Misty Shackle's Blog

10th January

It was my performance review today and I'd decided to go into the meeting not having reread the questions I was to be asked. I figured it would be better to be surprised by the questions so I'd have to give completely honest answers because there wouldn't be time to make anything up. Plus, the document I'd been sent was pages long and I wasn't going to waste my personal time reading that boring crap.

I didn't recognise the woman from HR. She wore nondescript clothes, big glasses and had a general air of inoffensiveness. First she asked me what I liked about my job and my mind went blank. The only positive I came up with was being glad that Kelly was in the same office as me. She seemed to like that answer nodding and saying it was good to make friends at work. The next question was how had my job improved over time and I asked her if I needed to think up an answer for each question and she said that wasn't necessary so we left that one alone. I can't remember all of the following questions but I do know she asked if there was anything about the job I felt could improve. I said communication in the office was a problem and sometimes I didn't understand some of the people and they didn't understand me. I was going to give names, ie Doreen and Lucy but the HR woman stopped me saying she wasn't allowed to write down certain individuals because that could be construed as discrimination. They discriminate against me on a daily basis and get away with it so why can't I voice my opinions? At the end of the meeting the HR woman said my bosses were pleased with my work and to keep it up. I never see my bosses so it's a bit of a mystery as to how they know how well I'm doing. Oh well, at least I didn't get a bollocking. The next performance review is in a year's time. Hopefully, I won't still be working here.

11th January

I'm not saying it was due to my performance review meeting but a notice has gone up saying there will be an office bowling evening to thank all staff for their hard work. Roughly translated it means the company bosses have realised how much everyone hates each other and reckons if the staff are plied with free booze they will magically get on better. I don't want to go. Neither does Kelly so she asked Lucy if it was compulsory. Lucy said no but anybody who doesn't turn up will be unfavourably looked down at. Again with the discrimination. I might make up a mystery illness so I don't have to go.

12th January

An email went out saying that everybody who goes to the bowling night on Wednesday can leave work early and come in an hour later on Thursday. God there must have been so many complaints and that's why the bosses are giving us this sweetener. It worked on me because if I have to spend less time in this office by going bowling I am so doing it. Kelly has changed her mind too. I am praying I'm not put on the same team as Lucy or Doreen.

13th January

Stephanie invited me and Kajol over for the evening. Jenny was away at an international greeting cards expo in Hastings. I refuse to believe people from around the world will travel great distances to look at the latest styles in greeting cards. Stephanie said it's very popular and Jenny was dead excited about going to it. Jenny must have an incredibly high boredom threshold.

While we were there Kajol's phone rang. She checked it, said it was the ex and switched it off. Apart from that we had a nice time at Stephanie's. When we left I drove us home while Kajol checked her mobile. There were SEVEN text messages from the ex, each one getting progressively more alarmist. Kajol rang her back and I could hear ex screaming at Kajol. Kajol was very calm and told her she'd switched her phone off because she was with friends and she'd told the ex that she didn't want her ringing when she knows she is out, unless it is an emergency. The ex screamed some more and Kajol lost her cool a bit and said they were no longer dating so she didn't have to report back to the ex. The ex screaming reached a new octave. Kajol told the ex she didn't want her calling when she was drunk and that Kajol wasn't seeing anybody but if she was it would be none of the ex' business. I think I heard the ex mention my name but I can't be sure. Kajol ended the call and switched her mobile off. I told her not to switch it on until the next day and she agreed with me. Then she asked me what I would do if I was in her situation. I told her I didn't know everything that was going on with her and the ex but if an ex of mine was talking to me like that I would put some distance between her and me. I wouldn't call her and if she called me, as long as she was civil I would talk to her. I told Kajol that the ex's dad is dead and even if she did everything the ex wanted it wouldn't bring the dad back and it wouldn't change the problems that had already been in the relationship before they split up. Kajol sort of nodded but she seemed a little happier. When I dropped her off she kissed my cheek and it kind of made me feel good, like I'd really helped a friend out.

