Misty Shackle's Blog

1st March

Five days until my birthday!

Kajol is so lovely. I told her I was taking the day off work and she's gone and done the same thing. The major celebrations for my birthday are at the weekend but Kajol wants to take me out on Monday. She won't tell me me what she's planned but I know it will be a great day.

I was looking through old poems and noticed that the Sahara is mentioned in a lot of them. It is not an easy word to rhyme with so perhaps, subconsciously, I have an emotional tie to the place. Picasso had his blue period and I seem to have a Sahara period. If I'd enough money I would make a spiritual pilgrimage to Africa. Actually, I'll add the Sahara poems to my Facebook profile. Those who have not yet read my work can scrutinise the duelling themes of melancholy and ardour in the poems. Then, hopefully, they will want to donate money for the African trip and get me out of this country. Sponsoring a struggling writer is a great cause to undertake and I am sure there must be dozens if not hundreds of rich yet tender patrons out there who would feel a kinship with my take on life.

2nd March

The start of my birthday weekend! I made a point of going out and buying cakes for the office so as to push them into a last ditch attempt to buy me presents. Walking back from town I passed the eye patch guy in the wheelchair. He was using his legs to propel himself along. I cannot understand why the man has access to a wheelchair. If his legs are good enough to punt him about, he should be walking. I'm sure the hospitals would be screaming out for a slightly used wheelchair even if it has a ZZ Top sticker on it.

Returning to the office I placed the cakes on the centre most table and declared in a loud voice that everybody could help themselves to my birthday treats. It would not be a lie to say that there was a mass rush to scope out my doughnuts. Doreen's reaction was the most offensive. She picked up a cream bun, inserted her forefinger and scooped out all the cream and then placed the bun back where she found it! Unbelievable. I'm glad I had secured an apple danish before her parasitic fingers had molested the cakes. I went over to Kelly and confirmed she'd seen what I had. She said yes and was just as disgusted as I was. She also told me that she and Dawn would be going to my roller disco party which is great but I couldn't help feeling nervous about seeing them together. After waiting all afternoon I finally received my presents. I am so glad Kelly bought them and not Doreen or Lucy. I was given a Susan Jeffers book and what I first thought was a digital camera but turned out to be a web cam. I thanked everyone and, for once, did not have to lie about my appreciation.

Kajol came over after work and we got ready together. I found myself watching as she applied her make-up. She really is beautiful. I would have been happy to spend the evening in with her but we'd promised to meet up with Stephanie and Jenny for drinks. Jenny picked us up and we went to The Hand and Spear. I was not allowed to buy any drinks but when Stephanie went to the toilet I quickly bought us a round of tequila shots and we did them together. Jenny mentioned how in the Easter holidays we should all go on a camping trip. I must have been drunk because I agreed to this. Everybody suddenly became over enthusiastic about the prospect of camping and it took some work on my part to guide the conversation back to Jenny's new range of same-sex commitment cards.  Apparently, they are flying off the shelves and if they continue to do so she will devote all her time to producing them. Stephanie mentioned our coffee/bar/ lesbian poetry group idea and how if we had the premises we could sell Jenny's cards there. Talking about having our own business again reignited my passion for setting it up. I told Stephanie we need to meet up soon and discuss how we can go about implementing it. I know she wants to leave her job nearly as much as I want to leave mine. We ended up being the last people in the pub and were politely shooed out by the bar staff. Jenny drove Kajol and me back to my place and I made some tea to sober us up.

We lay on the sofa, in our favourite position with me behind Kajol. It started to get cold and I suggested bringing the duvet out but she said that we could share my bed. My heat thumped as she said this but I didn't want to assume she meant anything more then us keeping warm together. I turned the lights out. There was some exploration and then we fell asleep.

3rd March

When I first started this blog I decided to include anything momentous that occurred and so far, have been able to stick to this guideline. Today I break my own rule. If I described what happened between me and Kajol under my Egyptian cotton duvet it would sully the loving act we perpetrated. All I will say is that we didn't get out of bed until 2pm and that was to eat a houmous and falafel wrap. We went back to bed and then at 5pm Kajol reminded me we had a roller disco to go to.

Stephanie and Jenny joined us at the train station and we met the others at the entrance of the roller disco. Stephanie and Jenny got me a year's subscription to Psychology Monthly and Jenny had made a card with a painting of Kajol and I on the front which I am going to get framed. Mike bought me chocolate and an aromatherapy kit. I only got a card from Kelly and Dawn but I'm thinking they probably contributed to the collection at work.

