Misty Shackle's Blog

3rd December

I'd done all my housework and there was nothing on TV so I called Kajol and asked if she wanted to have lunch with me. She hesitated then said yes. We went to The Rose and Crown and she ordered fish pie while I had roast pork. I offered her a slice of my pork and she declined. Then I realised what a mistake I'd made and apologised for disrespecting her religion and promised never to eat pork in front of her again. She half smiled and said the reason she didn't eat pork was because she didn't like it. I apologised again and there was a bit of a silence.

We had another drink which helped loosen us both up. We talked about my past relationships and once we'd done that I asked about her previous girlfriends but she changed the subject. Even though she was, at times, reticent I think we learned a lot about each other this afternoon. We are going to see each other again next week which I am looking forward to.

4th December

I worked through my lunch-break leaving early to get my hair cut. I wanted a change and said this to the hairdresser. She told me, and I remember this part clearly, that she was going to give me a long fringe which would be longer on one side and my hair would have lots of layers to give it more depth. Swept away by her enthusiasm (also, she looked very pretty in her black shirt) I agreed to the chop. As the tresses fell from my head, I imagined how great my transformation would be. If the haircut Jason Donovan had in Neighbours circa 1986 can be considered great than I am fine. I have a fricking mullet. It is not at all like the haircut she described to me. I was stunned but managed to be gracious because she was so bloody pleased about the hatchet job she'd done. I even gave her a tip (she is very pretty) and left. All that's left for me to do os buy a lumberjack shirt and get my eyebrow pierced then I can conform to all lesbian stereotypes.

5th December

I washed my hair and tried restyling it for work but it still looked crap. I reminded myself Jason Donovan scored Kylie with this haircut but it didn't make me feel better. Kelly was the only person to mention my hair and she said she liked it. Kelly needs to work on becoming a better liar. 

Yvonne left three messages on my mobile asking when I was going to join her advanced self defence class adding that my friend Stephanie had been most eager to sign up. I checked with Stephanie and found out I too have been used as a pawn in Yvonne's Machiavellian marketing. We are both scared to call her back in case she uses strong arm tactics forcing us to rejoin her bloody class. She must realise we are not interested and give up soon. Until then I am letting my mobile go straight to answer phone so I don't have to speak to her face to face.

6th December

The menopause has not been kind to Yvonne or Doreen. Both are moody, have defective hearing, well Doreen has and like putting me down. I went out of the office for like two minutes to text Kajol and when I came back Doreen grumbled that my phone had been ringing and when she answered it a woman who said she was Duncan's sister very rudely told her to tell me that she called. Who the hell is Duncan's sister? I don't know anybody called Duncan let alone any of his siblings. She then said under her breath, but loud enough for me to hear that everyone in the office complained about being busy but still had enough time to take personal calls. It is not my fault she has alienated everybody she's ever met. The only functional relationships she can sustain are with budgerigars and they have to be locked up in a birdcage in order to stay. I found out it was Stephanie who called. She said Doreen was the one being rude. Doreen needs to go on Zoloft (if it will stop her cranky moods the side effects of nausea, dry mouth and loss of libido are more than worth it) and while she's at the doctors, get her dodgy hearing tested.

Yvonne called again and again, each time sounding more furious. Stephanie and I are still too scared to call her back. When will Yvonne take the hint?

7th December

Yvonne called again. The amount of money she'd have saved not ringing Stephanie and I would equal our membership fees for the class. When Camp Commandant Doreen went for lunch I sat next to Kelly's and told her about the Yvonne problem. Kelly said if I gave her Yvonne's number she would pretend to be me and make it clear that we did not want to go to the classes. Kelly made the phone call, putting on a nervous sounding voice which sounded nothing like me (Kelly is usually a faultless mimic. Her impression of Drusilla off Buffy is spot on) After finishing the call she said Yvonne had been fine about us not going asked why I was scared of calling her. I explained how scary Yvonne was but Kelly didn't believe me.

Kajol hasn't replied to my text. I'm not sure whether to send another one. Perhaps she didn't get it. For a brief period I worried she might have been in a deadly accident but I'd like to think Stephanie would call me if that happened.