14th January

I re-read my New Year's resolutions and have decided to give number four a nudge in the right direction. Therefore, I am going to join an online dating agency. I am not sure how far I will cast my net distance wise but I can start by hooking up with anyone who lives in a 10 mile vicinity. If this proves fruitless I will go even further but I do have a limit. I don't want to be travelling the length and breadth of the country meeting up with women who may or may not have appropriate girlfriend potential.

15th January

A quiet day in the office meant I was able to crack open my love profile. After an intensive search, pausing only for coffee breaks, I found a suitable lesbian dating site. It's free and the other members know how to spell and correctly punctuate sentences. I clicked on a few photos and none of the other women look repulsive although, there may be some clever Photoshopping at work. The major drawback, so far, is the lack of space available to write about myself. I was stumped as to how I could condense my essence into three short paragraphs. Eventually, with a lot of work and imagination on my part I squeezed my personality into the offered column. Now I lie back and wait for responses.

16th January

No responses and I felt sure I'd be an online success. I spoke to Stephanie about my lack of feedback and she asked if I'd put a photo on the website. I said no and she replied that if she was on a dating site she'd only email women with pictures.

To get rid of the January blues she is organising a night out clubbing and invited me along. I said yes and asked if Kajol was going. Jenny will be inviting her and Stephanie thinks she will come along. She said how nice it was that Kajol and I were getting closer and I agreed it was. Who could have predicted when we first met what good friends we'd become. It has taught me a valuable lesson. Once I stop viewing every woman I meet as a sexual object I can look past their veneers and become close to them in a non sensual way.

After my conversation with Stephanie I fished out a picture of myself on holiday in Rhodes and stuck it onto my profile. Again I lie back and wait for responses

17th January

I was so busy at work I only looked at my profile four times. There still weren't any responses. I don't know what is wrong with the women on the website. They all seemed normal so why isn't anybody interested in me?

Doreen got on my nerves. Somebody brought up the bowling and Kelly and I were having a private conversation about how we hoped we'd be put on the same team. Doreen overhead us and said she was looking forward to the night and didn't care which group she was in unlike some people who couldn't bear to be split up from their friends. Then she said how it would be my worst nightmare if I was put into a team with her and Lucy. Fortunately, Lucy wasn't in the room when Doreen was having her hissy fit. Essentially, what Doreen said is correct. I didn't want to be on a team with her or Lucy. I couldn't argue with the truthfulness of her statement so I went for an air break even though it was bloody freezing. Even the smokers couldn't face having a fag outside because it was too cold. When I returned to the office Doreen had calmed herself down. Seriously, the woman is the most easily offended person I've known and not in a good way.

18th January

I am cream crackered from the bowling. My thighs ache (I have no idea why) and my right arm is sore from the unnatural strain I put on it. Thank God, I was put on the same team as Kelly. We also had Lucy who is actually all right when she's not in work. Doreen was on the opposing side which I'm happy about because it meant they were put on a different alley to us so I didn't have to hear or smell her. We won! Kelly is a whizz at bowling but then I guess that's obvious because she is the sporty kind. I was useless and at one point wanted the barriers to be put up so that my bowl wouldn't keep going in the gutter. I wasn't allowed because everybody said that would be cheating which is ridiculous. Kelly gave me a few pointers and I did improve. I even got a strike which I was very happy about and got a round of applause from my team. I checked my phone as Kelly drove us home and saw that Kajol had left me a text message but it was too late to call her.

19th January

Still no responses to my profile so I've changed the part about only wanting to meet up with women from the home counties to include the whole of the south of England. I rang Kajol back. She wanted to meet up but I told her I was going to have an early night to prepare myself for tomorrow's full on clubbing experience. We talked about what we were both expecting from the club. She came up with the idea that if one of us is getting chatted up by some dodgy old bint the other one can pretend to be her girlfriend so as to get rid of the bint. I agreed this is a great idea.

