Misty Shackle's Blog

1st July

I wanted to go outside early but Stephanie was late coming over. I scooped up a big rug for me and Stephanie to sit on, she bought some beers and we went down and sat on the grass. Sam wasn't there. I guess I was nervous but I drank very quickly and as it was only 11am in the morning I got a little bit drunk. We waited for an hour and still she didn't turn up. Stephanie could see I was down and tried cheering me up. She did succeed (she is a good friend) so much so that the combination of humour and supermarket own brand beer meant I had to go to the toilet.

Upon returning who did I see but Sam and she was talking to Stephanie. Small boy was nowhere to be seen. Sam said hi and she remembered my name! I felt a bit shy so didn't say much but Stephanie and Sam talked as if they were old pals. Then Sam said she had to go into town  but we should all go out one evening and to the bar Stephanie had suggested. As soon as she waved goodbye Stephanie and I hurried up to my place verbally dissecting the conversation she had with Sam. She told me she  recognised Sam from my description. Sam had said hello to her and asked if she was new to the building and Stephanie said she was visiting a friend and mentioned my name. Sam told her we'd met a couple of times before, never really talked but I appeared to be a nice person. I made Stephanie repeat this part of the story several times. Stephanie asked Sam if she goes out clubbing which she said yes to but that there weren't any particularly good places around here. Then Stephanie mentioned The Sovereign and how we go there all the time and if she ever wanted to come along to let us know then we could all go together. Sam said that sounded like fun. I hugged Stephanie at this point and then I thought about it. The Sovereign is a gay pub/club. What if Sam doesn't know this and is freaked out by it all? Stephanie rationalised that even if Sam is straight she's sure she would be fine with it, or maybe because she said yes, it shows that Sam is a lesbian. If we go and it freaks her out then Stephanie said she isn't the sort of person I should want to become friends with and at least I'll know either way how the wind blows.

I'd made the quiche but couldn't eat it because of my worrying. Am full of nervous trepidation about what Sam knows about the Sovereign. On the plus side I can now act out lots of fantasies in my head of what it will be like when we all go and, if she is gay, of what a great couple we'd be.

2nd July

Rather dejected today. Why did Sam say yes to going out with us? Did she do it to be polite? If so I bet she doesn't hang around outside anymore for fear of seeing me, not that I would ever force her to go. What if the only reason she said yes is because she fancies Stephanie? Stephanie's okayish looking in a mousy sort of way and she is funny. Being funny comes rather hard for me. Whatever possessed me to think that first, Sam might be gay and second she would fancy someone like me? The idea of us being a couple is pure farce.

I ate a quarter tub of  Ben and Jerry's Dublin Mudslide, a Topic bar and wallowed in a cold bath. It did little to lift my spirits. I watched Sugar Rush and all it did was reinforce how sexually frustrated I am. Why does everybody have it so much easier than me?

3rd July

Not much to report. I seem to be developing fine lines on my forehead. Should I grow a fringe or research the medical implications involved with botox? I rang my mum and asked her advice. She told me to stop frowning so much and then I wouldn't have to worry about wrinkles. Next time I want constructive criticism I'll speak to Dr Liebermann or Stephanie.

4th July

Work was so busy today which meant I only had an hour at the end of the day to catch up with friends' emails. I drove home exhausted and as I was parking my car I saw Sam. Instantly, I felt rejuvenated but nervous. I wanted to see her but not in my work clothes when I'm all dishevelled. She must have finished work too as she was dressed in a power suit. She could wear stonewashed jeans and a baseball cap and still look bewitching. I am under her spell. I was lost in a reverie and failed to notice her approaching my car. She tapped on my window, causing me to let out a high-pitched shriek. It made her jump. I apologised and she said it was okay. There was a silence which seemed to last an eternity. She looked like she was about to say something else but stopped herself when I announced how I should get changed as I was perspiring heavily. Idiot! What an incredibly unsexy thing to say. I groaned inwardly as Sam smiled and said goodbye.

5th July

No sighting of Sam.

6th July

Still no sighting of her. I deliberately lingered in the car park, until the DJ on Radio 1 hacked me off so much that I had to get out of the car to escape his inane banter. To cheer myself up I made a wonderful seafood pasta dish for dinner. I was going to freeze half of it and finish it off later in the week, but felt I'd already experienced enough disappointment in the day so ate it all with a large slice of bread smothered in butter.

7th July

I saw Dr Liebermann today. In a moment of weakness I mentioned Sam and how much I liked her. Dr Liebermann asked me why I liked her so much. I tried to explain her wonderful she is, of course not doing her any justice and he said something which kind of annoyed me. He said that while I might be physically attracted to her I don't really know much about her personality and was thereby projecting character traits onto her which she may or may not possess. I sulked for the rest of the session but Dr Liebermann chose not to notice. He told me his fees would be going up. I mentioned the lines on my forehead and whether I should get botox? Dr Liebermann said it was a waste of time spending money on unnecessary procedures to change myself. He's got a point.

8th July

It's Saturday which meant sunbathing down in the gardens. Sam didn't show up. Is she on holiday? I miss seeing her. It did give me the opportunity to read my entire copy of Diva including the personal ads. The best one was from a woman whose main hobby was falconry and she wanted a girlfriend to take part in it with her. She's got two hopes there and one's called Bob.

