Misty Shackle's Blog

13th November

Where Is She?

As days grow dark

So does my heart

I can't say I lost her

For she was never found

Where is she?

Everywhere I go

There are couples in the throes

of love. But not me.

Where is she?

I have a good nature

and would never fake her

Where is she?

Does my love dream of me?

Where is she?

I had to sit next to Doreen for thirty minutes as she talked me through a memo. Doreen smells like a pet shop.

14th November

On the way to self defence Stephanie and I had a heart to heart. I told her about Dr Liebermann going AWOL and how I am finding it hard to follow the Five Rules Of Love especially when I don't have anyone to love me. She told me love comes along when you least expect it and that I've got to be love myself before I can give my love to somebody else. I told her I already loved myself and my ideal partner would be a lot like me. I'm not being narcissistic because it is the truth. Although I didn't agree with a lot of what she said, Stephanie did lighten my mood. I asked what she was going to tell me about Kajol on Sunday and she said that Kajol enjoyed my company. I asked if that was it and she said yes. I am sure Kajol said more than that. Oh well, I don't care because I didn't fancy her anyway.

15th November

Since Doreen began working in the office I am sure she has worn the same clothes, unless her entire wardrobe is a spectrum of grey which wouldn't surprise me. If she is wearing the same clothes it would explain the smell. She has found a new task for me to do. As I am the fire marshal she felt I would be the best person to create a disaster recovery plan. I had no idea what the hell she meant. Doreen explained, as I inched further away from her, that if there was a terrorist attack or the office went up in a massive fireball I would be the one to find a new location, get all the computers up and running and sort the insurance out. She had a diagram to show me what she meant. Her name had been typed under the IT recovery manager role but she had scribbled it out and written my name in blue Biro, which looked incredibly professional. Then she handed me a lever arch file which had at least fifty pages in it and told me to change it. I am so angry. She is not my boss and I am sure this is meant to be her job and she's offloading it onto me. I emailed Kelly and she told me to ring Mike up about it and see what he says.

16th November

Doreen asked how I was getting on the disaster recovery plan and I said I hadn't started it. She was annoyed at my apathetic attitude and said the office could burn to the ground at any time and unless we had a recovery plan in place we could get into a lot of trouble. I was overjoyed that my new job meant I had a huge new responsibility to worry about and with no instruction on how to formulate the recovery plan. I hate Doreen and her smell and if she asks me to make her one more cup of tea because she can't get up because of her poor old legs I swear I am going to glue gun her to her seat and then her poor old legs will be the least of her worries.

17th November

Doreen wasn't in because one of her budgerigars died. Death would be preferable to living with Doreen. I bet even the birds get fed up of the smell. I'm not sure but I think I heard Lucy bitching about Doreen. I wonder what everybody else thinks of her. I know Kelly doesn't like her and has to open the window when Doreen is near her. She said if Doreen doesn't have a proper wash she is going to get one of those plug in air fresheners and will ask Lucy to pay for it out of petty cash.

I tried to call Dr Liebermann's office but there was no answer. I went to my session but his office was locked up again. What is going on? Again, as I had the spare time, I was able to read more of the Five Ways Of Love. The Fourth Way Of Love is; If God gives you manure, use it for your compost heap and grow pretty flowers. I guess this rule is trying to say every cloud has a silver lining. I am beginning to lose patience with the five ways of love. The last way better be a bloody good one and if I don't find love before I've finished the book, I'm so selling it on eBay.

18th November

Stephanie had a laser questing voucher for a group of four so I went with her, Jenny and Kajol. We split into groups of two; Stephanie and Jenny and me and Kajol. I showed off some of my moves from self defence class and ended up winding myself on one of the metal bridges. Kajol stood in front of me while I caught my breath and defended us against Jenny, Stephanie, a gang of hoodies and a random 10-year-old. Random 10-year-old's haircut was so bad it appeared as if roadkill had been sewn onto his head. When the game finished we found out random 10-year-old was the winner. I came second to last and Kajol didn't fare much better.

