Misty Shackle's Blog

21st October

I am not going to see anyone this weekend. I'm sure Stephanie will be with Jenny so it's best  not to disturb them. Now everything is all right with Dawn and Kelly I imagine, if I called them, they would want me to come over but I'm not going to do that.

I've cleaned my car and now I can read the Monet book I bought a while back.

I've baked caramel slices, almond slices and macaroons. There's too much for me to eat so I will take them into the office on Monday.

It's not even 6pm and I've run out of things to do.

22nd October

I spoke to Stephanie about my boring Saturday and she said I should have called her. She and Jenny went to the cinema but I could have tagged along.

I told her what my mum said about the loan and Stephanie took the news well. She suggested we have a brainstorming session and come up with some money making ideas. Stephanie's optimism rubbed off on me and I am now feeling a lot more positive about our bar/cafe/restaurant/dojo/poetry club. 

Stephanie's invited me to a fancy dress Halloween party, Jenny's throwing. I've never gone to a fancy dress before and will have to think long and hard about my costume. I want it to be decadent and inspired but most importantly, cheap. I asked about Jenny's friends. Stephanie's only met some of them. She said they were artsy fartsy and I should blend in well. There is one girl whom she gets on with. She is a primary school teacher called Kajol and Stephanie reckons I would like her. I'd have to meet her first. Although Stephanie's done all right ensnaring Jenny her taste in women normally is hip-smackingly bad.

23rd October

Things are back to normal with Kelly. We went for an air break and it was nice to joke around without there being a sexual undercurrent. When we were talking I did think about Dawn and I've missed seeing her but that will eventually pass. If we had kept having sex it would have got worse and I know that now. I realise I am not the sort of person who can have sex without complications. If only I didn't care so much.

24th October

Stephanie and I went to our first self defence class. It is run by a woman called Yvonne who resembles a  nicotine-stained, sun dried tomato. Yvonne may be short in statue but she's a scary lady. If I was a mugger I would not want to be stuck down a dark alley with Yvonne. She taught us an arm hold where if a would-be assassin tries to beat you up, you grab hold of his/her arm and push it upwards to breaking point. The move can only done if you are being attacked face on so I'm buggered if someone takes me from behind before next week's lesson.

25th October

Mike's leaving work. I suppose I will miss him. He's worked here for ages so it must have become bad for him to look for a new job. I only found out Mike was leaving when he was escorted off site. It is so stupid. Obviously Mike had known for a while he would be leaving. If he had wanted to wreak industrial sabotage on our company he would by now have put the wheels in motion. Before he was dragged out of the office he shouted that he would have a leaving do a week on Friday at The White Hart which I shall go to.

26th October

Kelly did a collection on our floor for Mike's leaving present. He did well but no thanks to Lucy who put in a in a measly 28 pence. If I left she'd probably take money out of my collection. Kelly and I are going to take an extended lunch break on Monday and go shopping in Staines for his presents.

27th October

After the last session I felt no point in talking about the cafe/bar/dojo/restaurant so instead mentioned the friend of Jenny's whom Stephanie thinks I will like. Once again I was in trouble with Dr Liebermann. He said I was developing a fascination for a woman I hadn't even met. I don't like it when he is dismissive of my life goals. I asked him to explain why the papers are full of stories of people finding their soulmate on the internet even though they've never met that person or how some women fall in love with death row prisoners in Texas and can only afford one holiday to see their boyfriend before he's offed in the electric chair. Admittedly I was on shaky ground with the last part of my argument. Dr Liebermann said these people, like me, were living in a house of cards where such unrealistic dreams will come crashing down like a very heavy ace of hearts. I've learnt a technique where if anything Dr Liebermann says upsets me I can tune him out by reciting, in my head, the lyrics to Missy Elliott's, One Minute Man.

28th October

I went to Waterstone's - still no gay section - and bought a self-help book. It is called The Five Ways of Love by Antonia Belvedere. According to the comments on the back Antonia, "changed my spending habits - M. Donatella, Beverly Hills CA" , "saved my marriage - J. Hinckley, Poughkeepsie NY" and "diluted my inner rage - E. Scagnetti, Hooker Oklahoma." After such glowing testimonies I couldn't not buy it.

29th October

The First Way of Love is;

1. Listen to the wind. Antonia says it's important to appreciate the small things in life, like the sound of wind. In a relationship, this means appreciating it every time your partner holds the door open for you instead of letting it slam in your face or hands you the remote control when Prisoner Cell Block H repeats are on.

The Second Way of Love is;

2. Balance is power. If a partner does something annoying, like fails to pick up their crap after you've just spent an hour cleaning, remember that every bad point they have is balanced out by a good point and focus on these good points when you're picking up their dirty knickers.

I've only read the first two sections but I'm sure the other three will be just as good.

Stephanie called to tell me to bring fireworks for the Halloween party. I mentioned The Five Ways of Love and proceeded to say how much it's improving my life. After half an hour she stopped me in midflow and said it sounded very interesting. I offered to lend her on the condition she gives it back relatively quickly. I've lent Stephanie many items and unless I constantly badger her for them to be returned I am unlikely to see said items again.