It is important I properly line my stomach because I'm sure we will be drinking a lot so after I finished the call with Kajol I made myself a Lancashire hotpot, half of which I had tonight and the rest I'll have tomorrow.

I am a bit concerned because my period is due tomorrow and if I met someone nice and we got off with each other I wouldn't want to be impeded from going as far as I'd like to because of my monthly cycle.

20th January

I made a real effort with the clothes I wore for the club. I bought a new black and white top with shimmery bits and wore my favourite jeans with my studded brown leather belt. I styled the mess that is my hair into something perfectly acceptable and applied my lipgloss which smells like passion fruit. Everybody noted the effort I'd made and Kajol said I looked really nice which made me happy.

We took the train to Waterloo and then went to the Candy Bar. It was fairly busy and as I was getting the first round in I had to wait for quite a while at the bar. I checked out the women and saw one girl standing on her own. She saw me looking and smiled. She had auburn hair, full red lips and was very cute. I was going to approach her after I'd given the others their drinks but then a rough looking kind of girl started talking to her. She kept giving me looks though so I decided that when the rough looking girl went to the toilet or to the bar again I would go and chat to the red head.

I was handed the drinks and went to join the others. Stephanie mentioned that she was telling the others about my forays into internet dating. Jenny asked me to explain what it entailed and when I finished telling them Kajol said she was surprised that I'd join a website. I said it was perfectly safe and if I got any weirdos I could always report them to the site and have them banned from contacting me. I then told her that she should join up too but Kajol said she didn't want to.

Kajol said she wanted to dance and asked if anybody else wanted to. I said it was too early for me to start. Jenny wanted to and Stephanie said she would keep me company for a bit and then join them. She mentioned Kajol's reaction to the online dating and I reiterated that I was very sensible and wouldn't go off with some weirdo. She also said again what good friends Kajol and I were becoming and it finally dawned on me what was happening. I reassured Stephanie that no matter how close Kajol and I became, she would always be my best friend. She started to say that wasn't what she meant but I think she just felt a bit embarrassed about being jealous and anyway Jenny interrupted us and forced Stephanie to go dance with her. For a while I was quite happy drinking my drink. Stephanie came back with a couple of refills for me and I liked watching the women dancing. Then I got bored and went looking for the others. I saw Jenny and Stephanie first and asked them where Kajol was. Jenny grinned and pointed her finger at a two women getting off on the dancefloor. It took me a few seconds to realise it was Kajol. I was shocked and then angry. After all the shit that's happened with her ex I figured she would steer clear of women for a while. Also, she'd just been funny about my safety with regards to internet dating and there she was getting off with a complete stranger who could be a psychopath for all any of us knew.

I went to the bar, got myself some more long drinks and a couple of shots and went and sat back down. I knocked the shots back and felt a little worse for wear. The redhead I'd been checking out earlier came and sat down next to me. She tried talking to me but I couldn't make out what she was trying to say. I was in such a bad mood and she must have seen that because after a while she got up and left. Once I finished my drinks I got more drinks. I don't know what time it was when the others rejoined me but Stephanie looked at me and said that we should all go home. She had to help me out of the club and into a taxi. I can't remember how much the taxi cost or really how I got home but we must have taken the taxi all the way back from London.

21st January

I got my period. That and the splitting headache I had from last night's drinking meant I didn't get out of bed until the afternoon. I had a few missed calls from Kajol and one from Stephanie. I called Stephanie and she said I was the most drunk she's seen me in ages. She said I also went very quiet towards the end of the evening which is very unlike me and was there anything wrong. I said there wasn't and then I asked her if she thought it was okay that Kajol got off with that girl after all the shit she's been going through with her ex. Stephanie said Kajol needed to have some fun and anything that took her mind off her ex's crap was a good thing. Stephanie couldn't understand the point I was making and I was too hungover to explain myself further so I told her I was tired and ended the call. Kajol called again but I was in the middle of making an all day breakfast so couldn't leave the frying pan unattended.

