Misty Shackle's Blog

22nd December

As was to be expected the Christmas do was pants. I spent most of the evening hanging out with Kelly although there was one point where she had to go to the loo and Doreen came over to me looking for sympathy. She said Lucy was a bitch (she was very drunk but even so it was a shock hearing her say that) and that she had a terrible childhood because she had an evil mum who treated her like crap. I didn't really know what to say about this volunteered information. Perhaps I feel a little bit sorry for her but Doreen should realise the way she treats others has an impact on how they view her.

Kelly and I took a taxi back home together. While we were in the back, Kelly put her hand between my legs and touched me. We got to my house before I was ready. As I stepped out of the cab she called out hat she couldn't wait until tomorrow. As soon as I got in I masturbated and came three times then went to bed.

23rd December

I don't know why but I felt guilty over what I did with Kelly. I had a dream where I told Kajol about what happened in the back of the taxi and she was disappointed in me. I woke up and vowed not to have sex with Kelly or Dawn again. I left a message on Kelly's phone saying I would not be coming over tonight and then rang Kajol to see how she was. She told me her ex's dad had died and that made me feel even more terrible. We met up for a drink and Kajol was a bit tearful so I tried comforting her. The funeral is going to be next week after Christmas and Boxing Day and she said she is going to it. No one I love has ever died so I didn't really know what to say. I ended up just letting her talk. By the time we said goodbye, Kajol was feeling a little better.

24th December

I packed a small case and went to stay at my parents for Christmas. It's like my mum regresses at Christmas and treats me as if I'm a five year old. She'd made sausages wrapped in bacon, even though she's allergic to bacon, because she knows how much I like them and joked with my dad about what time in the morning I'd be up to open her presents. It has been ages since I've forced my parents out of bed to unwrap presents and I'm not fussed whether she does the sausages wrapped in bacon or not. Although, the one year she used the cheaper brand of sausages I did note a marked deterioration in the standard of our Christmas lunch.

In the evening we drank egg nog and played Monopoly until my dad got annoyed when my mum wouldn't give him a loan as he had a cash flow problem. Then we played Operation. We were all tipsy and had difficulty mastering the tweezers which meant the buzzer kept going off until it gave my mum a headache and so we stopped playing.

25th December

Christmas! My parents are early birds so I was surprised they weren't up at 8am. I waited for fifteen minutes then went downstairs and made myself a cup of tea. The kitchen is directly below their bedroom so they would have heard me. I relaxed, turned the tv in the lounge on and up and waited. They didn't get out of bed until past 9am. When they eventually sidled downstairs I'd arranged our presents into three neat but clearly delineated piles. I opened my presents as my mum cleared away the wrappings. I got a Sarah Mclachlan CD, a motivational self help guide, slippers, socks, a belt that I wanted and a new watch. I didn't get a selection box which is what I get every year. Asking my mum why I hadn't received one she said she thought I'd grown out of it. I said it was a family tradition so she apologised and promised next year she'd get me one. My dad wanted to play the classical CD he'd got but I wanted to hear my new Sarah Mclachlan album so we listened to that while my mum stuffed the turkey. Mum had our dinner ready at 3pm. We started with prawn cocktail with brown bread and butter, then roast turkey, sausages wrapped in bacon, brussel sprouts, carrots, parsnips and, of course, roast potatoes with lashings of gravy. We had a rest and then mum pulled out the big guns with her boozy, brandy Christmas pudding. It was great.

I rested for ten minutes then moved away from the dining table and onto the sofa. We napped and watched tv. I was eating cashew nuts, cornichons and Florentines when my mum told me about my cousin's wedding in March. She said, apart from me, all the children in our family were married. She said her sisters and brother keep asking when it's going to be my turn (they don't know about me) and had I met a nice young man yet? She added that she was running out of things to say about why I didn't have a boyfriend. I said she didn't have to tell them anything and it was none of their business. Then she gave me one of her looks and said my cousin had sent me an invite and I was allowed to bring a guest. My mum said it would look weird if I came on my own so I should ask one of my male friends to accompany me. I asked why I couldn't bring Stephanie and she said that would ruin the seating arrangements if there were two girls sat next to each other. The only person I can think of inviting is Mike but would he want to do it? I'll ask him in the New Year and hope he says yes.