30th October

My company has the worst office gossip. Jocelyn came up to me and whispered if I knew if one of the guys on reception smoked because she smelled cigarette smoke when he stood next to her in the queue for the snack van. Who cares? It's not exactly a lipstick on the collar revelation.

Kelly and I went out at lunch to get Mike's presents. Although, neither of us have any idea or interest as to what Mike would like I feel our choice of gifts was inspired. We bought a lion posing pouch from Anne Summers which had been discounted because the squeaking noise it was meant to make no longer worked, an England football shirt, a twelve-pack of beer and chocolate.

31st October

I made a special effort for Halloween. I bought loads of sweets for trick or treaters but none of them came to my door. It could be because I live on the second floor. Kids today are so lazy. They probably can't be arsed to walk anywhere even if it means getting free sweets.

Stephanie picked me up for our Tuesday class. It is important to have defensive skills but I'm not sure Yvonne is the right teacher for me. Her face is set in a permanent scowl which is accentuated by her many wrinkles and she screeches if we're not doing what she wants. There was a brief respite from her screeching when a chubby teenager practised a punch from a spreadeagled position and hit Yvonne in the groin. It's a good thing Yvonne is a woman or the lesson would have ended then. I still haven't learnt how to defend myself if someone attacks me from behind but Yvonne did teach us how to recover from a fall, if we're being chased, by doing a roly poly. Yvonne said this is sure to confuse our opponent but I question its efficacy.

1st November

I went to the garden centre down the road to buy fireworks. I picked out a £20 selection and was all ready to pay for it when I was stopped by the garden centre security and asked for ID. Unbelievable! Why does a garden centre need security? Horticulturalists are not generally known for their sticky fingers. Why the hell was I asked for ID? I'm thirty and have not been splattered with acne in over a decade.

2nd November

Mike's replacement came in today. She is in her mid-fifties and likes the colour grey. Her blouse, skirt, shoes and tights were grey and perfectly accessorised with a grey handbag and matching hair. Nobody bothered to introduce her so I took it upon myself to say hello. Her name is Doreen and she breeds budgerigars in her spare time. She is going to fit in here a little too well.

3rd November

Something is amiss with Dr Liebermann. He was very sweaty and looked like he hadn't shaved for a couple of days. I told him about The Five Ways of Love. He said it was balderdash. Then he said and I quote, "Reading self books is like me watching a cookery programme Misty. I can look at the pretty dishes and think, ooh how nice that looks, but unless I go and make the dish, it's not going to turn me into a better cook. You can read as many self help manuals as you want but unless you do what is stated in the books, it's not going to make you a better or happier person in the long term."  

I cut the session short because Dr Liebermann was talking gibberish and I wanted to get to Mike's leaving do in time. It was good to see Mike. Everyone was already drunk so there was a lot of catching up to do. I downed five slippery nipples and danced with Mike to Love Shack and the Grease Mega Mix. When I've Had The Time Of My Life came on Mike took my hand and said I could be Jennifer Grey to his Patrick Swayze. I said no and Mike told me I would be safe with him. It may have been the slippery nipples talking but I told Mike I was a lesbian. He laughed saying he knew and loved winding me up in the office because I was such an easy target. Then he told me he was bisexual which makes sense as I don't know many straight men who would want to dance like Patrick Swayze. The evening ended with us exchanging numbers and saying how much we loved each other. It was brilliant and I know we will stay in touch.

4th November

I left it to the last minute to pick up my Halloween costume. There were a lot of discounted 'traditional' Halloween outfits but I remembered Stephanie saying Jenny's friends were intellectuals so, in a brilliant flash of inspiration, I dressed up as Virginia Woolf. I bought a hooked nose and a black dress with bats on it but wore a cardigan over it so the bats couldn't be seen. I arrived at the party and for some reason no one guessed who I was meant to be. The first person I spoke to thought I was the wicked witch of the west and had forgotten to put green make-up. She was dressed as Elvira mistress of the dark so clearly had few literary pretensions. Depressingly, everybody else thought I was witch, especially when I gesticulated causing my cardie to fly open and expose the bats. Only Kajol got it right. Stephanie introduced us, then went to nail a Catherine Wheel to Jenny's fence.

We talked and although she's not my type she was interesting. She asked if I read Mrs Dalloway and I lied saying yes because I didn't want Kajol to think I was ignorant. I made a mental note to go to the library next week and speed read their copy. I changed the subject mentioning the five ways of love. Kajol said she hadn't read it and I encouraged her to do so. Stephanie was to go with the fireworks so went outside to watch them. I think mine were the biggest. After they finished I went back inside hoping to resume my conversation with Kajol but couldn't find her. I tried mingling for half an hour, with little success, so left.

5th November

I rang Stephanie on the pretence of finding out how the party went. She kept mentioning the fireworks so I cut to the chase and asked if Jenny had heard from Kajol. She said no but would let me know when she did. I told her not to be obvious about her intentions and she promised she wouldn't. It's not that I fancy Kajol but if she liked me I would find that flattering.

