Misty Shackle's Blog

12th June

Work was boring. I tried catching up with all my admin but some of the men in the office were acting in a raucous manner which distracted me. They were talking about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's baby. I was in no way involved in the conversation yet Mike couldn't stop himself from bringing me into the discussion. He asked me what I thought about Angelina. I was non-committal in my answer, even though she's the fittest woman to walk the planet. He didn't mention Brad. I suppose he didn't want to find out if I was attracted to him. I wonder if Mike acted the jealous type with previous girlfriends? I haven't seen the Frisbee girl. I must find out which apartment building she lives in.

13th June

I was walking back to the office from my lunch break and was hit on the crown of my head by a shit of a teenager. He was stood on the back of his hooligan mate's bicycle and before I had time to react they had pedalled off. What is wrong with these kids? I reported it to the police station but could not give a physical description of my attackers. I suggested the police sift through all CCTV footage of the town and the surrounding area but was told they did not have the resources to conduct such a thorough investigation. I bet if an old person had been hit and then died from a brain haemorrhage it would be a different story.

14th June

Mike called me a feminist because I said a woman could do any job as well as a man. I suppose I am a feminist. If a woman doesn't want to shave her legs she should not be pressured into conforming by media types or family members. However, this rule does not apply to underarm hair. A bald pit is infinitely better than a bushy one.

15th June

Stupid manual handling training. I had to watch a safety video filmed in the 80s and complete a worksheet. All I learnt was that a detergent company from the decade of crimped hair and My Little Pony had better canteen facilities than this office.

16th June

Today's counselling reaffirmed my belief that everyone should be in therapy. I told Dr Liebermann about a recurring dream I have where wolves are chasing me. Dr Liebermann said the wolves represent men whose lusty passions I am running away from. Dr Finkle, a respected colleague of his from Iowa, has done much research into this subject and ascertained lesbians (and nuns) have more wolf dreams than straight women. I asked Dr Liebermann if I could get Dr Finkle's email address but he said no.

17th June

Stephanie invited me over for dinner. She's not as good at cooking as I am but bless her for trying. She made fish pie and it wasn't bad although I would have put chopped boiled eggs in the pie. We talked about going on holiday together. It sounded like a good idea after the second bottle of wine but now I am not so sure. Stephanie is not selective in her her friendships. I would want to spend quality time with her (unless I met a girl I fancied) but Stephanie would chat to any waif or stray and then we'd be lumbered for the duration of our holiday.

18th June

A very productive day at home. I made a huge pot of Irish stew and have frozen it to eat in the winter months. I spoke to my mum and mentioned the Irish stew. She asked if I had used a bouquet garni. I said no. She then made a comment about how it would be much tastier if I had. God, it's my food. If I wanted a fricking bouquet garni in there I would have put one in. Nothing is ever good enough for her.

19th June

It must be fascist dictator week at work. The desks are being rearranged for the new computers and Lucy has decided that she must sit next to a window as she gets so hot. She must also be in the corner of the office as she has so much confidential information on her computer. She's the office manager. Ordering fifty Pritt Sticks for the stationery cupboard and downloading bare chest shots of George Clooney can hardly be classed as confidential. I  wouldn't mind but for her to sit next to the window means disrupting everybody else. She is so selfish. When she went for lunch the rest of us talked about what we were going to do. If she tries forcing her will on the rest of us Mike will confront her and stop this madness.

20th June

Mike tried talking to Lucy and got absolutely nowhere. She told him she had to sit next to the window away from everyone else because she could not concentrate on her very important work with the rising noise levels in the office. She had even resorted to putting in earplugs to drown out everyone, including her own staff. Mike did not have a good enough comeback so it is likely that we will all have to be moved. I hate working with such a petty person. Later in the afternoon, I forwarded an email to everyone saying we should ignore Lucy. Unfortunately, I ran out of giant wavy paperclips so had to ask Lucy if she would get some out of the stationery cupboard for me.

21st June

The weather was gorgeous so I made myself a little picnic and sat in the park at lunchtime. A teenage boy approached me and asked if I knew taekwondo. Apprehensively I said no and was ready to throw my tuna and sweetcorn sandwich at him and flee if he turned out to be a sexpest. Instead he said that he could teach me some moves and asked if I had a boyfriend. I lied saying I did and he looked very disheartened by this reply. He excused himself and left. I wish there were lesbians who would approach me and ask if I did taekwondo, but I only ever get chatted up by boys, who are at least a decade younger than I am, or Mike.

22nd June

An H&S officer visited work. He spoke to everyone to find out if we were taking liberties with our health by working there. I found out I am legally entitled to have a 15 minute break in the morning and afternoon as well as a full hour's lunch. I am so sure that is going to happen. If I take an unusually long time at the water cooler, Lucy sends out a search party. Thank goodness nobody in the office suffers from IBS or Lucy would give them a written warning for dawdling in the toilets.

