Misty Shackle's Blog

April 7th

I did not sleep at all. The tent was too small which meant my feet kept hitting the edge. The ground was lumpy and the flimsy fabric of the tent flapped at an alarming rate which made me think we were going to be hit by a hurricane. At some God forsaken hour I extricated myself out of the sleeping bag and blankets covering me and went outside. What had felt like a hurricane inside the tent was barely a breeze. I had enough so I grabbed a couple of the blankets, woke Kajol up and told her I was going to sleep in the car. I got in and made myself a bed. Kajol was tapping on the door a couple of minutes later and got in with me. She'd brought the sleeping bag, so we lay in it. I told her I didn't expect her to come sleep with me but she said camping was no fun if I wasn't in the tent with her, plus she'd heard some unidentifiable noises so thought it would be safer locked in the car with me.

Dawn breaking woke me up and I was busting for a wee so I grabbed a pair of trainers left in the car and trudged over to the bathroom. I passed Jan/e's tent and was disgusted to hear loud, obnoxious sex noises being emitted from within. I bet this is the noise which frightened Kajol so much in the night. How can a person have sex with someone who looks like their pincushion twin? Creepy. I returned frozen and coughed loudly as I passed Jan/e's tent but this did not quash their frenzied love-making as Jan/e was now hollering from the top of her lungs. Kajol had kept the sleeping bag warm for me and we snuggled until both of us fell asleep.

Jolly woman woke us up wearing yet another unicorn-centric top. How many of those damn jumpers does Price Drop TV sell? She banged on the window of the car and asked why we weren't in our tents. Frankly, it is none of her business where we sleep but I couldn't be bothered to argue with her so lied and said there was a puddle in our tent. She told us to hurry because breakfast was being served and then there would be truth building exercises at 11am. When did our camping trip turn from a holiday into being held in a Nazi compound? Kajol and I got out of the car, stretched our legs and went to see Stephanie and Jenny. They too had heard the things that go hump in the night so I told them it was Jan/e disturbing the local peace. Jan/e were nowhere to be seen. Possibly one of them is now in hospital with a hospital with a fractured pelvis. We went for breakfast, which was a proper fry up, fried egg, fried bread, bacon, sausages, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, black pudding (which I was surprised to see but nonetheless pleased by), hash browns and toast. I had everything, twice. Learning from our mistake of last night we were quick to leave the barn before anybody could get on stage and talk about suicidal tendencies in iambic pentameter or make wise cracks about their period.

Megan and Susan were standing outside their tent sharing a fag so we said hello and they asked us what our plans were for the day. We vehemently stated that we were not going to try out the truth building exercises and Megan said that was good because cocktail hour began at 11am and we were welcome to join them. For a split second I pondered whether 11am was too early to start drinking and then thought fuck it, we are on holiday. Everyone else agreed, so we settled in for a few games of cards. Cocktail hour began with sex on the beach, which when you look at it is actually a healthy drink; at least two portions of fruit in every mug. Jenny had brought a board game called Go Goddess which she saw when on holiday in America. We played Go Goddess Go Goddess and it was so funny there were times I was crying from laughing too much. I definitely want to keep in touch with Megan and Susan after this weekend is over.

Megan and Susan had a portable BBQ so we cooked the sausages and chicken and had lunch. I began to feel sleepy so Kajol joined me for an afternoon nap in the car. Then we woke up and went for a walk. We held hands and chatted as we walked through a wood full of bluebells and I felt complete happiness and love. I want to be a better person, the person she thinks I am, when I am with Kajol. We made love in the woods and it was so intense and magical that we both started crying afterwards. That's never happened to me before. I didn't want to leave this place but when it grew dark we reluctantly went back to join the others. A bonfire had been organised for the evening so we went to that and then back to the tents to drink. Susan had the idea of telling ghost stories and although it started off as a bit of a laugh it actually became dead spooky. We went to bed at about 1am and at Kajol's request I made sure all the doors were locked in the car. Then the scary noises started but I told Kajol there was nothing to be fearful of, it was just Jan/e having sex again. I've heard Jan/e have sex more than I've actually seen them.

April 8th

The plan had been to leave after breakfast but I bumped into the jolly woman in the shower block. She was covered in a beach towel with wolves on it so a nice change of pace from the unicorns. As she was changing in front of me (having no qualms about public displays of nudity) she told me about an egg hunt planned for after breakfast. As I tried to avert my gaze from her open legged towel down I asked if it was free to do the hunt. She said yes and it was a lot of fun. I skedaddled out of the shower block and went to tell the others. All of us were enthusiastic about the prospect of free chocolate so decided to sign up for it.