9th July

Stephanie called me up and we went for Sunday lunch down The Rose and Crown. I had lamb and it was delicious. When we finished our meals we moved outside. Stephanie said she had something to tell me. For a scary moment I imagined she was going to tell me she'd been seeing Sam and that's why I'd not seen her around the apartments. Then I realised, that was paranoid even for me. Instead she told me she started up again with the line dancer (I refuse to use that woman's real name). I reminded her the reason they split up was because line dancer was cheating on her. Stephanie said they talked about it and it would never happen again, that line dancer knew she'd made a mistake. I told Stephanie she deserved better than that and if someone cheated on me there would be no way I'd go back to them, no matter how much I liked them. It made me sad listening to Stephanie justifying her decision. She should be with someone who would treat her with the respect she deserves. She said she knew it looked like she was being weak but didn't think she could do any better, which made me even sadder. I told her that at the end of the day if it made her happy then I was happy for her. I know she's not happy, she's just settling for the first person who comes along, no matter how incompatible they are.

10th July

I still haven't seen Sam. She can't have moved. If she was moving she'd have mentioned it. I was tempted to go into her apartment building and see if I could find out which floor she lived on. The I worried if I did see her, how would I explain what I was doing in there. Is this how stalking starts; a harmless crush turns into a Fatal Attraction bunny boiler scenario? I need to stop watching Michael Douglas movies late at night. His acting always makes me nervy.

11th July

Stephanie called and we arranged to go to The Sovereign. She's bringing the line dancer along. Stephanie wants us all to be friends. I will try but it's so not going to happen. I came home from work and Sam was in the car park. As she walked over I fished out a stick of gum and popped it in my mouth to be minty fresh. She is so nice. She said hi and mentioned how she hadn't seen me for a while. I lied saying I'd been out a lot. RE teachers have busier social lives than I do. She asked about Stephanie which made for a nice segue into me saying I was seeing her tonight at The Sovereign and did Sam want to come along? She said no, she was meeting up with a friend but if we were going out next week to let her know and she'd make sure she was free. We said goodbye and as soon as I got indoor I did a Mexican hat dance around the lounge. I get to go on a date! Okay, it's a date which three people are going on and one of them is unaware it's a date, but still, yay for me!

12th July

I feel rough but managed to crawl into work. No one appreciated my sacrifice. I kept telling the office how poorly I was but none of them delved too deeply into my physical ailments which included nausea and an inability to stop the room from intermittently spinning. My memory of the previous evening is sketchy at best. I know I drank Sambuca which I'd normally never touch, Stephanie agreed to go on a threesome with me and Sam and even when I'm trolleyed I can't stand line dancer.

13th July

Is it possible to be hungover two days in a row? I remain dehydrated regardless of how much water I neck and vow never to drink alcohol again.

14th July

Mike asked if I was going to Christian's leaving do. I don't know Christian that well. He is okay but rather officious. Christian is a strict enforcer of the office HR manual (he is the fire marshal and gets to wear a red baseball cap if he ever needs to evacuate the building. It hasn't happened which must be disappointing for him). I told Mike I couldn't go, I have Dr Liebermann on Fridays. He pleaded with me and said partners were invited. He knows I'm single so I don't know why he bothered saying that. I had to be firm with Mike and say no again. It was distressing to watch him plead with me. He eventually got the message and gave up. Feeling a bit bad I made sure that when I did the coffee round to slip a malted milk biscuit on his desk showing there were no hard feelings. Will he read this as a come on?

15th July

In retrospect I should have gone to Christian's leaving do. Mike sent me a text saying it had been a mad evening. Christian got drunk, tea-bagged his fire marshal cap and was thrown out of the pub. Mike and some some of the other lads had to carry him home. The taxi they ordered refused to take Chris because he was so drunk he couldn't stand. I didn't know Christian drank, let alone strip off if he has too many Babychams.

My session with Dr Liebermann was disappointing. He kept wanting to talk about Sam and thinks I am obsessed. He's the one who keeps bringing her up! I don't like him cogitating about her. I am not obsessed, it is a harmless crush.

16th July

At the apex of your beauty 

Samantha, Sammy, Sam,

It shalt never be

wham bam thank you mam

Verily I would show you

The ways of poetic love

I will be the kestrel

If thou will be my dove.

17th July

Would a kestrel attack a dove? I'll google it and if so I'll have to change the last line. Damn and it flowed so well.

18th July

Work was boring but had a lovely surprise when I got home. Sam had popped a note through my letterbox. She said she hoped I was all right and to let her know when I was going out with Stephanie. She'd put her apartment number and her mobile number on the note. I did want to call her for a chat but couldn't think of anything interesting to say. I tried ringing Stephanie to arrange a night but she didn't answer her phone. Stephanie always answers her phone. Impatience over her not picking up turned into worry. Oh, just remembered I've got the dentist tomorrow.

19th July

Finally heard from Stephanie. She's worried about line dancer. Line dancer was over at Steph's last night. Her mobile rang and she went into the hallway to take the call. Stephanie said she couldn't hear what was being said so when she came back into the room Stephanie asked who phoned. Line dancer became defensive and asked Steph if she was accusing her of something. Steph said she was asking a simple question and making conversation. Line dancer pitched a hissy fit and left. Ten minutes later Stephanie got a phone call from line dancer. She mistakenly believed Stephanie would run after her. She had waited on the steps outside Steph's apartment. I interjected at this point telling Steph she should have left her there to stew in her considerable juices. Instead, Steph went to bring her back and apologised for I don't know what. I asked her why she did that and she said line dancer was agitated and it was the only way to calm her down. I asked if she ever found out who called and Stephanie said it wasn't worth it. I hate the way Stephanie is controlled by line dancer's capriciousness.

As we had talked about Stephanie and her problems more than enough I changed the subject and said about Sam and going to The Sovereign. She said we should do it on the Saturday but she will have to invite line dancer or else there could be trouble. Why does she have to go? I said fine but the way I said fine indicated to Stephanie that I wasn't particularly happy with the arrangement.

 Blog: Page 4