26th December

Boxing day was a relaxed affair. I woke up late, 9.30am and mooched about my parents' house eating and watching tv. Calamity Jane was on in the afternoon so I made sure my mum and dad knew we'd be watching that. After 12, I texted Kajol and Stephanie. I also texted Mike to see if he'd come to the wedding but didn't get a response. I vaguely remember him saying that he was going snowboarding over Christmas but I forgot to ask him where or when he'd be back. I received a text from Kelly. She and Dawn are having a New Year's Eve party and wanted to know if I'd go. I texted back and lied saying I was going to London with a few friends. I had planned to stay over at mum and dad's for New Year's but now it looks like I'll have to venture out. I've probably left it too late and I'm sure everyone has already made plans for the evening.

Kajol phoned and said that despite her bereavement Christmas had been nice. I don't get it, her parents are Muslim but they celebrate Christmas? I mentioned that I was thinking of going to London for New Year's and she said that was a great idea. I asked what her plans were for New Year's and she said she didn't have any. There was a bit of a silence and then I told her I was thinking of inviting Stephanie and Jenny if they weren't busy and she said that was a good idea. There was another silence and then she said that maybe she could join us and I said that was fine. My mum shouted at me that Calamity Jane had started so I ended our call and went to watch it.

Stephanie called halfway through it but I waited until it finished to ring her back. I said about New Year's in London and she was up for doing that. I have given myself the task of  organising a get together for the biggest party day of the year and have less than four days to do it in. Crap.

27th December

Back to work and what a waste of time. There's nothing to do except eat cheesy straws and Google. Kelly suggested playing music on Lucy's computer. Lucy's PC is the only one in the office with speakers. If Lucy had been working over the Christmas period instead of visiting relatives in Inverness she definitely would have said no to this plan. Thankfully, all the small talk had dried up (really it is only Kelly and me who are friends outside of work, the rest of them can't stand each either) and so everyone agreed to music. We all went to our cars and brought back a couple of CDs. I picked my Tracy Chapman album and for light relief Sarah Mclachlan. Doreen commandeered the proceedings and got to go first. We had to listen to fucking Il Divo for over forty five minutes. I couldn't stand it so Kelly and I went for an air break. We came back just as the last song was being played. I thought that would be the end of it but before anyone could stop her, Doreen was back at Lucy's PC, putting a new CD in. It took me one second to realise who it was. Amy fricking Winehouse. I liked Amy fricking Winehouse but now she's been spoiled for me. Thanks a bunch Doreen. I could not disguise my incredulity that someone who listens to El bloody Divvo could also like the Winemeister. Doreen piped up that she'd won Amy's CD in a raffle held by the Budgerigar Appreciation Society, didn't like it to begin with but it's slowly grown on her. Probably in the same way her fungal foot infection has.

28th December

I still had no work to do so spent the time trying to find somewhere for us to go in London on New Year's. Everywhere was charging exorbitant prices but I did find one lesbian bar which looked like fun. It is called the Venus bar and offers a, "seductive environment for our female clientele". I emailed asking how much it would cost to get in and if they were selling tickets or people were allowed in on a first come first served basis. I haven't had a reply yet but I'm thinking they must be mad busy during the Christmas rush and that's why I didn't get an immediate response.

29th December

Another day wasted in the office doing nothing. Kajol rang to tell me how the funeral went. I'd forgotten all about it but convincingly pretended I hadn't. She said her ex was a complete mess and she'd stayed at her house later than she intended to because the ex didn't want her to leave. Then they had a disagreement when ex said Kajol was never there for her when they were dating but because her dad died Kajol was acting the way she should have done when they were together. Kajol said it was the grief talking but it was still hard to hear and she left before it could escalate into a fight. I told her she did the right thing. She abruptly changed subjects by asking how the rest of my Christmas had been so I said it was rubbish because I'd been working. She said that was annoying. Then she mentioned how much she was looking forward to New Year's Eve and would be glad when the new year started because she wanted to put this one behind her. I heartily agreed with that statement. Recent years have been rather mediocre for me so I definitely deserve a bloody good one next year.