We went to a Spanish tapas bar dinner and while I made sure not to eat anything containing garlic no one else had misgivings about bad breath. To save embarrassment, I passed around a packet of chewing gum while we were having coffee. Kajol offered to give me a lift home which made me believe she liked me. In the car I offered her another chewing gum and told her all I knew about Mrs Dalloway. I couldn't be bothered to finish reading it so had gone to a website which highlighted the central themes, and explained these to her. She looked interested but said she'd studied it at college so couldn't remember much about the book.

It had been my intention to invite her into my apartment, give her another chewing gum and see if she'd try seducing me. Kajol parked her car said goodbye and that was it. I didn't get a chance to cajole Kajol into my apartment. Next time I see Stephanie I will ask what is going on with Kajol.

19th November

I decided that when the New Year comes I am going to leave my job and Stephanie and I will find some way to get our bar off the ground. I made a list of names we could call it. My favourites were F Bar, Saph-Fix and Chocolate. Once I've run these three past Stephanie and she picks the one she likes the most we can get business cards made up.

20th November

Doreen was in work but as she was grieving I didn't bother her about the stupid disaster recovery plan. Kelly asked Lucy about doing a collection to get a card or a bunch of flowers from the supermarket but Lucy retorted that a small bird had died, not a member of Doreen's immediate family. I think she was just annoyed because nobody did a whip round for Lucy when her tortoise Alfie passed away during a particularly gruelling hibernation.

21st November

My self defence class has become quite grim. Yvonne wants us to be prepared for sexual attacks. There is one man in our group but Yvonne said he should be careful too as male rape is on the rise. She scared the hell out of all of us when she brought out a tray containing sundry root vegetables. We had to pick a vegetable and practise on each other. I picked the smallest parsnip and lunged at Stephanie. Yvonne walked amongst us judging our defence moves and then stopped everyone. She said we could invest in a modern day chastity belt, like she had done, and that would decrease our chances of attack even more. Yeah, but how would a would-be attacker know you're wearing one unless they're incredibly bulky? Even then they could be confused for incontinence pants. Yvonne's scaremongering has ensured I shall not sleep well tonight. Tomorrow, I am buying another baseball bat to put at the side of my bed.

22nd November

Doreen went on about the bloody disaster recovery report again. She said she needed it by Friday for a presentation she would be making getting quite shirty as she was talking. I don't think this is my job. She is not my boss and when Mike was here he never asked me to do one. Encouraged by Kelly, I called him about the disaster recovery plan and Mike said it isn't my job, it is Doreen's and I'd need to tell her that. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this. We have an open plan office and there isn't anywhere in it where I can have a quiet word with her. Although Mike said it isn't my job I am scared I could get into trouble with Doreen. I don't want to have a fight in the office.

23rd November

At last, I have been vindicated. I got into work and Lucy was the only person in the office. She said hello which was odd and then she came over to me and said she noticed that I didn't get on with Doreen. I told her that was an understatement and mentioned the disaster recovery and how both Mike and I felt it wasn't my job. Lucy said it wasn't and that she'd have a word with Doreen so I wouldn't have to do it. It was surprising to have Lucy on my side for once but thanked her and went back to emailing Stephanie a shortbread recipe.

When Doreen came in Lucy was straight over there demanding to know why she was dumping her work on other members of staff. Doreen denied doing this but Lucy said she had proof (Lucy kind of went into Miss Marple mode at this point) and that an unnamed member of staff had made a complaint about Doreen. I ducked my head behind my computer screen and pretended to be engrossed in a memo regarding the health and safety issues involved in putting up Christmas decorations in the office. Doreen asked who, making me shrink further behind my computer and Lucy said that person was irrelevant (thanks a lot Lucy) and for the meeting on Friday Doreen needed to do her own work because that was what she was being paid for. I inwardly cheered when Doreen said fine and later, when she went to the toilet I dumped on her table all the disaster recovery crap she'd given me then raced back to my desk. Fortunately, Doreen did not disturb me for the rest of the day.