I can't work out why she did it. She had no interest in that girl, she said so. Still no fucking replies to my profile. I don't get. Everybody else manages to have relationships, why can't I? I'm not horrible looking and I'm not a nasty person. I wish I was straight. Men are far less complicated than women. Actually, that would be awful. Maybe I could become asexual instead. There have got to be people in the world like Tibetan monks and pensioners who are quite happy not being in a relationship. I need to find a book which encourages this endeavour.

If I'm celibate does it mean I can still have sex with myself or do I have to give that up too?

22nd January

According to the newspapers this is most depressing day of the year. I am not surprised. It's grey, drizzly and I have a huge blister on my foot from shoddily designed shoes.

I still haven't had any replies to my profile. Why do I even bother?

23rd January

I spoke to Kajol in the evening. I was just getting out of the shower and didn't have a chance to check who was calling before picking up. The conversation was a bit stilted and then she mentioned the Candy Bar. I asked if she'd seen the girl she'd snogged and she said no. The girl had given Kajol her number but she didn't want to ring it. I asked why and she said it was a drunken snog and didn't mean anything. I said she was attractive and Kajol agreed but added it didn't mean that the girl would be someone she wanted to date or even have anything in common with. Then she asked me if there had been anyone at the club I liked and so I mentioned the red head and how she'd chatted me up. Kajol said that was great and asked if I had got a telephone number and if I was going to see her. I said we left before I had a chance to ask for her number but if we went again and she was there I definitely would. Kajol seemed really pleased for her and I was going to suggest we go again in a couple of weeks' time but her mum was calling her for dinner so she said goodbye.

24th January

Kelly and Dawn have split up! Kelly was in a state at work and so I took her out for a drink in the evening. She said they've been rowing and not getting on for weeks. I expressed my surprise and said how they appeared to be such a close couple. Kelly said nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors and they've been keeping up the pretence of being a happy couple for ages. I asked if anybody else was involved and Kelly said no. She actually said it would have ended sooner if they hadn't been sleeping with other people. They have a mortgage but they're going to sell their house and Dawn's going to get an apartment while Kelly is going to move back to her parents and save up a bit of cash. I told her how sorry I was and she said it was sad but for the best. Poor Kelly and Dawn. I don't want to take sides because both are my friends. I wonder if I should call Dawn and see how she is?

25th January

Doreen brought in a fruit cake she made. I did not want to try it. I can only imagine the state her kitchen is in. I didn't get the option to decline the cake because she sliced it up and left a piece on everyone's desk. I tried it and it was okayish but then Helen on reception told me a horror story. When Doreen cut Helen's slice a small dead spider fell out of the cake. As soon as I got home I had a shot of limoncello to kill off any harmful bacteria I'd ingested having Doreen's health hazard of a cake. I wonder if she is trying to poison the office? If she brings in any more baked goods I am going straight to HR to voice my concerns.

Kelly rang and we talked about her and Dawn. She's not going out this weekend and doesn't want to be stuck in the house with her so I suggested she meet up with me and Kajol. She thankfully accepted and asked if she could invite Mike too. I said that was fine and then told Kelly I didn't want her bringing up in conversation that we had sex. She said it wasn't the sort of thing she would talk about with a complete stranger. I just know when people start drinking they talk about all manner of things and I wouldn't want Kajol to get the wrong impression of me.

26th January

Three quarters of Doreen's toxic cake was still in the fridge at work. She shouted out that if anyone wanted a slice they were to help themselves. Everyone ignored her. Then she said if no one ate it today, she'd keep it in the fridge and we could have it on Monday. According to her the flavours will have matured by then. It's not like she's created an artisan cheese which improves with age. If anything, her cake's germs may spread to the other foodstuffs in the fridge and destroy their edibility. When she went out for lunch Lucy dumped the cake in the waste disposal bins in the car park and said if Doreen asked we were to say we'd eaten it all. Doreen didn't mention it when she came back so I guess she forgot she'd made a cake. I hope that when I am old I am not cursed with a defective memory.

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