We said goodbye and when I got off the phone I found out Doreen had put another one of her fricking CDs on. This time it was fricking Jane MacDonald. It is so unfair, I haven't even had one of mine on yet. When she went to the toilet, Kelly and I switched it off and put on Kelly's, Basement Jaxx CD. Doreen hated it but that was the point. I waited to see if Doreen would turn it off but she didn't have the bottle.

Still haven't heard from the Venus bar.

30th December

Mike rang me. He came back from snowboarding last night. He said he had a brilliant time and met a girl there. She lives in Reading so it's not too far for him to go and meet up with her. I asked if it was serious and he laughed saying he didn't know anything about her except that her preferred position is the starfish. I wish I possessed Mike's level of shallowness. He agreed to be my beard in March and I told him that when we're at my cousin's wedding he can't go around chatting up other guests because he's supposed to be my fella. He half- heartedly said he'd think about it. He's not even my real boyfriend and I am worrying that I'll have to keep him on a tight leash. Once again I thank God that I'm a lesbian.

I wrote another email to the Venus bar strongly urging them to contact me about New Year's Eve and threatening to boycott their establishment if I don't hear back from them. I am not a pugnacious person but if backed into a corner I will come out fighting.

31st December

I will never go to London on New Year's Eve ever again. It started off okayish. Jenny drove us to the station where we didn't have to wait long before getting a train to Waterloo. Waterloo was packed so we squeezed onto the tube and travelled to Leicester Square then walked to the Venus bar. None of us could see it at first and then we realised it the place with no lights on. We walked to the door and saw a hastily scrawled note on a postcard. The note informed all Venus patrons that the staff had buggered off to spend a gay New Year's Eve in Sydney. So wrong! New Year's Eve must be the most cost effective night of the year for any bar or club. How could they just up sticks and go on holiday? To say I was disappointed was an understatement. Stephanie tried to lighten the atmosphere by saying it was okay and not as if someone had died. There was a palpable silence after that comment. Kajol tried to jolly us up by saying we could go to London Eye and watch the fireworks. This would have been a good idea if it had been 11-11.30pm. It was 9.24. Wandering the streets of London when it is freezing cold, drizzling and pissed chavs are blowing whistles in your ear is not my idea of fun. Jenny got blisters on her feet from her new shoes so we kept having to stop. I turned out to be the sane one saying I'd had enough and wanted to go home. The others agreed this was the best option. The queues on the underground had gotten worse so by the time we got on our train home it was 11.55. We missed seeing the fireworks although we heard them for a few minutes from our train.

Once we were back at Jenny's car, Stephanie invited us back to their place for a drink and this turned out to be the best part of the evening. Stephanie had bought Jenny a karaoke game for her console, so we all took turns singing. Kajol and I did a duet to, "Solid As A Rock" which I have to say was impressive. We stayed there until about 3.30am, then Jenny took us home.

1st January

New Year's Resolutions

1. Be more tolerant of other people's faults/foibles.

2. Look at less porn. The time I spend watching Scandinavian business women having sex is time I should use broadening my intellectual horizons by reading the novels of Proust.

3. Find the ultimate brownie recipe.

4. Have a brilliant new career/fall in love. If I can pull either one off I'll be grateful.

I'm sure there's way more resolutions I can come up with but my head hurts and I want to go back to bed.

2nd January

I don't understand how it can be so quiet over Christmas but as soon as it's January I am deluged with work. In the internal mail I received a document saying my performance review was due. It listed all the areas of my job that would be addressed in a meeting between me and a member of HR. Some of the questions included were, 'What are the favourite aspects of your job?', 'Where would you like to see yourself in five years' time?' and 'How does your presence in the office benefit other members of staff?' This is going to be tricky. Does the HR person expect me to tell the truth or should I make up an arbitrary list of lies and learn them in time for the meeting?