The roller disco was brilliant and so camp. Strips of pink material hung from the rafters studded with miniature roses. The walls were covered in glitter. One wall had an under the sea theme, another a jungle, one was painted with movie stars and the final wall had famous landmarks on it. At the edges where the walls joined the images merged so Marilyn Monroe was surrounded by tropical fish and the Sphinx had a parrot perched on top of it. The music consisted of classic school disco tunes.

Stephanie wasn't very good. Even when Jenny held onto her, she ended up pulling them both down. Mike offered to help so he held Stephanie's left hand and Jenny held the right and they went very slowly as Mike's girlfriend whizzed past them doing spins and splits in the air. Mike told me she was a member of an ice-skating club when she was a teenager. I actually liked his girlfriend a lot even though she wasn't what I expected. She was quite quiet and when we were all in a group chatting, she didn't say much. When I spoke to her one on one she was a lot more talkative and told me how much she loves Mike which was very sweet. I had been worrying about Kelly and Dawn but I needn't have bothered. They were acting in the way they did before the split. Halfway through the night Kelly did say to me that Kajol and I could come back to their house after the disco. I'm not saying Kelly was suggesting more than a few drinks but I didn't want to take that chance and also Kajol doesn't know what happened with Kelly, Dawn and me. I don't see a need for her to know and anyway that's in my past and has no place in my future with her. I deliberately made sure that there was never a time that Dawn and I were alone together.

We left at midnight to get the last train home. I wanted Kajol to stay over at mine and she was initially reluctant. Eventually she agreed and texted her mum. We took a taxi from the station to my place and went straight to bed. Kajol fell asleep before I did and I looked at her while thinking about what our future might be like. It doesn't matter to me that she can't tell her parents. I already have enough problems with my parents and I know for Kajol it would be much worse. My parents' views about me being a lesbian (even though they are much better) comes from an emotional place whereas Kajol's parents' views, come from a religious as well as an emotional place.

I am not going to worry about it.

4th March

Using a vibrator is the lazy way of having an orgasm. It's the same as a person wanting to lose weight strapping on a flab blaster and sitting down to watch Eastenders, instead of going for a run. You're dependent on a machine to give the results/happy finish you want. Even if I wasn't in a relationship I would now replace a vibrator in masturbation with the old fashioned hand method. It worked for our grandmothers so it should be perfectly acceptable for modern day women. The problem with vibrators is they're not easily recyclable. I can't sell my old ones on eBay or take them down the dump. I'll have to store my collection in the loft until I discover an eco friendly way of jettisoning them.

Kajol was seeing her aunt, uncle and cousins in the afternoon and I was to have a birthday lunch with my parents so we stayed in bed until noon. I made us French toast for breakfast and then we read the Sunday newspapers. We took a shower together and I watched Kajol get ready. I don't know why but it's becoming a favourite past time of mine to look at her as she gets ready. I noticed she changed the way she applied the makeup. The eyeliner was thicker and longer, what I consider to be a traditional Indian look. I liked it and I told her this. She blushed which made her even more radiant. Once she was ready I drove Kajol home and went to see my parents.

My dad gave me a big hug and said I should have brought Kajol with me. Nobody let me know she was invited. I told him she was seeing relatives so he said next time there was a family dinner I had to bring her. My mum made my favourite Sunday dinner; roast chicken with stuffing, loads of roast potatoes, peas, swede and carrots and cauliflower cheese. For pudding we had Bakewell tart drenched in custard. After lunch mum brought my present out and asked if I was going to wait until my birthday or open it now, as if they were both reasonable choices. I opened my present and found out they'd bought me a new DVD player. I thanked them and started to read the instructions. My mum asked what I was doing on Monday so I told them about Kajol's mystery trip. My dad sounded interested but my mum dropped the subject. I stayed for tea and we had crumpets with butter and golden syrup and I also ate leftover tart with cold custard.

I got home and after only 45 minutes of frustration I managed to set up my DVD player. I put on my L Word DVD but switched it off after 10 minutes. I texted Kajol, soaked in the bath and went to bed.