24th November

Dr Liebermann is a possible charlatan! His wife left a message on my phone explaining that Dr Liebermann had been arrested for fraudulent activities. He is not actually a registered psychiatrist. His bogus credentials were obtained from an online college although, she said her husband had believed his certification was authentic and that he had been conned just as much as his patients had. His wife ended the message by asking if I would be a character witness for Dr Liebermann or, should I say plain old Jeff Liebermann. I will have to think about this long and hard. Therapy has been a great source of comfort to me and I cannot dismiss Mr Liebermann's wise words as a case of smoke and mirrors. However, he has betrayed the hypocritic oath and to forgive him might be wrong. I consulted the Five Ways of Love searching for an answer. It didn't help in the slightest so I went out on the piss with Mike instead. I can't remember much of our conversation but it seemed to make a lot of sense at the time. I ended up snogging Mike. I don't know why. I don't fancy men, I really don't. I am so relieved we didn't do anything else.

25th November

I was so worried about what Mike and I did on Friday that I had to call him. He asked why I rang so early and I told him that I didn't want him to get the wrong idea about me and that I didn't fancy him and that I wasn't straight. He laughed and said I was a complete lesbian for worrying about it. He said it was a harmless kiss, it didn't mean we were dating and that sometimes people do kiss and there doesn't always have to be massive implications to it. Apparently, he kisses his friends all the time and nobody is bothered. Mike said he was glad to be bisexual because he didn't have to justify who he fancied. He said, in his experience, that sometimes straight and gay people are so busy rigidly defining themselves as being attracted to one sex that they deny themselves the chance just to like whomever they like. I told him again I didn't fancy men and never would and he said that wasn't what he meant. He said that him kissing me hadn't been repellent for either of us and even though I fancy women and had told myself that I only fancied women sometimes it's okay to be affectionate with someone just because you like them for their personality. It doesn't always have to be about a gender. I was too hungover to disagree so thanked him for being understanding and ended the call.

26th November

I've finished the Five Ways Of Love. The fifth way states that love is the one true adventure. To find and share love a person has to step outside their comfort zone and take risks. I take risks all the time. When I'm making a cake I might not follow the recipe in the book exactly which is always risky when producing baked goods.  Sexually this year I've not so much been on a rollercoaster, it's more like an out of control bumper car with no one at the steering wheel.

27th November

Doreen spent her time in the office ignoring me. When she asked if anybody wanted tea she pointedly excluded me. When she came back from lunch she'd bought a packet of custard creams, I saw it was the cheapest brand, and handed them out to everyone except me. Two can play this game. She jammed the photocopier and I could have helped her get the paper out but I chose not to. After a expletive filled rant she slammed the lid down and went back to her seat. Later in the afternoon I had lots of photocoyping to do and when I tried to use the machine it was still jammed. I can't believe Doreen just left it like that. I rushed to fix it and was able to get all my copying done, no thanks to the Birdwoman of Alcatraz.

28th November

Doreen had a right go at me. My phone was ringing and I was about to pick it up when she diverted the call to her phone then shouted at me that she was transferring it back. I finished the call and she stormed over to my desk saying I never picked up my calls in time. Office policy states that all calls should be picked up on the third ring at the latest and that I usually left mine ringing at least five times. I wanted to find out why she didn't have anything better to do than listen to my phone going but I kept quiet. She then asked if I reckoned everybody in the office was below me and therefore had to be my personal receptionist. I said no. It really was the only word I could utter because I was holding my breath so as not to gag due to her rancid smell. When she went back to her desk I opened my window to get some fresh air in. Doreen told me off again saying the office was like a barn (it sure smells like one when she's around) and it was freezing with the window open so I had to shut it. I hate my working life.