8th December

I was making my Christmas card list and wondered whether to include Dr Liebermann. In the past he'd complained whenever I sent a card saying it was inappropriate. I'm a lesbian so it's not like his wife's had to worry about us having an affair. In the end I wrote him a card and mentioned how much I missed him and hoped once the court case was over he could go on a proper psychiatry course, get the required certification and then I could become his patient again. It should cheer him up to know how well regarded he is amongst at least one of his ex clients.

As Stephanie was out with Jenny, Mike was busy and I still hadn't heard back from Kajol I had the night to myself. There was nothing on TV so I surfed the net, looked at porn and went to bed.

9th December

I was cleaning out the drawers under my bed when I found the tape I'd bought from Yvonne. I put it on and was immediately subjected to Yvonne's raspy voice. Clearly production values were cheap because it sounded as if Yvonne had made the recording in her bedroom. Her voice had a weird echoey effect on it and in the background I heard whale sounds. She ordered me to close my eyes and pretend I was walking up stairs. The whale sounds were very distracting making it difficult to hear what Yvonne said. I'm guessing she talked about finding the tool that is me but I couldn't be sure because out of nowhere another voice muttered, "Power, power." Twenty seconds later it happened again. Instead of listening to what Yvonne said I waited for the other voice to speak up. This continued for the duration of the tape. I don't think I'm supposed to hear the subliminal messaging parts. To increase my self worth and confidence I have to listen to the tape five times in the first week and from then on, three times a week, which I am going to try and do.

10th December

Stephanie is moving in with Jenny. I am happy for her in some ways but it is a big undertaking and they haven't known each other very long. I joked about when they were going to have a commitment ceremony and Stephanie said they already had custom made matching rings so she was happy to wait for the next big step. I asked when they bought them and she said over a month ago. When I wondered aloud why she hadn't worn her's, she replied she had and everybody liked it. The timer went off on my oven so I ended the call. I took my rice pudding out and left it to cool while I rang my mum. Her response to the news was strangely positive. She said it was about time Stephanie settled down as she was a nice young lady. Yes I'm sure she would be if we lived in the Victorian era. Who says nice young lady and is it really the appropriate term to use about a woman who can belch Three Blind Mice when she's drunk? My rice pudding was developing a brown skin so I finished speaking to my mum, and ate it all with vanilla ice cream and raspberry jam while watching the episode of the L Word where Carmen gives Shane a lap dance.

11th December

The day started off well as I accidentally kicked Doreen's bum. She was faffing about on the floor directly behind my desk. I turned to file a report, didn't know she was there and booted her bottom which was kind of cool. She made a comment about writing the incident in the accident report book. I'd already said sorry, it had blatantly been her fault so I chose to ignore her continued demented rantings.

I can't escape the unsettling feelings I have about Stephanie's announcement so I was glad to speak to Kajol. I asked if she knew about the matching rings and she said they were lovely. I admitted I hadn't noticed them, Kajol said oh, then said that next time I see Stephanie I should tell her how nice they are. I asked for her feelings about the moving in and Kajol replied how pleased she was for Stephanie and Jenny. Why isn't anybody else worrying that it might not work?

I listened to Yvonne's tape but the power repetition really worked my nerve so I had to switch it off and look at porn to calm me down.

12th December

In the New Year I am going to look for a new job. The trouble is I don't know what I want to do. I would like a job job where I can come home and not worry about the day I had. I don't want to spend the next 30 years working in an office where the only things perks stopping me bitch slapping at least two work colleagues are Xena/Gabrielle fan fic websites and using the office phone to call my mates. I want a job which makes me happy but I don't know how I am going to find it.

13th December

I drove to work and I thought about what would happen if I kept driving. I could keep driving and see where I ended up. I have enough money to live for at least a couple of months in basic rented accommodation. I could send a message to work telling them I'd wouldn't be coming back. I'd contact Stephanie and my parents and maybe Mr Liebermann and Kajol letting them know that I'd taken a holiday so that they wouldn't have to worry if they didn't hear from me for a while. On my break I could relax and perhaps find a new job in a new town and start a new life.