5th March

It's my birthday! Kajol told me to be ready for 9.30am which I was. She gave me my present. It was a silver bracelet with both our names engraved on the inside. I loved it and put it on straight away. I asked her where we were going and she handed me a printed A4 sheet entitled Misty's Birthday. At the top was a verse from a poem by Samuel Alfred Beadle:

'And when she turns her dimpled cheek                                                                            

Toward me for a kiss,

I lose expression - cannot speak

And take all there is of bliss'

The lines are beautiful and really touched me. I kissed her and she smiled. Then she told me to read the rest of the sheet and then we could go. She was taking me to London. We were going to walk alongside the Thames and visit The Tate Modern, then have lunch at Claridges and finish off seeing Wicked. She said originally she wanted us to see the matinee  performance of Wicked but there isn't one on Mondays and, on the plus side, it would give us a chance for our stomachs to settle after lunch. Then she said I wasn't allowed to bring any money because this was her treat. I said I couldn't agree to that as it was too much. We eventually compromised on me buying my train ticket but she insisted on paying for everything else. Thank goodness it was a sunny day. We decided that it would be best to go to the Tate first and then have the walk after lunch. I haven't been to the Tate in a few years and it was nice to walk through without it being too crowded. Kajol liked a collection of human sculptures which I thought were a bit samey whereas I liked a piece filmed from a helicopter with a narrative containing only five words repeated after the different points on a compass. Kajol thought it was boring and left me to watch the film. These were the only two works of art we disagreed upon and I found we have very similar tastes. I was starving the time we left the Tate and looking forward to my lunch. The meal was the best I've ever had in a restaurant. The staff were friendly and not obtrusive. I ordered a rabbit terrine, beef in a madeira jus and an assiette of banana for dessert. The rabbit terrine was moist and flavoursome, the beef succulent and the dessert a trio of different banana dishes. Kajol was similarly impressed with her order. We ordered coffee which came with chocolate truffles with a liquid caramel centre and soaked in the atmosphere. I was ready for an afternoon nap by this point but fresh air and a walk by the Thames perked me up. I liked it because when we walked Kajol slipped her hand into mine and nobody who passed us seemed to notice or care. It was very romantic. We made our way to the theatre just as the weather was turning. As we were early, neither of us wanted to walk in the dark, we went for a drink in a pub near to the Apollo. I had a gin and tonic and sipped it very slowly as I didn't want to order another drink and become tiddly. We finished our drinks and went into the theatre. I hadn't read the book but Kajol had and gave me a brief outline of the story. We had good seats in the middle and when the lights dimmed for the performance to start Kajol took hold of my hand again. It was brilliant and I want to go again. I would have bought a Wicked top but then I thought that was a bit sad so I contented myself with a souvenir programme. We took the train back home and I wanted Kajol to stay over but she said she couldn't as her mum would give her the fifth degree. I reluctantly said good night and lay in bed recalling my perfect birthday.

6th March

I was knackered at work so kept thinking about my birthday which helped the day pass quickly.

The spam I receive is definitely widening in diversity. Normally I wade through complete rubbish but the one I received today has been my favourite so far. I have been specially picked to try out a new product which, "preserves the animals like the horse and dog and especially the race horses gives him the power and longevity (long life)". Thank goodness whoever wrote this put long life in brackets or else I never would have understood what longevity means. It continues, letting me know that one litre of this product, "containing plant of Africa sub-Saharan" (hey another Sahara reference. I am definitely linked to that desert in some way) will give my racehorse two years of speed and a lot of muscle. I am almost tempted to reply to this person and applaud him/her for their inventiveness and creative use of the English language. If I did have a race horse or even a donkey I'd want to purchase this product.

I would have liked to spent the evening with Kajol but her cousins were coming over to her house so she had to see them. We were able to have a quick phone conversation. I asked if the cousins knew about her and she said yes but they were sworn to secrecy. Then I asked if they knew about me and she said they did. I was going to suggest that we could all meet up but then I heard Kajol's mum in the background calling her for dinner so we had to end our call.

March 7th

I overheard Doreen talking to Lucy. She asked for the form where you write down the details of the people you want a payout to go to if a fax machine drops on you from a great height or you get fatally electrocuted in the toilets by a hand drier. Doreen had fallen out with the primary beneficiary on her form and wanted them taken off it. First of all, I am shocked there is anybody on Doreen's list except for a battered animal sanctuary. Secondly, it is not surprising Doreen falls out with her nearest and dearest and in a fit of pique prevents them from inheriting what would probably £2.50 if the company ever kills her because that would really teach them not to mess with her. Her exchange with Lucy did make me to ponder my own circumstances. I asked for my form and where, in the past, my parents would get all the money I changed it so they would receive 50% and so would Kajol. After seeing her house she doesn't exactly need the money but she has become very important to me and if something bad happened to me I want her to know this.

