Misty Shackle's Blog

March 10th

I woke up with my arm across Kajol's stomach and marvelled how our bodies interlocked when we sleep. There was an imprint on my thigh of the curve of her leg where it rested during the night. Gently, so as not to wake her, I removed my leg and my arm. She shifted in her sleep and murmured that she loved me. I don't know if she was talking to me or a person in her dream but I felt happy and cared for.

I went to the kitchen and prepared pancake batter, dropping in a few blueberries as I mixed the ingredients. I put the mixing bowl in the fridge and went back to join her. As I crept back into bed she turned in my direction. She managed to open one eye and told me I needed to let her know when I was getting up and then she would get up to. She didn't want to be in bed on her own. I promised I would and as we snuggled I became drowsy and fell asleep again. When I woke Kajol was stroking my back. We stayed in bed for a while longer, then got up to have the pancakes. It was Kajol's suggestion to get back into bed after our brunch and I agreed. I normally hate wasting my weekend lounging in bed but when I'm with her, it's my favourite thing to do. At about 4pm the phone rang and I went to answer it. It was Stephanie seeing if we wanted to met up for the evening. I mouthed what she said to Kajol and she nodded. She went to have a shower while I was on the phone giving me the opportunity to tell Stephanie about the L word. Stephanie was very excited and asked if I said it back. I admitted that Kajol was unconscious when she uttered the words and Stephanie said maybe she was pretending to be asleep. It was a safe way to see what my reaction would be. Stephanie asked if I was going to saying it back to her and I told her Kajol would have to say it to me again, fully awake and then I'd think about it. Stephanie said that was fine and then added she thought I was. I ignored her observation and got back to making arrangements for the evening.

I drove which I don't mind doing if Kajol's with me. It's like I want to be sober when I am around her because I enjoy her company so much and that feeling would be wasted if I was drunk. I picked up Stephanie and Jenny and we went to The Pelican. Bloody Jenny brought up the bloody camping trip. I hoped that had died a death. She said she'd looked into renting a canal boat for us to stay on. I was happier with that suggestion although the idea of using a chemical toilet and emptying it gives me the screaming ab dabs. Then she mentioned the price for a canal boat and it is extortionate! For that amount of money we might as well pack our bags and go on a casino crawl of Las Vegas. She mentioned a lesbian camping site she'd found on the net, wrote down the link and told us to check it out and come back to her with what we thought. I intend to conveniently lose the beer-mat Jenny wrote on. When I drove them home Jenny started banging on about it again. I pretended to concentrate on driving so as to keep myself out of the discussion. Even Kajol mentioned it when we got in and wanted to look at the website but I persuaded her that it would be more fun if we went straight to bed.

March 11th

It was a beautiful day so Kajol had the idea that we should go for a bicycle ride alongside the river. Her sister's old bike is at her parents so I was able to borrow that while she used her own. We must have cycled for at least four miles and I was knackered by the end of it. We stopped off for a coffee and then went back to the apartment. We were too knackered to do anything but sleep but it did worry me a little. This is the first time we've been together since we started dating and haven't been intimate. Yes we were tired from the exercise but I hope it doesn't mean Kajol's already bored in the bedroom. At least she was too knackered to look at that bloody camping site. Later when she left, I felt a little sad and started to miss her. I looked at porn but it did little to perk me up.

March 12th

Monday arrives way too quickly for my liking. Same mind-numbingly boring routine.

As I was photocopying invoices I thought about what it would be like if Kajol moved into my place. I am sure it would be great but I wonder if it's too soon to mention this idea to her? What if she said no? Our sex life is already going through a barren spell. Barren like the Sahara. I must write another poem about the desert.