23rd June

I was late for my session with Dr Liebermann because of a spider. I was on my way out of the apartment when I saw it out of the corner of my eye resting on my local paper TV guide. It was huge and strutting about in a nonchalant way which I found unsettling. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't leave it because otherwise it might skitter into my bedroom, hide somewhere and, while I was sleeping, drop onto my face and cover me in cobwebs. For a few seconds I deliberated trying to find the apartment Frisbee girl lived in, knocking on her door and asking her to get rid of it for me but then decided it against it. She plays sports and might consider me to be too much of a girl if I couldn't vanquish a spider of my own volition. What a great line for a poem "Vanquish a spider of my own volition". Going back to the problem in hand; the spider was too big to place a glass over and chuck out the window. It left me with no choice. I didn't want to kill it but it's not my fault if the spider was walking around like it owned the place. I got my vacuum attachments out and sucked it up. It was nasty but gave me immediate relief.

24th June

It was slightly nippy-noo but I decided to brave the elements and go sun-bathing in case Frisbee girl showed up with the small boy. Luck was on my side today! There she was in shorts and a tank top that showed off her lovely arms. They were playing cricket. I moved closer to them on the pretence of getting out of the shadows and into direct sunlight. The little boy was complete shit at cricket and kept whining a lot causing me to turn my MP3 player up to drown out his screeching. Frisbee girl seemed very patient with him. When she was batting she did her best to hit the ball gently but one time it hooked over to where I sat. I was straight on it and even though the boy had his hands held up to catch it from me I felt the best course of action was to go over to Frisbee girl and give it to her. She said thanks and then asked if I was cold because I had goosebumps on my legs. I blushed which warmed me right up and looked at her hands. The nails were short with no polish on them. A good sign! I said I was warm enough and looked at her face. She is even more beautiful close up, full lips and beautiful eyes. The boy whined that he wanted to play cricket and I could have cracked the little sod over the head with the bat for interrupting us. She asked me which apartment block I lived in so I pointed to my place and gave her the number. She said she lives in the block next to mine but didn't volunteer the number. Emboldened I asked her name. She's called Sam. She looks like a Sam, God she's gorgeous. Small boy was now crying because nobody was playing with him. She said, with regret in her voice, that she'd have to go back to playing cricket but hoped to see me around soon. That surely has to be a good sign. Somebody wouldn't say something like that unless they meant it, would they?

25th June

I've been neglecting my box. I examined it today and once I'd discarded all the problems that have now been resolved I  was surprised to find only one piece of paper left inside. I know I have way more issues than that. I ruminated over my stupendous lack of depth.

26th June

Am in timorous turmoil. Where have all my hidden levels gone? What's happened to the mysterious woman whose intricacies both attracted and repelled the more simple folk who entered her personal ecosystem? I can't be happy. This can't be happiness. I called Stephanie for some validation. She decided the best course of action would be to go out for a drink. She couldn't do it tonight because she's watching her Bad Girls season two DVDs but assured me we'd get to the bottom of why I've become so shallow.

27th June

God I feel rough.

28th June

I had to take the day off work yesterday because I felt so hungover but Stephanie did what she needed to do and reaffirmed what I should never have forgotten; I am deep. She took me to Bar 163 and got me slaughtered. We discussed my concerns about being happy and Stephanie emphatically told me I'd always be a miserable bugger. She said who else would worry about being happy. She's got a point there. We speculated over why I thought I might have been happy and once again Stephanie hit the nail on the hoof . It's Sam. I've got a crush on her and it's making me go all girly. Stephanie said it's just how she was like with the girl at line dancing. I don't agree but instead of saying so I got her off that topic and went back to saying how fit Sam is. I crawled into bed at about 1.15am after eating a microwave pizza smothered in mayonnaise which proves how off my head I was.

29th June

Work is boring. I rang Stephanie and practically begged her to come over Saturday afternoon, before the football's on, so we could see if Sam was playing with obnoxious kid. Reluctant at first I told her I'd make a langoustine and clotted cream quiche with tarragon and parsley for lunch and she readily agreed. I finished my call and Mike sidled over asking me if I'd be talking to anyone special. I said my friend Stephanie and he asked if she was a special friend. I said, very special and he walked away smiling. It's quite sweet that he's unable to hide his relief when finding out I wasn't talking to a boyfriend. He still believes he's in with a chance.

30th June

Mr Liebermann asked about my box. I lied saying it was full to brimming. I didn't want to disappoint him by confessing I'd been going through a dry spell on the problem front. He said I was behaving oddly. I took this as validation that I'm back to being the enigma I always was. It was strange but I didn't want to tell him about Sam. I want to keep that part of my life private from him. I don't want to be influenced by theories he may have about why I like her. To fend off difficult questions I mentioned Mike's crush and why I haven't told anyone at work I'm a lesbian.

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