3rd January

Even though I was busy with POs, I found the time to make up a list of the gay festivals I want to go to this year. They include, London Pride, Brighton Pride, Birmingham Pride (I'm sure Stephanie said they had a Pride in Birmingham or maybe I'm getting confused with the Hooters restaurant she said was there) and any L Word conventions, official or otherwise. I wish Britain had something similar to the Olivia Cruise. I guess we don't really have the weather for it. Who'd want to be docked in Portsmouth Harbour playing beach volleyball with a group of drag kings when it's chucking it down with rain?

4th January

Aunty Val sent me money as a Christmas present so I used it to go late night shopping. The way some men like to collect cars is the same way I can't help collecting vibrators. Anne Summers were having their January sale and I didn't intend to go in but they were advertising a turquoise teddie in the window at a 50% discount so I decided to find out what else they'd knocked down. I bought myself a love bug which is silent and can be used anywhere. If I'm in a restaurant and I've ordered soup of the day I can switch the love bug on until my dinner arrives and no one would be any the wiser. There was a note on the packaging saying not for use in Cyprus. I have no idea why this is a problem but seeing as I have no plans to go on holiday there I have no need to worry. Are vibrators illegal in southern Europe or is it something to do with dodgy electrics in Cypriot homes?

Even though I bought the vibrator I kept my resolution and did not look at porn. Instead I looked at my A-level copy of The Rainbow and flicked through until I got to the part where Ursula has sex with her school teacher, Miss Inger. I must have read the same passage many times when I was studying. There is a well worn crease in the book to prove it.

5th January

After work I rang Kajol to see if she wanted to go out for a drink. She sounded odd on the phone, quite stilted but said we could meet up tomorrow.

I used the love bug and once again did not look at porn. This time I chose The Color Purple but reading about oppressed women killed my sexual buzz so I switched to Tipping The Velvet. I know it's won lots of awards but is it too titillating to be viewed as classic literature? Oh well, it did the job.

6th January

I found out why Kajol sounded weird. She was with her ex at the time. The ex asked who she was on the phone to and when Kajol told her the ex became angry. Kajol said she was always like this. Any woman whom Kajol is friends with, especially if they are a lesbian, infuriates the ex. I understand that Kajol is trying to be nice to ex because of her dad's demise but won't it give the ex the impression they could become a couple again? I know that isn't what Kajol wants. She vociferously denied wanting to be in a relationship with the ex and from everything I heard about the ex I'm not surprised. I asked Kajol if maybe she felt guilty and that's why she was overcompensating with the ex by spending so much time with her. Kajol said that the ex lost their relationship and then her dad, she just doesn't want the ex to feel as if she's alone. As we were talking the ex called up. The ex must have asked where Kajol was and Kajol pretended she was out shopping. I gave her a look. When she ended their conversation I asked why she lied and she said because telling the truth would upset the ex. There is nothing going on with me and Kajol so I don't see why she couldn't be honest. I told her I didn't want to be lied about to anyone and she apologised and said it wouldn't happen again. She looked as if she was about to cry so I gently said it was okay and that I was always there to talk with if she was having a hard time with the ex.

I will try and find out more about the ex from Jenny and Stephanie

7th January

I had a text from Kajol thanking me for yesterday. She felt as if she could talk to me when things were difficult for her which made me feel happy.

I've broken one of my resolutions already. I'm fed up of scanning classical literature for lesbian subtext. It's less disruptive and a lot quicker downloading porn.

8th January

Do I masturbate too much? Is there a norm for lesbians? If I was still seeing Dr Liebermann I'd ask him to find out for me.

I haven't thought about Dr Liebermann for ages. I would contact his wife but it wouldn't be very nice if he's now in prison and I stir up bad memories for her by mentioning him in casual conversation. There was a time where if I hadn't had my Friday sessions I would have literally cracked up. I don't feel the need to find another therapist but that might change in the future. I don't have less problems than I did when I was seeing Dr Liebermann so I'm not sure why I feel different now. I am masturbating more so perhaps there is a direct correlation; the more I masturbate the less I need therapy.

9th January

Psycho Masturbator Qu'est Que C'est?

A recidivistic onarist because I'm gay?

When released, the spiritual

coalesces the physical

And mental masturbation

Leads to stimulation.

 Blog: Page 14