March 13th

Doreen was a complete nightmare today. The office is like a war zone because of her, except none of us have to go on 20 mile runs or fire bomb enemy bases. Her drill sergeant management style does not work and creates conflict. We've got a work experience girl in for the week and Doreen tore strips off her for not putting the top back on her Tippex bottle and making the fluid go hard. When Doreen made work experience girl go to Lisa for a new bottle and was informed that we'd run out (that is such a lie. I was in the stationery cupboard a week ago and I'm sure I saw a pack) Doreen had another go at the WEG. The WEG left the room. Worried that she might be upset I went looking for her. I found the WEG having a cigarette in the car park. I asked if she was all right and she gave me a look saying she was fine. I told her to ignore Doreen and that we weren't all like that. She nodded and continued smoking then she asked why we still used Tippex bottles and not the pens. God, even a sixteen-year-old can see how miserly the company is. The pens are only a few pence more. I said she must hate doing work experience in this office and she responded that she liked it because she could go for fag breaks whenever she wanted to which she couldn't do at school. I got the impression she was seeing me as something of a mentor so I asked what music she liked and she said mainly indie. I told her Skunk Anansie was one of my favourite groups. She crushed her fag out on the floor (although she was standing right next to the wall mounted cigarette bin) and said she'd never heard of them and that she had to get back to work. 

Kajol couldn't come over so I spent the evening researching indie bands.

March 14th

I have thoroughly impressed WEG. I've noticed she has a fag break each hour so I made sure to have an air break at one of the same times in the afternoon. As she smoked I asked how her day was and then busted out with telling her how much I like The Go! Team and had been illegally downloading some of their tracks the previous evening. I figured she would like them because I'd found out from Google they'd been nominated for several awards and weren't considered mainstream. She said they were one of her favourite bands then she asked if I liked The Klaxons. I smiled and said that they were cool. I have heard of them before but wouldn't have a clue as to what songs they've done. I moved the conversation back to The Go! Team because at least I know what I'm talking about there and we went back into the office.

On her last I shall invite her out for lunch with myself and Kelly. We might even go to the pub. I know she's underage but as she won't be drinking alcohol there's no harm in it.

March 15th

The WEG agreed to lunch on Friday so I spent the afternoon surfing the net and maximising my indie band  knowledge so we won't run out of things to say to each other in the pub.

Kajol came over in the evening but couldn't stay the night. I know I wrote that I was never going to mention our sex life in this blog and I'm not going to. This is more of a summation of all the partners I've had but I don't think I actually like 69s. Oral sex is great, fantastic even whether I'm giving or receiving but when it comes to 69s they are not as much fun. I wouldn't say I'm selfish but I don't want to be contemplating someone else's pleasure while I'm being pleasured. I just want to concentrate on what I'm getting out of it. Then when I have the big O I can divert my attention back to my partner's needs. I do not want to be multi-tasking when I'm bracing myself for la petit mort.

Ode to Oral

A 69

is fine

if you have the inclination and the time.

To me, oral sex,

is best

when I lie back and enjoy the rest.

Once I ascend

I'll take care of my girlfriend

And make sure we both have a happy end.

March 16th

Lunch with the WEG was fun. Kelly drove us to the Fox and Flowerpot which was very busy. I ordered a pint of Stella each for Kelly and myself then asked the WEG what she would like. She said drinking alcohol at lunchtimes made her tired so she would just have a lime and soda. She must have noted the look of shock on my face because she nonchalantly said that her and her friends had been drinking in pubs since they were 15. Kelly wondered why they weren't asked for ID and the WEG scoffed that if a girl wears enough make-up she can look much older, pass for legal and get in anywhere. The conversation was making me nervous so I changed the subject to indie bands. We stayed longer than an hour but Kelly and I decided that if anybody asked whey we were late back we would tell them we were helping the WEG write up her work experience experiences for school. The WEG said would anybody really care we were back late and I said they could do. When we got back to the office nobody said anything but I am sure Lucy was itching to.

I spent the night on my own because Kajol was out with her cousins. I hung the wedding dress on the back of my bedroom door, shined my shoes and found the only handbag I own stuffed at the back of my wardrobe. It had a red wine stain on it from the last wedding I went to. It took a full 25 minutes of scrubbing and dabbing to get the handbag back into a pristine condition. I thought about calling Kajol but figured she would be having a great time out with her cousins and if they were in a club, she probably wouldn't have heard her phone ring anyhow. It is worrying me how much I miss her when she's not around. Is this love or is it needyness?

