Kelly and I had lunch. I like spending time with her but it is digging rather a hole into my finances. Next week, if the weather is nice, I'll suggest we bring sandwiches to work and have a little picnic. She asked about my previous relationships and I made sure not to use the feminine pronoun. I mentioned this to Dr Liebermann and he asked why I couldn't let a woman at work who I've become friends with and is a professed lesbian know I am gay too. He implied that perhaps I am ashamed of being a lesbian which is so untrue. Just because I don't want to air my personal business at work does not mean I am ashamed of who I am. Everyone who counts knows I'm a lesbian. Straight people don't go around announcing their sexuality so why should I have to?
5th August
I saw Sam and I'm more confused than ever. She called me saying she was holding a dinner party for friends next week and wanted to try out a new recipe on me. I was only meant to be seeing Steph that evening so I cancelled on her. I took a bottle of wine over to Sam's and we had a very nice meal; chicken with asparagus in a cream sauce, saute potatoes and roasted vegetables. For dessert we had crème brulee. It was going well, we drank the wine, Sam opened another bottle and we sat down on her sofa. I rested my arm on the sofa behind Sam's head and when she moved or laughed, her hair brushed against my skin making it tingle. I was wearing the bracelet Steph got for my birthday and Sam wanted to look at it. She undid the clasp all the while sort of playing with my fingers, took it off my wrist, put it on her own and then put it back onto my own. I was sure she was flirting with me and with the wine making me feel relaxed I said what was on my mind. I told her I sort of fancied her. Her reaction was not the greatest. Sam looked at me and said that she was straight. Now I could understand if she said she didn't fancy me but I definitely got the impression she was not telling me the truth. I told her I was sorry, got up and left. How could I have got it so wrong? I am excellent when it comes to understanding other people's motives and emotions because I am hypersensitive myself.
6th August
Am still dismayed and in disbelief over Sam. I am sure I was getting some kind of vibe off her. She cannot be heterosexual, she was flirting with me, it wasn't purely due to the wine. I rang Stephanie up to get her opinion and told her exactly what happened. She is in agreement with me but said Sam isn't ready to confront that side of her sexuality yet. I want to talk to Sam about it again, hopefully during one of the brief periods where we're both actually sober. Stephanie said to leave it because you can't force someone to confront an aspect of themselves that they're not ready to confront. I understand that the coming out process can be a long struggle but it's bloody frustrating when you want to have frenzied sex with the comer outee.
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