Misty Shackle's Blog

27th January

Saturday night was a mixed bag of treats. Kajol and I were to meet Mike and Kelly in The Litten Tree but they got delayed. Kajol was rather nervous about meeting them but she needn't have worried because everyone got on with each other especially Kajol and Mike. They went off dancing while Kelly and I talked about her break-up. She started crying and I didn't know what to say so I just held her until she was all cried out. Mike told her the cure for a broken heart was to get smashed so he ordered a bottle of the cheapest nastiest Champagne and we took turns swigging out of the bottle. The he ordered apple shots which were disgusting but did the trick because Kelly went onto the dance-floor and danced with two blokes who were obviously a couple. Kajol went to join them (I've never met anyone who dances so much) which gave me and Mike a chance to catch up. He is in love with the girl he met on holiday. It is so sweet to see him gooey-eyed about someone. He says if it keeps going the way he hopes then he wants them to get engaged. I asked if she knew that he was bisexual and he said yes and she didn't care. She's completely straight but has no problem with him fancying guys as well as women as long as he doesn't cheat on her with anyone. I am so pleased for him. We had to finish our conversation because Kajol came up to us and said that Kelly was being sick in the toilets. I went to find her and was the dutiful friend. I got her water and held her hair as she was puking. She finished throwing up and then started crying again so we decided to call it a night. She was in too much of state to go back to her house so I made up the sofa for her and left a cleaning bucket nearby in case she needed to throw up again. She was gone when I woke up in the morning.

28th January

Dawn rang me up and I agreed to go for a coffee with her. I was expecting her to be in a bedraggled state but she looked fantastic. She'd had her hair highlighted and cut into a style which perfectly suited her face. We talked about her break up with Kelly and she actually seemed all right about it. Kelly came across as the strong one and yet she is the person falling apart while Dawn remains stoic. She invited me out for an Italian meal on Friday and I agreed. The restaurant she's booking is expensive but that should mean the food will be good.

I still hadn't had any replies to my online profile so I've deleted it. It has been a massive blow to the ego to find that even computer nerds don't want go on a date with me. The ideas of becoming a nun or getting banged up in a women's prison are looking ever more attractive.

29th January

Mike rang me up and he said the oddest thing. We were dissecting the events of Saturday night and he said, "So when are you going to take Kajol out on a date?" I didn't have a clue what he was talking about and then he said she liked me. I asked him why he thought that and he said it was obvious. I questioned him to see if Kajol had said something. He said she hadn't but that she didn't need to. I told him about her getting off with a girl in The Candy Bar the other week and he laughed and said it was a wonder lesbians ever got together because they were crap at reading the signs. I told him just because we're not like bisexual men who try it on with anyone they're not directly related to doesn't mean we are crap at reading signs. There were no signs to read. Mike bet me buying him dinner at the restaurant of his choice if he is right. I have three months in which to prove him wrong. I will win. My mouth is already watering at the crab claws I'm going to have bought for me at the fab Chinese near to where Stephanie lives.

30th January

I've been ruminating over Mike's statement. Kajol can't fancy me. She would have said something and if anything was going to happen it would have done so by now. I know when we first met I found her quite attractive but that was before I got to know her. I am going to ask Stephanie what her opinion is.

31st January

Kelly found out that Dawn and I are meeting on Friday and she chucked a massive hissy fit. It took all of my diplomatic skills to calm her down. The restaurant rang their house phone and as Dawn was out Kelly took the call. The restaurant manager asked if the reservation for two was to mark a special anniversary which was like showing a rabid dog a particularly juicy arm. Kelly had a row with Dawn about it and then I was mentioned as the mystery guest. Not that there is anything to hide but I feel it would have been more helpful for everyone if Dawn had given the restaurant her mobile number instead and not bandied my name about. I assured Kelly the meal was strictly kosher. Then I pointed out that only last week I'd met up with her and Dawn hadn't been invited. Kelly remarked that was different, we were in a crowded club with two other people not at a romantic restaurant without anybody else for company. I was a little vexed that Kelly deems me so untrustworthy. Anyway they're not even dating anymore so I why am I being dragged into their Kramer Vs Kramer divorce battle?