We had breakfast and followed the signs to the start of the egg hunt. It was not called an Easter egg hunt for fear of discriminating against non-Christians. Instead, some bright spark had named it, the "Herstorical pagan egg forage". So I guess as well as not offending Christians the word 'hunt' was too violent for those of a weak disposition and had to be replaced by forage. I bet there was a committee who spent weeks coming up with that title.

It was only once we'd begun the hunt (I refuse to call it a forage) that I realised how crap it was. We found out that instead of using chocolate eggs, we were looking for real eggs. When I asked one of the organisers why this was the case, she said, the wrappings that covered chocolate eggs were harmful for the environment and if all the eggs were not found it would be an ecological disaster. Using real eggs meant that if all of them were not found, either foxes would eat them or they would harmlessly biodegrade into the earth. Didn't somebody have the brains to remember where all the eggs were placed? It got worse. As we were looking we kept hearing these high-pitched clicking noises. Stephanie discovered that the clicking noise was being emitted from plastic eggs. Having had no luck with the first organiser I found the jolly woman and asked why there were plastic eggs making a noise. She said it was for any blind children who were on the campsite so that they could join in the fun of the forage and find eggs by listening out for the clicks. This is ridiculous. First off, I could not recall seeing any blind children. Secondly, why weren't chocolate eggs put next to the clicking eggs? This would ensure all the chocolate eggs and their dangerous wrappings would be found thereby preventing an environmental catastrophe. Thirdly, what if the batteries ran out in the clicking eggs so they stopped making a noise and were never found? Wouldn't they be worse for the environment than a bit of brightly coloured foil stuck in a hedgerow?

Disheartened by the lack of chocolate we decided to abandon the stupid egg hunt. I sort of helped taking the tents down. We said goodbye to Megan and Susan and went back home. I wanted Kajol to stay at mine for a bit but she said she had to go back to her parents. I will be glad when she has her own place.

April 9th

I've heard back from one of the companies I applied to. They want me for a job interview on Thursday. I am going to say I have a dental appointment so I don't have to use up any of my holiday time. It sounds quite interesting. The company is something to do with leisure wear and sports equipment. I Googled the company and made notes. I am sure I will be nervous but I need to get out of this office, especially after Doreen's verbal warning. I texted Kajol about the job and she offered to come over on Wednesday so we could practise my interview technique. She is seeing an apartment on Friday and she wants me to come with her to have a look at it. It's not too far from where I live so I'm hoping it will be something we both like.

April 10th

A new guy started in accounts today. For once he was introduced to our office. This usually never happens. A person might have worked in the company for two years and I could pass them on the stairs everyday and still not know their name because they haven't been properly introduced to me. The new guy is called Spencer and has a paralysed arm. He was very happy to talk about his arm. He said he had a motorbike accident when he was a teenager but it hasn't prevented him from having a good quality of life. He has lots of friends, had several girlfriends and now that the Wii is out, can play video games with his one good arm. The arm stayed floppy throughout our conversation, only moving when Spencer jerked his body. I guess I must have been staring at it because Spencer said I could touch it. I declined.

April 11th

Spencer asked me out for lunch. I said yes and took him to The Swan. I had scampi and chips and he had soup, proving quite masterful at buttering a crusty roll with one hand. I tried not to stare at his arm so overcompensated with my field of vision and looked at his left ear for most of lunch. Spencer is all right but a little bit too intense and I'm not just saying that because he has a disability. He talked about his previous girlfriend and how she dumped him in a brutal way. It didn't exactly keep the conversation light and sparkling. By the end of the hour I was glad to get back to work. I'd only been at my desk for five minutes when I received an email from Spencer saying what a brilliant lunch he had and how we should do it again. Next time I will invite Kelly along so I don't have to deal with his mild depression on my own.

Kajol came over and we talked about the apartment viewing. Then she changed the subject to my interview tomorrow. I didn't want to dwell on it because the way I see it, if I'm meant to get the job I will and no amount of practicing interviews will change this. Kajol disagreed with this view but I managed to distract her with hot sex so we didn't have to discuss it any further.

April 12th

I didn't sleep well because I was so nervous about the interview. I skipped breakfast, took some Rescue Remedy and set off. The rain was chucking it down and it didn't help that I couldn't find my way into the building. Every door I tried was locked so when I did find the correct entrance I was soaked through. At reception I dripped all over the signing in book then gave the name of the person I was meant to be seeing. The receptionist had never heard of the woman. She called a few colleagues and 10 minutes later received a phone call from the woman I was meant to be seeing who had a completely different name to the one I'd been given. I could tell straight away it was not going to be a good interview. She asked what I knew about the company so I told her what I could remember from the brief scan I'd had of the company website. Then she asked what other things did I know and as I'd already told her everything I knew I basically repeated what I'd said 20 seconds earlier. The rest of the interview went just as well. Every time I gave her an answer she'd say something like, "Well going back to the question I asked you". One of her more nonsensical queries was, "How would your friends describe your drive?" Well, actually they are not going to describe my drive because of an evening we do not bore each other senseless talking about each others' drives. Maybe sex drive but that's it. When I mentioned this question to Stephanie later, she said I should have replied that it was tarmaced. Mercifully the interview ended and as I stood up I noticed that I'd left a huge damp patch on the seat which I'm sure the next interviewee would be happy about. I know I am not going to be offered this job. I rang Kajol and she said that it was good practice for my next interview. I guess if you have an over optimistic nature you can look at it in that way. We met after work and she drove us to the apartment.

