Misty Shackle's Blog

May 9th

Today Rachel, who I've come to realise has an air of the bovine about her, asked me why I didn't like her. We had to sit opposite each other for an hour as I had to check a computer for missing files and that's when she asked me. I coped admirably and said I did like her because she made me tea. What can you say to a person when they ask that? They want to be lied to. It actually made me dislike her more. Then I got worried that everybody in the office knew I didn't like Rachel and I would be had up for bullying. I am not horrible to her, just ignore what she says if she's addressing everyone in the whole office. If I passed her on the stairs I would say hello. I bet Doreen put her up to this.

May 10th

I've been pondering what Rachel said to me. I actually don't think there's ever be a time where I've liked every single person I've worked with. I've come to realise how draining it is hating all the time. Why can't these people try harder to get on with me? I don't know why it's so difficult for them as this problem hardly ever exists in my personal life. There has to a be a point, like attaining enlightenment, which I will reach where no one disenchants me.

May 11th

I found out what the term 'blossom' means. Gross. I am so glad I am a regular lesbian and not a deviant.

May 12th

I have a second interview with Bob and Ford! Ford rang me up and pencilled me in to go see them next Thursday. They want me to do a five minute presentation about my favourite television programme so now I have to think up a series I've vaguely watched which is non-geeky and devoid of sex. That cancels out the favourites of The L Word, Bad Girls and Buffy then. Kajol came over and stayed for a short period as her weekend is tied up with moving into the apartment. She suggested a clever crime programme so I am going to illegally download a season of CSI which I have never watched and bluff my way through the presentation.

May 13th

I was halfway through episode two season one of CSI Miami when the doorbell went. Two Jehovah Witnesses were there. My apartment block must be a Jehovah Witness hotspot because they're always trying to convert me. Like the last time, it was two women and they were very attractive. I don't know if the high commissioner of Jehovah's Witnesses has been sending his followers off on beauty treatment courses and I'm not saying you should change religion because you fancy someone of a particular church but I did take a copy of The Watchtower and promised to read it. I am not in the habit of checking out other women, especially religious ones so felt a bit bad and called Kajol. Her phone was switched off. I tried to get back to watching CSI and creating my presentation but couldn't concentrate properly and ended up looking at porn on the net, then deleting my history so Kajol wouldn't know. Felt guilty so read a bit of The Watchtower to try and feel morally righteous again. It was tough but I managed it.

May 14th

Ode To Spiritual Love

It can be argued that it's easier to find the path and be led as a witness to Jehovah

If one of the Creator's flock looks like Anna Kournikova

Does religious ecstasy create beauty in the believers

Thereby turning heretics into redemptive redeemers?

Or is lust the antipode of spirituality

Turning our souls into carriers of carnality?

If there is a God and believed attractiveness to be a sin.                                                                                       Why did he/she/it make women beautiful on the outside and within?

Kajol's phone is still switched off.

May 15th

Kajol texted me in the morning inviting me over to her new place for a meal. Work was dull and long and when it came to 5.30pm I drove home her to find her waiting for me. I drove us both to her new place. She grabbed my hand and pulled me up the stairs to her place (it is on the third floor). She opened the door and we walked in. Her family has done a great job. There were paintings and photos of her family and friends on the walls and the walls were painted a lilac colour. There was a huge L-shaped sofa and a massive tv and small stereo system. Kajol wanted to christen the sofa so after only being in there for two minutes we had quick, intense sex on it.  Then she showed me the kitchen which was kitted out with all mod cons. As I leaned against the cupboards she put her hand between my legs and made me come. We then went into the bedroom and did a sixty nine. The final room the bathroom where we stayed and had a bath, then I turned on the shower and we used the head to have sex again. Both of us were exhausted, so we ordered Thai and then went to bed.

May 16th

Waking up in unfamiliar surroundings I went to work in the clothes I'd worn the night before and hoped nobody would notice. Gave myself a liberal spray of Kajol's LAMB perfume because I was paranoid someone at work would smell sex on me. There was no time to go home and get ready. It's taking me too long to watch a season of CSI Miami and I don't think I'll be able to do it in time for my interview so I decided to go on a fan website and read through the remaining episodes. I made copious notes and took a few folders out of the stationery cupboard to put my presentation in. It turned out to be the most productive day I've had in the office and I was surprised at how much I can actually get done when I have a goal to work towards to.

May 17th

Managed to complete my presentation and took Kelly out for lunch so she could listen to my speech. She mentioned an error I'd made about a character's arc which I felt was pedantic but made the necessary amendments to. If I'd known she was a CSI aficionado, I'd have gotten her to edit my presentation in the first place. Kelly asked if I was nervous which I am. She suggested visualising Bob and Ford in baby clothes if I get the collywobbles. I find this image both distasteful and demeaning to my potential future employers so am going to ignore her tasteless advice. Kajol rang to see if I wanted to stay over but I need to be fresh as a daisy for my interview so prolonged sex is a definite no no. She said we didn't have to have sex, we could just spoon but alas I know this would lead to temptations of the flesh. Like Muhammad Ali the night before a fight I have to refuse carnal knowledge of my woman.

May 18th

It went all right. I was nervous to begin with and slurred my words a bit so it sounded as if I had a speech impediment or I was partial to a G&T at 8.45 in the morning. Luckily neither one of them seemed to have any knowledge of the programme and halfway through my presentation Ford yawned which I took as a good sign that he was too tired to focus on what I was saying and whether it made any sense. I have a very good feeling that I'm going to get this job! Had sex with Kajol to celebrate.