On the way to self defence I told Stephanie about Doreen. She thinks that if it's as bad as I say it is then I should keep a diary and jot down all the times when Doreen is a minge and then I can go to my bosses and show them which, in theory, is an okay idea.

Yvonne was quite chilled out for our last lesson. She said if we signed up for her advanced self defence class we would each receive a hypnosis tape she'd made for the reduced price of £2.98. It would teach us how to be more assertive. When she directly asked me if I was going to join her new class I avoided the subject by buying her tape for the full retail price. Ten pounds is steep but if it means I can stand up for myself against Doreen it will be worth it.

29th November

Work was a lot less stressful. Doreen is out on a management communication course today Thursday and Friday. I'm praying the instructors communicate the importance of her being chucked into a vat of sheep dip and then teach her valuable verbal skills.

I received an email from Kajol which was nice. I hadn't given her my email address so she must have got it from Stephanie. She was preparing a winter picnic and wondered if I wanted to go along. I asked what it would entail and she emailed back saying it would be wrapping up warm and going out to the countryside. She would make all the food and all I had to do was show up at Stephanie's house on Saturday at 11am. I offered to make something but Kajol was adamant she wanted to do it all.

30th November

Kelly and I went for lunch. She invited me to a party her and Dawn are throwing. I asked her what kind of party and she laughed and said I had nothing to worry about. They're having it a week on Saturday and I can invite anyone I want to.

1st December

Stephanie and Jenny can't go on the winter picnic as Jenny has the flu and Stephanie wants to stay at Jenny's home and take care of her. This means it will be Kajol and I alone together. As I am now going to be the one driving it means I can't drink. I really don't like being with someone new if I've not had a few glasses to calm myself. I am worried I will run out of things to say and Kajol will find me boring. The picnic will last at least a couple of hours, I won't be able to get out of it earlier than that, so I am going to have to try and be interesting for at least that amount of time. I'm not sure I can manage it.

2nd December

I rang Kajol at 9am to see if she wanted to cancel the picnic. She said no, unless I wanted to. I wasn't sure what she expected me to say so I said it was fine. I printed off directions to her house, got there and bibbed my horn. Kajol rushed out holding a big picnic hamper. She was closely followed by a short, dumpy woman. The woman made a motion at me to roll down my window. She said hello, asked my name and said if Kajol hadn't made enough I was invited to join her family for dinner later. Kajol tried saying goodbye but dumpy mum continued talking. When Kajol sighed loudly, said we were in a hurry and had to go, her mum retorted that the countryside had been there for thousands of years and wasn't going anywhere. Then she asked why Kajol was embarrassed whenever she took an interest in her friends and how she should be happy that her parents didn't neglect her. Kajol responded that if she was neglected then at least she'd get some peace. She waved at her mum and told me to drive off or we'd never get away. She apologised but I said it was nice her mum wanted to meet her friends and Kajol replied that it would be if she was 12 but she was 28 and for most of the time her parents forgot that.

We went to a lake Kajol knew about and had our picnic. Kajol had made vegetable samosas, marinated lamb cut into strips and stuffed into pitta bread with salad and a minty sauce and a chicken pie. There was potato salad with homemade mayonnaise and vegetarian sausages. For dessert we had banana cake.

It was a nice day. It was sunny and although a bit cold, we'd wrapped up well. We talked about Jenny and Stephanie and how we'd become friends with them. I told her about Sam, I didn't mention Kelly and Dawn because it would have given her the wrong impression about me and Kajol talked about her parents. She said it was expected in her family for the daughters to stay at home until they were married. As she was never going to get married this might pose a problem for her but she had decided that next year she would move out. When it grew dark we made our way back home. As I dropped her off I was going to kiss her on the cheek but she got out of my car before I had a chance to. I waited until her mum opened the front door and she was inside then drove back home.

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