14th December

I desperately need to go out tonight - one more evening watching chat shows highlighting people who had negligible talent but were conspicuously successful would have tipped me right over the edge - so it was fortunate Stephanie called when she did. She was throwing an impromptu moving in party and wanted me to

come celebrate. I asked if anybody I knew would be there and she mentioned that Kajol was going. As it was a party I dressed up and put on a bit of lippy. I rang Kajol to see if she wanted a lift but she didn't answer. I tried a few more times and then went by myself.

I couldn't drink much as I was driving but I wanted to because I felt nervous. There seemed to be more of Jenny's friends (who looked better when dressed in Halloween garb) than there were of Stephanie's. Stephanie did her best to stay with me but she kept getting called away to fill up bowls with Thai chili and lime crisps or bring a crate of bitter out of the garage. I texted Kajol but again no reply. I told Jenny I was worried because I'd heard nothing from Kajol and she replied that Kajol wasn't coming because she was meeting up with her ex. I ditched Jenny and looked for Stephanie finding her by the Mexican dips. When I asked about Kajol's ex, Stephanie it was nothing for me to flake out about, there was a very good reason why she they weren't together any more. I said I didn't care whom Kajol was dating but was just surprised her ex was still hanging about as she hadn't talked about her when we'd met up. I remembered to ask about Stephanie's ring, mustered up requisite enthusiasm when I saw it, then left the party at the appropriate time of 10.42pm.

15th December

Kajol and I went kite flying. It was her idea, I'd never done it before. There was a lot of wind but still we had difficulties getting it up off the ground. We tried for half an hour until a gang of kids made derisory comments about our lacklustre aerodynamics. After leaving the park we went to a pub nearby and talked. I asked her about her ex and she told me. She told me that she had loved her in the beginning but it changed. Her ex was very controlling, didn't like Kajol going out if she wasn't there and could be verbally aggressive. I asked Kajol if she'd ever physically hurt her and she assured me she hadn't. Nonetheless it had been too much and Kajol had left her. She said it was the toughest thing she had ever done. Her ex pestered her for ages, calling all the time, checking up on her but things had calmed down. I asked how often they saw each other and Kajol said they hadn't been in contact for ages until recently. The ex's dad was very poorly (Kajol had got on well with the ex's parents) and so she wanted to give her some support. I wondered why the ex went to Kajol, she could get support from other friends. Kajol said her ex hated showing her vulnerable side to anyone but she could do that with Kajol and so Kajol wanted to be there for her.

I'm not sure it's sensible for Kajol to keep in contact with this person. It's very nice of her to care about her ex's dad but it will end up with the ex wanting them to go out again and that wouldn't help either of them.

16th December

I'd been thinking about Kajol and her ex and couldn't get away from the fact that it's damaging for them to be seeing each other, especially as it's obvious that violent ex would like them to date again. I couldn't help myself from calling Kajol about it. She told me that  she'd given me the wrong impression about her ex. Her ex could be a lovely person, she wouldn't have stayed with her for so long if she wasn't, and she wasn't as aggressive as I appeared to  believe. I told her I was concerned for her welfare and she told me I didn't have to be as it wasn't any of my business. The conversation ended right about there. I don't get why I'm in the wrong for caring about what happens to Kajol. She's my friend and I don't want to see her getting used. Also, how ill is this guy and how long is he going to have whatever he has?

I rang Stephanie and found out ex's dad has terminal cancer. I am a complete minge. I rang to apologise to Kajol but she didn't answer so I left a text. I'd hate it if she didn't want to speak to me again.

17th December

Kajol returned my call. She said she would have called me back earlier but she had stayed over at her cousins'. I told her that I thought she might not have wanted to speak to me and she replied that I should never think that, even if she was completely annoyed with someone she would call them back. I asked if she had a good time with her cousins and she said yes. They went clubbing and one of them tripped and fell into a pool of vomit. They caught a taxi and the cousin stripped off in it and threw her ruined dress out of the window. When the cabbie wouldn't leave because she'd thrown away her dress, she assured him it had only been £6 from Primark. He lent her his jacket to keep warm and all the cousins snuggled next to her. When he let them out he sent the cousin a text saying if she ever wanted to go out to give him a call. Kajol's cousins sound rather wild. She said that was one of the milder stories she could tell me about what goes on when they are out together and laughed. I asked if her ex got on with the cousins and Kajol said they'd never met.