March 17th

Mum and dad wanted us to all go together but I didn't know how boring the evening part of the wedding was going to be and whether we'd want to leave early so Mike picked me up. We drove through the cemetery but there didn't seem to be parking in the church grounds. We came to a dead end and as Mike reversed he nearly backed into a gravestone. As it was, we drove over someone's final resting place. It was very embarrassing and I'm just glad nobody from the wedding party or the vicar saw us do it.

Mike found a nearby pub and we parked there and went for a quick drink. As we drank he asked me how much of a beard did I want him to be and I told him to be as big a beard as the one the dwarf had in the Lord of the Rings film. We practised looking like we were attracted to each other. I asked him about when he knows it's right to tell someone he loves them. He told me it's far easier to tell women you love them then men. Mike explained that a woman doesn't want to hurt your feelings so she is likely to say she loves you back whether she does or not whereas a man can feel trapped if he doesn't love you back and it can blow the relationship. I asked him how many times he'd been in love and he said three times, twice with women, once with a man. I asked if love always felt the same and he said it was different with each person but when you're in love you know that you're in love. He questioned me about Kajol and whether I loved her. I said I didn't know and he told me I would know soon enough and if it wasn't love to give her the boot. Mike can be a little too pragmatic sometimes.

It was time for the wedding so we downed our drinks and went to the church. We saw my parents and sat down next to them. My cousin did look pretty in her dress and the groom looked like a nice chap. The service was blissfully short and all the hymns were ones I knew. Afterwards we went to pose for photos. I introduced Mike to my uncles and aunties and my Nana Flo. It started to get cold so mike took his jacket off and wrapped it around my shoulders which impressed Nana Flo. I was sat next to her at the wedding breakfast and she kept saying how lovely Mike was and when would it be my turn. I kept deflecting the question but Mike who had been chatting to my Uncle Maurice and Auntie Daphne overheard my nana and couldn't resist grabbing my hand saying that he kept asking but I kept refusing him. I wanted to dump my mushroom soup over him because he was being way too over the top but Nana Flo was lapping it up. After lunch Mike went off to work the room and I lost count of the number of relatives who came up to me saying how great Mike was and how I should snap him up. Even my mum told me that Mike had a crush on me and I needed to let him know if I wanted to take it further. I told her Mike had a girlfriend and had she missed the years since I told her I was a lesbian? The only reason I took Mike to the bloody wedding was to avoid difficult questions but it seems I made it worse. I am never going to wear a beard again. 

The bride and groom's first dance started and I couldn't believe the song they picked was Daniel Bedingfield's 'Nothing Hurts Like Love'. It's not exactly a ringing endorsement for marriage. Mike came to find me when the second song began and even though I was in a bad mood, he lured me onto the dancefloor and the combination of a free bar and 80s music made it far more enjoyable than it should have been. I had to admit he is quite charming. He got Nana Flo up to dance to ABBA and when Cyndi Lauper's True Colors came on he ordered me to slow dance with him. As we moved he whispered in my ear a filthy joke my Uncle Maurice told him. I had to stop myself from giggling and instead pretend to be madly in love with Mike as we danced. We didn't leave until the last song which was Frank Sinatra's 'My Way'. My feet were aching but all in all it had been a good day.

March 18th

Kajol was able to leave her cousins' house and get over to mine before 9am. When she arrived I was going to make breakfast for her but she told me she would rather we snuggle. We got into bed and both drifted off. I woke at the same she did and she wished me a happy anniversary. She grabbed her bag and pulled out an envelope. She told me to open it which I did. In it was a note saying my wish was her every command for our anniversary. I have to say I did feel some relief that she hadn't bought me anything. I couldn't think of anything to ask her to do so she gave me some suggestions which I happily agreed to. In the middle of one of these suggestions her mobile went off. She didn't answer but it did make me go off my stroke. After, when we finished what we had been doing she checked it and saw it was one of her cousins. I don't get it. I only see my cousins when one of them gets married but Kajol is best friends with hers and always hanging out with them. Also, she'd only just left their house, why the hell were they calling her? She did apologise about the phone and promised not to bring it into the bedroom again.