April 13th

I made up a really good story about my trip to the dentist so was disappointed that nobody at work asked how my appointment went. Spencer emailed me about lunch so I told him I was going with Kelly for a girlie chat and then asked her if she was free. She was so we went down the pub. I had a pint and a half so was rather tipsy when we staggered back. It would have been a waste of time doing any work so I answered all my personal emails, drank many Styrofoam cups of water to sober up and called Kajol about the viewing that evening. We met after work and Kajol liked the place straight away. For a new apartment it was a good size with a great view. I liked it too and hope she gets it. She is going to go back with her dad to see what he thinks and if he is happy, she is going to put an offer in. I decided to make it a special evening, so while she was having a bath I popped out and bought a bottle of Champagne and the dark chocolate truffles she likes. I lit the aromatherapy candles I had in the lounge and when she came out of the bathroom I poured her a glass of Champagne and said it was a celebration because even though she hadn't bought the apartment yet and I'd had a crappy interview we were going to have a great future because we were together. She said that was true and that she was very happy with me. I know how lucky I've been to find Kajol. I wonder if this is how everyone feels when they are in love?

April 14th

I received a shock letter from Dr/Mr Liebermann's wife. He's in prison! I'd actually forgotten all about him but then again I have had a lot on. She wants his ex patients to sign a petition and march up to Downing Street with it. I am not sure how wise this is. There has been a miscarriage of justice but he's not exactly a political prisoner like Nelson Mandela. She's written a song about her husband called, 'One Dove'. A chap who was in A Flock of Seagulls is a neighbour of her's and he's promised to record the track. All proceeds from the single will go towards hiring a new legal team to get Dr/Mr Liebermann out of jail. If his wife wants me to appear in the music video I have decided to say yes.

April 15th

Solitary Confinement

Dr Liebermann is in a prison of concrete and steel.

I live in a prison of words

His Crime?

Healing the mentally sick and confused

My crime?

Passions that must be written about

We are not so different.

Both of us are in solitary confinement.

I am going to send this to Dr/Mr Liebermann's wife just in case they need a new verse for One Dove. If she does want it I shall negotiate the smallest fee because after all this is still a charity record.

April 16th

I must stop swearing at work.

April 17th

Doreen really has nothing going on in her life. At lunchtime someone heated up a curry in the microwave on the ground floor. Doreen clomped into our office demanding to know who had been eating curry. When no one answered she said she was going to make an official complaint about people's food habits, then she clomped out again  to find an authority figure who would outlaw the ingestion of spicy foods on work premises. I went out for lunch, checked my phone - I have another interview on Friday! - and came back to a document Doreen had produced and conveniently left on my desk and everyone else's. The first paragraph slagged off anyone racy enough to eat something other than ham and mild cheese sandwiches while at work. Danger foods were egg mayonnaise, anything fishy and foodstuffs which contained garlic and/or spices. If a person did use the microwave to heat up something less bland than a piece of cardboard they had to shut the door of the room the microwave is in and then spray with air freshener. I checked and Doreen had used petty cash money to buy one of the old lady sprays which smells like lavender and impending death. The microwave isn't even in on our floor so I don't know what all the fuss is about and even though she has got better recently, I would rather have the smell of lamb bhuna wafting through the office then Eau De Damp De Canine.

April 18th

Mike rang and told me he's handling an account for a chain of lap dancing clubs. He has to go to one of them and is allowed to invite 10 friends so wanted Kelly and me to tag along to rate the club from a female perspective. The idea is tempting but I am not sure. I will ask Kajol what she thinks. Kelly has been to one before and said I'd love it, but then Kelly's been to a bondage club was tied up in the dungeon and enjoyed being spanked with an egg whisk so our interpretations of loving something are on quite different levels.

The interview on Friday is for a garden centre and I've decided to research this company thoroughly. I tried to get onto the centre's website but it kept directing me to another site for garden tools. If I am asked in the interview what I know about the company I will say I had troubles with navigating their website and leave it at that. Kajol is taking her dad to the apartment on Thursday so I am hoping he approves and then she can move in and I'll get to see her as often as I want.