1st February

As it was late night shopping I thought I'd pop into town. I picked up a lovely etching by a local painter in the arts and crafts shop. As I was perusing the sweets in Chocolate Box I gazed over at the Anne Summers shop. I went in and was immediately accosted by a very sweet but very young shop assistant. She said did I need any help and I replied that possibly I did. I purposefully strode over to the oversized vibrators and edible body paint where we continued our conversation. I asked about lubrication. She looked confused and then asked if I meant lube. I said yes I wanted a lube but it couldn't smell like a florists. She asked if it was for my boyfriend and I nodded in a way which could be interpreted as a yes or a no. She picked out a mint smelling one and said it was great. I asked if she tried it before and she said no but she said it would feel good on the shaft of my boyfriend's penis and I should apply it liberally to my nipples as it would make them tingle. I was okay with her mentioning penis shafts but as soon as she said mentioned tingly nipples I became quite embarrassed and couldn't look her in the face. This will teach me not to have conversations with Anne Summers' assistants who have the face of an ingénue but talk like Dr Ruth. Next time I shall run into the shop, pick what I want and get the hell out of there.

Well it was a mistake buying the lube. I tried it on my boobs and it didn't make them tingle. It made them feel cold and unsexy. February is not a good month to be trying products which make a person nippy noo. I might save the rest of the lube for summer. I wonder if I can freeze it until then. It cost £10 a jar. It doesn't have an expiration date as far as I can tell but still I don't want it to become unusable as that would be frittering my money away.

Surely by summer I will have a partner. Will they be prepared to use the lube with me or would they wonder who else it had been used on? It's like vibrators. I am a big fan but if I brought my collection out for a new girlfriend would she be wondering whose nook and crannies they'd been stuck in before hers? I meticulously clean each one after every application but still there is cause for concern.

2nd February

I had a half day off work as I'm changing my ISP. The engineer came round to do the installation and he initially seemed a nice enough guy. He asked to use my toilet which I was fine with but he was in the bathroom for at least eight minutes. When he came out he quickly plugged my box in and then left. Now he didn't look ill so I'm assuming he wasn't sick in my bathroom and he didn't need the toilet for anything more than a wee by my reckoning so why was he so long in there?

I am concerned that he put a hidden camera in my toilet and my ablutions will now be featured daily on a fetish website. It's not even as if I will see any of the profits. I checked the bathroom for cameras but couldn't find one. I rang Stephanie and she said the reason he took so long was because he was probably adjusting a contact lens or sending a text message. It's nice she has such faith in human nature but I remain unconvinced.

My evening with Dawn didn't turn out the way I expected. We met at the restaurant and she looked absolutely stunning. I couldn't stop staring at her. She was wearing a dark red dress (I've never seen her in a dress before) with a plunging neckline which emphasised her beautiful figure. I had lobster ravioli to start with which Dawn wanted to try. I speared a piece onto my fork and was going to put it on her plate but she took my hand holding the fork and moved it towards her mouth removing the ravioli with her teeth then licking her lips. It is possibly the sexist thing I've seen in a room when everyone is fully clothed. Desserts were even more distracting. Dawn decided we should both order something the other person would like so we could share them. It ended up with us feeding each other. I hadn't been drinking as I was driving but I felt intoxicated by the atmosphere and the closeness of Dawn.

Dawn came by taxi so I offered to give her a lift home. She suggested that we stop off at my place for one last drink and that's when I made my choice. Maybe I misread the circumstances I was in. Maybe Dawn only wanted a drink and a chance to stay away a while longer from the house which had become a place of misery. But, I think, if I had let her in we would have had a drink and talked and then another drink and then I think we would have kissed and moved to the bedroom and made love and that would be great and wonderful if Dawn was completely single and Kelly didn't exist. But Kelly does and she is my friend.

I said no to Dawn and took her home.

It was bad timing and I would have liked a chance with Dawn because I think I could have made her happy but the timing is all wrong. After I dropped her off I sent a text message saying it would be better if we no longer kept in contact. I didn't get a reply. I know I made the right choice but it doesn't make it easier.