6th November

I was eating my dinner when there was a knock at the door. I opened it to two stunningly attractive women. One of them stepped forward and asked if I thought about religion much. I sort of nodded because I felt this was the correct answer. She gave me a copy of The Watchtower and something called Awake! which due to the placing of the exclamation mark in the title, suggested it was a matter of urgency I flick through it before Armageddon occurs. The woman said some more that what was written in it was God's word and not man's word, while the other one stayed strangely silent. Then the vocal one said goodbye and they walked off. I was actually disappointed they didn't invite themselves in for tea. If they're trying to convert others to their religion they need to be more proactive. I might try and find out where the nearest Jehovah Witness church is and see if they're members. Is it a sin to fancy religious women?

7th November

Why isn't self defence taught in schools? It's a lot more use in the real world than netball or throwing a shot putt. Finally, Yvonne taught us how to defend ourselves from behind and she picked me to be the victim. She told me to straighten my back and when I did she barked at me that it wasn't straight enough. She tried to practise the move on me but I guess she didn't like what I was doing because she sent me back to sit with the other students and chose the poor girl who kicked her in the flute last week. I am learning a lot from Yvonne but am glad the course is only for six weeks as she does scare me a wee bit.

8th November

I went to the library and got Mrs Dalloway. I flicked through it to see if there were any lesbian bits but couldn't see them which means I'll have to read the whole book. I also need to continue reading The Five Ways Of Love as I am still stuck balancing my power. I didn't realise finding out about love would be so time consuming.

9th November

My favourable first impression of Doreen is decidedly on the wane. I was going to the water cooler and asked Kelly if she wanted a drink which she did. I was nearly out of the room when Doreen shouted at me that while I was up I might as well make her a cup of tea and save her old legs. She's fifty. If she's that wobbly on her legs why hasn't she got the company to invest in a stairlift so she doesn't have to walk the two flights up to our office? When I gave it to her she told me that she'd be delegating some small jobs to me. I was polite but inwardly seething. She is not my boss and I've got enough to do with my normal work without also becoming Doreen's serf.

10th November

I didn't have therapy today. I went to Dr Liebermann's office but all the lights were off and the door was locked. Something very dodgy is going on. His secretary did not call to cancel my session so all I can think has happened is that Dr Liebermann has been called away to a psychiatric emergency.

So I wouldn't fall too behind on the road to recovery I read the third way of love. It is called; Let's Get Physical. Sex is important. I already knew that. It isn't just about sex though. Physical closeness with other humans and animals, if you like, (but not in a bestiality way) provides a sense of well-being and love. So the more people you touch up the happier you are going to be. It should also make them happy, unless you have clammy hands and are a creepy freak.

11th November

Mike rang me up to see if Kelly and I wanted to go out for a drink. I said I'd call her to see if she was free. Kelly said she was as Dawn was off visiting her sister. We shared a taxi and met Mike at The Sovereign. Mike bought the drinks for most of the night. We kept trying to give him money but he said it was his treat. He went to get the drinks at one point and we didn't see him for twenty minutes. When he came back he said he'd be chatting up the barman and got his phone number. He told us a very interesting story about Jerome one of the guys at work. He said Jerome was 'straight' but they'd had sex in the men's at work. Mike always seems to be having sex. His life is one continuous episode of Queer as Folk but with women thrown into the mix as well. I told him about Sam and how she had been straight but still wanted to have sex with me. He said he thought so many people lived in denial and he was lucky because being bi meant he had double the choice of partners. He said one night, him and I should go out cruising, find a woman we both fancy and then both of us chat her up. That way at least one of us is bound to pull.

It is interesting to me how a person whose only interactions I had were through work can have a completely different personality to the one they show from nine to five. Mike is nothing like I expected him to be. The truth is, when I wasn't in the office, I didn't think about him much at all. I wonder how many other people, who I spend huge chunks of my waking life with, have great personalities that I never get a glimpse of because work holds them back from showing who they really are.

12th November

I had a hangover and was starving so decided to go buy eggs and bacon and make myself eggs benedict for brunch. I returned from the shops and was getting out of my car when I heard Sam calling my name. I turned around expecting a confrontation but she was beaming and holding hands with a guy. His name was Daniel and he was her spanking new boyfriend. I said hello, there was silence and then I said goodbye. I let myself into the apartment and found I was no longer hungry so went back to bed.

The phone ringing woke me up. It was Stephanie. Jenny had, had lunch with Kajol and the conversation had turned to me. I said I didn't care and had given up on trying to have a relationship. Stephanie said oh and asked if I was okay and I said okay as a person can be who realises true love is something they will never experience. Stephanie asked if I had been watching Boys Don't Cry again and I said a film with a depressing ending is not enough to make me sad. Then she asked if I was hungover because she can get down when she's hungover and I said no. She said if I ever needed to talk to call her at anytime and she would always be there for me and love would be there for me one day too. Stephanie's got a great love life, for the time being, but I have no one and I can't see that changing.

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