18th December

My sodding car is on the blink. I don't have no idea what the hell is wrong with it. I called the garage to have it picked up so was very late to work which both Doreen and Lucy commented on. I cannot stand the small minded pettiness of either of them. I went out for lunch with Kelly and she said I should hide their staplers to get my own back. She hinted that her and Dawn are having a quiet evening on Saturday, the party they were going to had been cancelled, but that I could come over if I wanted which means one thing - jiggy jiggy. I am frustrated at the moment so I will consider her proposition. I haven't seen any decent porn for ages. Maybe because it's winter so nobody wants to get naked making new online movies. I am exactly the same when it comes to clothes shops. It's too nippy noo at this time of the year to be taking my clothes off in store cubicles.

Kelly gave me a lift home but she won't be able to do that for the next couple of days so I am going to have to catch the bus as the garage is out of courtesy cars. I've checked the routes and it means I will get to work half an hour early which is terrible. I refuse to work so will spend my time online shopping for Christmas presents.

19th December

Something is fundamentally wrong with the state of public transport in this country. My bus was late and when it did arrive, there was a man on board drinking from a beer can (at eight in the morning!) and telling the bus driver how crap he was at his job. The more he drank, the louder he became until the driver stopped the bus and chucked him off. Even though the bloke had been paralytic his assessment of the driver's capabilities was unerringly accurate. We mounted the kerb at least twice and the way he negotiated one corner scared a little old lady walking on the pavement who we missed by inches. I am praying there is a different driver tomorrow.

I managed to order my parents a festive hamper and Stephanie some record vouchers although I'm not sure she will get them in time for Christmas. I did consider getting Kajol something but I'm not sure if she celebrates Christmas and also it might be weird because I don't know if she will get me something.

20th December

I am thankful that after today I will never have to use a bus again. Today's social misfit was a man who either had mental problems or was a failed comic and didn't know how to work a crowd. He came up to nearly everyone on the bus and told them to smile. I was not in the mood. If he had come up to me I would have pretended to be deaf and made up some ad hoc sign language to get him away from me. Luckily he honed in on a poor woman whom he told to smile and then serenaded with Nessun Dorma. He did not stop singing for the duration of  my journey. I've never been so glad to get into work.

Lucy was the only other person in and she offered to make me a tea which she never does. She asked me how things were now with Doreen and I said I still found her hard going. Lucy agrees with me. In fact Lucy actively dislikes her and had no qualms telling me this. I'm not sure how I feel about getting chummy with Lucy. On the one hand she's a manager and I'm not sure she's allowed to bitch about work colleagues like the rest of us are. Also, she's not exactly my favourite person in the office, we've had a few run ins, so this new found solidarity between us doesn't feel right. On the plus side I dislike Doreen more than Lucy and the enemy of my enemy is supposed to be my friend, or something. Plus Lucy smells like the Lush shop which is preferable to Doreen's budgerigar aroma. I wouldn't want to be on the smelly side of any battle.

21st December

Doreen and Lucy had a massive row in the office. It was brilliant. I don't know how it started as  I came in halfway through when they were stood facing each other. Lucy's face was red with anger but Doreen's reaction was even cooler. She was breathing rapidly and kind of drooling. Doreen made her hand into a fist looking as if she was going to punch Lucy but Kelly came behind her and kind of pulled Doreen away. Later, when everything had semi calmed down and Kelly had, had the opportunity to thoroughly sanitise her hands she told me the argument started because Doreen accused Lucy of not giving her the correct information with regards to an account and Lucy insisted that it Doreen's responsibility to look after that information, not her. It would be great if there was disciplinary action taken against Doreen but our company is not proactive when it comes to matters of internal violence. I am hoping that at the Christmas do tomorrow it will all kick off again.

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