3rd February

Stephanie called to see if I wanted to go out with her, Jenny and Kajol to the cinema so I said yes. It occurred to me after she hung up that I was going to ask about Kajol. It didn't matter because most of my thoughts since last night have been about Dawn and I wouldn't have been able to have the conversation I previously wanted to. It was actually a relief to know we would be in a cinema because it meant I didn't have to engage any of them in conversation for much of the evening. Jenny wanted to see The Last King Of Scotland. It was powerfully acted with a a barnstorming performance from Forest Whitaker but not exactly light-hearted fare. I needed the toilet halfway through and when I came back Kajol had moved her arm so it was resting where mine had been. I put my arm next to it so they were barely touching. I figured she might move her arm away but she didn't so neither did I. Her arm was soft and warm and distracting. Afterwards we went for a drink but a group at the table next to ours was having a heated discussion about caravan holidays which descended into a bottle fight so we hastily vacated the premises.

4th February

Everything I say, sounds clumsy and dumb.

American Music Club

If I'd formed a band when I was in school my life would be so different to what it is now. My poems of alienation and loathing set to a catchy guitar hook would surely have given hope to the many moody lesbian teenagers out there and make them realise they are not alone. If only I'd had a proper channel for my disparate creativity. I would have made a great emo but unfortunately, I was born 10 years ahead of my time.

5th February

It is exactly a month until my birthday. I better start planning what I want everyone to get me. It falls on a Monday which is terrible. I've booked the day off work, there is no way I am going to spend the most important date of the year dealing in a professional capacity with members of the general public and being stuck in a room with my most unfavourite people (except for Kelly) in the universe. Actually, I'd better tell Kelly it's my birthday thereby ensuring there is  plenty of time for the office to do a collection.

Dawn hasn't called. I know I said I didn't want her to but I thought she might have done if she'd liked me enough. It is better this way. Kelly is looking a lot better and has been the happiest I've seen her since the split. Maybe she has moved on.

6th February

I hate my work.

Doreen had worked on a presentation and she wanted me to look through it changing thestyle so it was in line with corporate standards which I did.  I return from lunch to find the presentation on my desk. Doreen had scribbled all over it in red pen saying there were many mistakes and I needed to be more thorough in my work. I looked through it, white hot anger infiltrating my brain and saw that while I had made one mistake to do with the style the other mistakes were things she should have changed when she was creating the presentation. She was in a meeting but when she came out I told her I needed to talk with her. We went into the conference room and I must have looked like I was in a huff because she asked if I was upset and I assured her I was then explained why. She stayed silent, then said she could see my point but that she was too busy to go through everything and that's why she needed me to check and recheck her work. It is not in my job description to be her personal proof reader and if that's what she really wanted, why didn't she say so in the beginning rather than getting her red pen out and writing all over my work as if she was my school teacher?

I called Kajol, told her what happened and we went out for a drink. She said she was really pleased to see me and mentioned that even though it's nice to go out as a group with Jenny and Stephanie sometimes she liked it when it was only the two of us. I agreed with her and then told her more about work and why I hate it. She told me I can't live like this and need to leave. Of course she is right, I must leave. Mike did it and he's a lot happier with a spanking new girlfriend to boot. Actually I need to call him about my cousin's wedding. I wonder if he knows it's my birthday in less than a month?

7th February

What would happen if I did what I wanted to when I wanted to? Would governments be toppled, would it make polar ice caps melt more quickly? I don't like my job and yet I spend the majority of my time doing it. If I left nobody would miss me and I would remain in contact with the rare individuals who are my friends. As long as the bills are paid, and I have savings to do that for a while, I could get up whenever I felt like it, eat when I was hungry and fill my day doing the things that make me happy. You could say I was being selfish, only thinking about myself but surely if I did what I wanted and it made me happy, why wouldn't it have the same effect on the people closest to me? They would no longer hear me complain about anything and to see that I was enjoying my life for once would make them happy for me.