April 19th

Kajol's dad likes the apartment so she's going to take it! She wasn't able to come over and tell me, rather it was a whispered phone call as she was at her parents. I am so happy for her and me. She will be moving into her new abode in just under a month's time. I offered to help on the actual moving day but Kajol said her family will want to do that. Apparently, her parents would suspect something if one of her female friends was to help with the lifting. If you are a woman and can carry something heavier then a salad bowl, does this automatically classify you as a lesbian now?

I told Kajol about the lap dancing and she said she was fine with me going as she trusts me. That's a hell of a lot of pressure to be under. I can scarcely trust myself so I don't know how anybody else can.

April 20th

Spencer asked me out to lunch again. Unfortunately, I'd already asked Kelly if she wanted to go for a drink and she said no, so I couldn't use her as an excuse for a girly lunch break. I agreed, thinking it would be boring but actually ended up having a good time. Spencer loves drawing and said when he was at university he had some of his pieces submitted to an exhibition where they were sold. In his spare time he and a friend have started up a comic book which he does the drawing for and his mate thinks up the story-lines. He said he'd bring in a couple of copies for me to have a look at. I am not a comic book fan but the way he spoke so passionately about it reminded me of me when I am working on a particularly satisfying poem. I don't have any creative friends (Jenny's bespoke card business does not count) so it would be good to inveigle myself into the art scene. That way, a talent agent may spot my innate talent and want to hire me for events or even publish my work.  

I had to be at the garden centre for 5pm so I was able to work through my lunch break and get out of the office an hour early. I managed to be there 10 minutes before I needed to so tested myself on the questions I thought it likely that I would be asked. A guy who introduced himself as Roy ushered me into his office. He started by saying that he was an overachiever and then proceeded to bore me senseless with how he could try his hand at anything and make it a success. He worked in the city, was head-hunted and went to work for his company's rivals then left because it wasn't enough of a challenge. Then Roy started his own restaurant and left that when it made a substantial profit. Once the gardening business is up and running he is going to chuck that in and he and his wife are going to own a hotel. While he was talking at me, the phone kept ringing but he didn't pick it up. It was making me edgy so I offered to answer the phone and he told me not to bother as they'd already made enough money for this month so he didn't need to take on any more jobs.  Halfway through the interview another guy turned up. Roy introduced him as Will and said he'd taught him everything he knew. Will responded to this fact by staring at me blankly. Coincidentally, the phone stopped ringing when Will turned up for the interview. He remained silent throughout the rest of our time together while Roy blathered on about money. Half an hour later, Roy shocked me by asking if I had any questions. I mentioned the company website and how I had struggled to find it. Grinning broadly, Roy told me that they didn't have one and just had a few details put up on one of their supplier's sites. I asked if they were going to get a site and he said no. Then I asked why not and he got a bit shirty. He asked me how did people cope before the internet and I couldn't come give him an answer. He explained that humans used a thing called a phone directory to get in contact with other humans. I said that was fine, but if they had a website they would get more people contacting them. Roy said they already had too many people contacting them and he couldn't take on any more jobs. I asked if he would consider employing more staff to deal with the increase in jobs. He gave a sarcastic laugh and said he didn't want the company to grow in that way which is stupid because who doesn't want their business to grow in any way as long as it grows? I guess it just shows why he's Business Man of the Millennium and I work in an office where getting a  3% increase in salary each year is considered an exciting prospect. The interview ended with him asking to look at my CV. Although, I'd already emailed it to him, Roy said that every time he looked at a CV he found a typo, so wanted to find out where mine was. I said good luck and left him to it. Even if he offered me the job, there is no fricking way I'd work for him or Will the mute.

I'm starting to wonder if I am a paranoiac. I've looked up the symptoms and I suffer from each one, well except for being suspicious of medical professionals. The more I read about paranoia the more it seems to be a rational state to stay in. If I remain paranoid I am less likely to be flashed, have my mobile stolen or be stoned by savage children as I will be too wary to allow myself to go anywhere where these incidents could conceivably happen ie a car park with bad lighting, graveyards or youth detention centres.  Paranoia really is another word for common sense. The only downside I can see to  paranoia is worrying about how I am viewed and how often people are talking/thinking about me in a negative way. Perhaps, everyone in the office is laughing about the massive spot on my nose which refuses to downsize. I wonder if Kajol looks at me and is grossed out by the spot and that's why we haven't had a proper snog since the weekend. I wonder if she checks out other women when we're out and about. Not that I believe she would ever cheat on me, but there are always going to be prettier, wittier lesbians with perfect skin so why does she stay with me?  Kelly did not speak to me today so I wonder if that's another person I've disgusted with my facial deformity or perhaps I've done something else to piss her off. Although, paranoia has many advantages I sometimes wish I were more like Simon Cowell (minus the chest hair) and didn't care what people thought about me.

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