We made a roast dinner for our lunch. As we ate I looked at her and thought that this must be love. I stopped myself from saying it though. I don't know why I am preventing myself from telling her. If she doesn't feel the same way I can't do anything about it.

March 19th

I received an email from Stephanie mentioning the bloody camping site Jenny wants us to go to. I checked out the link and my worst suspicions were confirmed. A lack of proper shower facilities and lots of women bonding over tinned stew which is cooked outside on a primus stove. If we can't shower I am going to smell like a bonfire for a week. Also, how are we meant to have sex if the only thing separating us from our neighbours is a flimsy piece of nylon? What would be worse is hearing other people's nightly encounters especially if they are unattractive. We are meant to be discussing this on Friday when we all meet up. I do not want to do it and will try to persuade Kajol to see reason.

March 20th

I wonder if anybody dreams of working in an office; that is their ambition in life. I somehow doubt it. Little kids aspire to be astronauts, firefighters or ballerinas not to shuffle paper with the dramatic highlight of the working day being able to grab the last decent pen in the stationery cupboard so they don't have to use the crappy Biro lodged in the back of their drawer with a blob of old Blu-tack welded onto it.

I am thankful I have Kajol, my friends, my dad and my mum when she isn't being mum-like because if all I had was my job I don't know if I could ever be happy. I rang Kajol in the morning and told her it was a very frustrating day. I did not raise my voice while on the phone so nobody I work with would have heard me bitching about the office. She told me that on Thursday, when the local papers come out, she is going to bring them over to the apartment and we will look through them all, make a list of the jobs I can do, then contact the various companies. Kajol said that she didn't like hearing me so down and that it might take a couple of months but we'd find a job which I'd enjoy. Kajol is the optimist in our relationship.

March 21st

Kelly received a card from WEG in the work mail. Although she thanked everyone in the card, I was a little perplexed as to why I wasn't granted a special mention or even why the card had been sent to Kelly and not me. It was my idea to take her to the pub and I was the one who sunk down to her level regarding music choices. Oh well, at least she didn't send it to Doreen. Speaking of Doreen, she is getting ideas above her station. Lucy is off for a fortnight and there is a crisis on reception because one of the girls has left and not worked her month's notice. Normally, Lucy would cover reception but as she's not around, Doreen has added Office Manager to her lack of accomplishments and compiled a list where everyone in our office has to do either a morning or afternoon shift on reception. Doreen has exempt herself from any reception work and has put me on the Monday morning shift which is the busiest of the week because it means having to sort through the weekend post as well as that day's and the phones are busier. When I emailed Doreen to say how snowed under I was with my own work, she walked over to my desk and told me I was the fifth person to complain to her about the shifts and that I could take a lot of my work downstairs and do it when the phones aren't ringing. I Skyped Kelly and we bitched about the injustice of it all for an hour then we went to lunch.

March 22nd

Kajol came over and looked through the newspapers as I made dinner. There were many jobs similar to the one I'm already doing but I fancy a change. She saw one for an apprentice landscape gardener and said I liked flowers so perhaps I should apply. I'm not sure where she got that idea. Once, we were watching a TV quiz show and I got the Latin name for a rose correct but that doesn't mean I'm green fingered. Also, global warming must reduce a need for landscape gardeners in this country. Melting ice caps mean in 10 years time we'll all be making trips to the supermarket in canoes instead of petrol guzzlers. Flower beds and carefully trimmed bushes will be redundant in this brave new world man has created. Kajol interrupted my Al Gore list of statistics with her unwavering enthusiasm. I actually started to get on board with the idea but then I read the advertisement which stated as the company would be paying for the apprentice to go to college there would not be a full pay check until said apprentice had completed the course. I can't afford it. Kajol said she had savings and she would pay for me to go to college and I said no. She asked why and I replied that it would be taking advantage of her. She couldn't understand this and said if I was doing something that made me happy it would be worth and if I was really worried I could pay her back once I was earning a full wage. I told her I'd consider the offer but I'm not going to. It's not as if I have a burning desire to be an expert in topiary and even though it would be nice to work outdoors in the summer it would be fricking freezing in the winter and I don't want to make myself susceptible to hypothermia or piles because of the career path I've chosen.

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