I rang my mum and told her my idea. She said I would be cutting into my savings and they were meant to be for when I could afford to buy a house. So then I said how about if I handed in my notice and then spent the next couple of months looking for a job that I'd actually enjoy. She said it didn't matter what job I took I might like it for a few months and then I'd end up hating it again. As her daughter, shouldn't my happiness be of utmost importance to her? From now on, I will only call my mum when I am in a very good mood and have nothing significant to tell her.

8th February

Kelly had a relapse. We went out for lunch and she burst into tears about Dawn. I don't know why but I felt very guilty even though I haven't done anything. She realises how much Dawn means to her and wants them to get back together. I said they could try couple counselling but Kelly said she didn't want to air her dirty laundry in public which is ironic considering how she has no problem flashing her bits to all and sundry but I didn't say this as Kelly wouldn't have taken it in the context it was meant. I told her that she needs to have a long, hard talk with Dawn and tell her how much she means to her. Kelly admitted she finds it hard telling people how important they are to her and so I told her that will have to change if she wants any chance of winning Dawn back. Kelly agreed and said she would try tonight. I hope it works.

9th February

From random Googling I found out Bournemouth has a yearly Gay Pride March. How is that even possible? Only pensioners live in Bournemouth. Imagining wrinkly old men in leathers and matching nipple rings sends shudders down my osteoporosis free spine.

Kelly and I had lunch and she told me things are back on track with Dawn. I am a little surprised it was so easy for them to get back together but will be happy for Kelly if it works out. She wanted to celebrate with a pub lunch but I needed to go to the supermarket to prepare for my date with Ben and Jerry that evening. I got my ice cream and a bottle of vodka and went to pay at the express till which turned out to be anything but. The lady working behind the counter greeted Kelly and went into a long conversation about how she was being relocated to HR next week and couldn't wait. The supermarket should enforce a policy where only miserable people work the express till allowing customers who are in a rush to make their purchases and leave without being delayed. Eventually, the woman stopped talking and we could leave. I asked Kelly if she was a neighbour and Kelly said she had no idea who she was. The last time Kelly had been in there, she'd bought a turnip for a stew and the woman began talking about her daughter at university.

10th February

I am so glad it is the weekend! Tonight I went out with Kajol, Stephanie and Jenny. We went to a new pub by the river and although the surroundings were lovely there was a very aggressive woman in the pub who kept passing us to take calls on her mobile from sundry participants in her life. At one point she appeared to be talking to one of her children and asking them if they minded if she left their father which I thought was an inappropriate time to be broaching the subject especially with I'm Horny playing in the background. She began to cry and I would have asked if she was all right but she looked as if she could beat me up with her pinkie so I didn't dare chance it. Jenny brought up Valentine's Day and I said I wasn't fussed about it as I found it to have become over commercialised. Kajol agreed with me.

11th February

I was going to make pork for Sunday roast but Kajol called and we went out for a pub lunch instead. We were having an enjoyable conversation and then she brought up when we were at the club and kissed a girl. That was nearly a month ago so I don't know why she wanted to talk about it now. She said my mood changed and had been wondering why that was. I told her I had too much to drink. She asked if it had anything to do with her getting off with that girl and I admitted that I didn't understand why, after all the hassle she'd had with her ex, she wanted to jump into something new straight away. Kajol said she needed to get someone first before deciding whether she wanted to date them. I asked her if she was ever instantly attracted to a girl and she said she could look at a woman and find her good looking but until she spoke to the woman and found out what her personality was like she wouldn't fancy her. Kajol then said that she thought we were good friends and that she wanted us to be honest with each other about everything. I agreed and then there was a bit of a silence which I ended by talking about the craptasticness of my dead end job.

12th February

I hate Mondays.

13th February

I had to pop into the supermarket to get tampons and chocolate chip shortbread and unwisely chose the till the bloody woman worked at who didn't stop talking at Kelly. It didn't matter that I was a completely different person to the one she'd been chatting to because she resumed the conversation from where it left off. I yawned during the HR monologue but she's obviously one of those people who is not aware of when she is being less than captivating to her audience. I am not related to this person or friends with her so why would I pretend to be interested and why do complete strangers feel the need to talk to me? Am I not giving off a good enough could care less vibe?

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