March 8th

Kajol came over for the evening and we ordered a Thai takeout. As we munched on the crab claws I suggested to Kajol that she might like to keep some of her clothes at my apartment. That way, she wouldn't have to worry about having a clean pair of knickers or bra to wear if she stayed over. Then I asked her if she wanted to stay over tonight. She couldn't. I asked why not and she said because it was a school night and also she would have to make up an excuse to tell her parents. It's easier to come up with excuses when it's the weekend because then she can say she's staying at her cousins. I asked why she would have to come up with any excuses. After all she is an adult. It was at about this point the conversation hit a downward spiral. Kajol said she'd already explained to me why she couldn't be honest with her parents and then she turned it around on me. She wondered how many people at my work knew about our relationship. I told her Kelly did and she asked who else. I admitted that nobody else did because I wasn't particularly good friends with the other people I work with. I couldn't see why I needed to have a indepth conversation with them about whom I was dating. Kajol said it was lucky that Kelly is a lesbian because she wondered whether I would have told her about Kajol otherwise. Then she added, she didn't expect me to have an indepth conversation with people who weren't my friends but until I acknowledged that I had a girlfriend then I couldn't really tell her what she should and shouldn't tell her parents.

We both stopped eating and talking so I cleared our plates and put the remaining Thai food into Tupperware bowls and in the fridge. As I was doing this Kajol came behind me, wrapped her arms across my waist, kissed my neck and said sorry. I said it was okay. I added that I just wanted her to stay over more often as it never felt as if we had enough time together. She agreed with me. We went and sat on the sofa and  I asked what it was like with her ex. Kajol told me she didn't stay overnight at her ex's. The ex didn't like somebody else sleeping in the same bed as her as she couldn't get a good night's rest. I asked Kajol, so after sex she would chuck you out of her bed and Kajol said it was kind of like that. I am surprised they lasted for as long as they did. I didn't want her to go but Kajol left at 11pm, promising me that she would stay over the whole weekend. I can't wait and am going to make the most of it because the week after is the wedding and I won't get to see Kajol at all.

March 9th

Less than two hours was spent doing work in the office today. For the rest of the day I Skyped Kelly and Stephanie and texted Kajol. Kelly is on a recruitment drive for her hockey team as a couple of girls have left it. She asked me and I vehemently refused recalling PE lessons where I was made to stand in the drizzle with the wind blowing up my hockey skirt, occasionally getting whacked on the shins whenever a team mate made an error by passing the ball to me. I do not like playing or watching sport unless it's an all female beach volleyball match.

Five o'clock came and I went home to prepare for a weekend with Kajol. I offered to pick her up but she didn't want her parents to get suspicious about how often we were seeing each other so drove herself to my place. This gave me time to light candles in the bathroom and lounge then marinate chicken for the fajitas I was preparing for dinner. Kajol bought a coffee a passionfruit souffle (shop bought) for dessert. I suggested taking a bath together which she agreed to. I checked the bathroom first and found the orange blossom candle had melted into the bath so had to scrape the hardened wax off with a kitchen knife. Also, the candle fragrances were too intense so I blew all of them out except a non-scented one and opened the window to let in fresh air. Once it no longer smelled like an Amsterdam knocking shop, I let Kajol in. I had my MP3 playing through my lesbian and women singers ambivalent about their sexuality section to create a romantic atmosphere but we stayed in the bathroom for longer than expected. As it finished playing through the song list it switched to my alternative rock section and we got a blast of Marilyn Manson which I switched off.

It was as we lay on the sofa that she mentioned our one month anniversary. According to Kajol it is next Sunday. I think I passed off not remembering the date rather well. I am sure she didn't twig. I did not realise we were going to keep tabs on month anniversaries. I wonder if she expects me to get her a present? I don't mind but she has more money than I do and I can't afford to go crazy with gifts each month. I am already worrying about her birthday and what she will expect from me. My birthday was great but it must have cost a fair amount. It is fortuitous I have the wedding next week so won't be around on Saturday. If we meet on the Sunday I will make sure it is not at my house and I am driving so if she does get me something I can pretend I left my gift at home and will give it to her next time we meet.

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