May 19th

I will not be using taxis again. I'd arranged to stay over at Kajol's but as she was working late we agreed to meet at a restaurant near her work. She had got a lift in from her dad so I said I'd book us a taxi to get home. I didn't want to drive as I fancied drinking after the major feats I'd achieved throughout the week. Booked the taxi and thought nothing of it. At 7.45pm an elderly gentleman with crooked glasses picked me up in his cab. He gave a big sigh, called me, 'darling' and asked if I minded if he smoked his roll-up which was smouldering on the dashboard. I said no fearful that if he left it there it would burn through the plastic and we'd choke to death on the toxic fumes or it would, at the very least, damage our lung capacity. He had a hacking cough which became worse each time he inhaled. The man was a walking advertisement for cancer. I finally reached my destination and went into the restaurant where Kajol was waiting for me. We held hands under the table and ordered our food. I had asparagus in prosciutto with beurre blanc for my starter, then duck with a honey and soy sauce and noodles. My dessert was a chocolate marquise pot with cherries and it was delicious. Kajol had salt and pepper squid, a Goan curry and a mango sorbet to finish. Naively I'd booked a taxi from the company I'd used earlier and we had the same man. When we walked out to the taxi an overly emotional blonde woman was in the front seat. The cabbie asked if we minded if we took her home first and it seemed like a rhetorical question to me because it was going to happen whether we minded or not. For the duration of our trip with overly emotional blonde woman she talked her way through a litany of tragedy which ranged from her dull job (hello, most people feel that way about their career!), taking caring of her children (did she not realise when she gave birth that part of the deal of being a mother is that you have to show at least a passing interest in your offsprings' welfare) and her on again off again boyfriend. We were being driven to the golf club where he would be and she was desperate to find him slow dancing in the arms of another woman. This didn't make much sense to me. If boyfriend knew she was coming why would he be dancing with anyone? However, drunk blonde women are not known for being rational so I let her continue talking. She kept repeating herself and at one point was so overcome with emotion that she turned to face us and grabbed Kajol's hand asking if she believed boyfriend would be at the golf club in the arms of her competition. Kajol smiled reassuringly and said this was impossible because he sounded like such a nice boyfriend. Finally, we got rid of her then the taxi driver had a go at us for agreeing to take her. Seriously, he was the one who her in his taxi. It's not down to us to agree or disagree, we just wanted to get home without any drama. He must have felt a bit bad because then he gave us a discount on our fare. I was so relieved to get out of his emphysema riddled cab and into Kajol's apartment.

May 20th

After the mental trauma of last night I decided to drive when Stephanie called to see if Kajol and I wanted to go out. We went to The Pelican because it's quiet and by the river. It had remained by the river but was not so quiet. A canal boat was moored next to the pub garden and a group of drunk chavs piled out of it and into the pub. They were loud, particularly a squat woman wearing much gold jewellery who was screaming at someone on the other end of her mobile phone. Why is it that women of a certain age become screaming, incoherent banshees when they've had a few shandies? I made my disapproving look and tutted loudly enough so she would not be able to hear me but so the people near to where I was sat could. The chavs drank more and more and I could not figure out how they would be able to afford a canal boat for the weekend. Having looked into Kajol and I hiring one, I can safely say they are a highly expensive mode of transport. The drunk woman with the mobile became more agitated and I tried to point this out to Stephanie, Kajol and even Jenny but none of them seemed to notice as they had engaged in a round of the 'Cointreau challenge'. Sadly I realised other people are no fun if they're drunk and I'm sober. I'm not saying alcohol is necessary in all social events but it does make boring conversations more acceptable.

May 21st

Kajol was a bit worse for the wear in the morning so I tried to be a good girlfriend and stay with her in bed but I became agitated about some dishes she had left to soak in the sink so got up to clean and put them away. Finally, she got up at about noon and by this point I was sexed up so we went back to bed. Then we went food shopping because when I checked her fridge, all she had in there was beer, milk and chocolate. I have no idea what she lives on when she's not eating with me, probably takeaway pizza and beans on toast. I made a large batch of pasta sauce for her to freeze, then we had sex again and ordered takeaway Thai. I didn't stay over because I had work in the morning but I kind of wanted to. It feels strange when Kajol isn't around.

May 22nd

Am still hating my job. Mondays are awful. At lunchtime I was so bored I bought a women's magazine and read it in the park. In it was an interview with a disturbingly blonde TV presenter whom I did not recognise. She could have been anywhere between the ages of 19 and 42 but because she had so much botox drilled into her face she'd lost all expression. I imagine if you are a disturbingly blonde celebrity, many people would rather fancy sleeping with you. How do you perform oral sex if you can barely open your mouth because of all the botulism floating about under your skin?

May 23rd

I have come to the conclusion I do not like being told what to do. I am sure there are people out there with an IQ of under 100 who need constant instruction and welcome this but I do not need to be told by Doreen how to make a cup of tea. If I want to put the milk in with the tea bag before the water has boiled that is my choice and the people in my office should just be bloody grateful that I made them a cuppa in the first place.

May 24th

Shock horror!  Dr Liebermann's charity record is in jeopardy. Funds raised have mysteriously disappeared along with his wife who hasn't been seen in ages. I was called by a policewoman who wanted to know if I'd plunged my funds into the record and I told her no just my support and potentially my voice.

Fraudulent Haiku

Like a glue gun's stream

the lies we tell and do, stick

How much cash was nicked?

May 25th

I got the job! I am so happy. No more crushing routine or annoying people telling me what to do. I fully believe Bob and Ford are going to be great bosses similar to Ben and Jerry but without the worrying heart attacks and less punny. Kajol was very pleased for me. We went out to celebrate and as we talked I thought about my future and what it would entail. Dr Liebermann has gone. He was the person to encourage me to write a blog/diary and now I feel that I might take some time out and see if I can do without it. It might be hard, like giving up Red Bull, but I am going to try.

The end.