Misty Shackle's Web Blog

26th May

I am excited because today is the day I start my web blog. It was Dr Liebermann's idea. Dr Liebermann is my therapist. He is great and almost like my best friend. Sometimes, when I'm talking about my problems, I notice him looking out of his office window with a frustrated expression. At these times I realise we have a symbiotic connection; he can feel my pain. It's usually during these moments he will say that he wants to try a different course of therapy. That's where this web blog comes in. Dr Liebermann wants me to write a diary, as a way to understand myself better. He said it would be good to have something that is only for me, so nobody else can influence what I write. Dr Liebermann wanted me to go to WHSmith and get a 2006 diary out of the reduced priced bin but I feel it's better to write a blog. That way I'm not harming the environment by wasting paper and when Dr Liebermann is at home he can log on and view my thoughts of the day.

27th May

Have been thinking some more about what Dr Liebermann said at our session yesterday. We get on so well that I wish he would let me call him Jeff. I know that's his first name because I saw it on one of the psychology certificates he has hanging on the wall. Dr Liebermann told me I could not use his first name because that would be crossing a line in the patient counsellor relationship which he was not prepared to step over. I'm going to bake brownies for when I next see him. That should change Jeff's mind.

28th May

Feel quite low today. I have so many strong emotions it's hard to keep track of them all. It also didn't help that when I hung the washing outside to dry it began to rain. Am fed up because I seem to have the worst luck out of anyone I know. Decided to write a haiku about it.

Rain, why do you mock?

I alone, am burdened by

mildewy T-shirts.

29th May

This morning as I lay in bed deciding whether my legs needed to be shaved or if they could go another day being stubbly, I had an epiphany. The reason I've been sad has nothing to do with intermittent drizzle. I need a companion. At first I thought I could buy a cat. The problem is I find cats rather intimidating creatures. Whenever it got bored I’d feel the need to entertain it. However, my biggest concern is that if I fell asleep the cat would jump on my face and smother me to death. I know this is true. When I was little my mum told me this whenever I asked if we could get a kitten. So, after lengthy deliberation, I decided the best course of action is to get a girlfriend instead of buying a pet. Am not sure how Jeff is going to take the news.

30th May

I spent all night deciding on the five qualities I shall be looking for in my next partner. They are:

1. Sensitivity - Somebody who is not afraid to know the real me. I am like a rare butterfly; be too rough and my wings will fall off.

2. Culturally astute - I want to sip on fine wines and visit art galleries with a woman whose appreciation of Da Vinci doesn't begin and end with a Dan Brown novel.

3. Intelligent - A person who is as intellectually challenging as myself.

4. Attractive - What's the point of dating someone with a fabulous personality if they look like a gargoyle?

5. Wealthy - This one needs no explanation.

31st May

It was unreasonably hot last night so I kept my bedroom window ajar. Then I became concerned an intruder would come through my window while I slept so closed it. I was  grouchy all day because it had been too hot to sleep. I called Stephanie as a way to keep myself awake at work and she told me I shouldn't worry about it as I'm on the third floor of the apartment. How she can be so casual about matters of personal safety bothers me.

1st June

Since I made the list of qualities I want in a girlfriend, I haven't seen a single woman I would like to cultivate a long term romance with, let alone get drunk and have quickie sex with behind Cheekies Nightclub. Where have all the cowgirls gone?

2nd June 

I am rather upset after my counselling session with Dr Liebermann. When I questioned him about my blog it turns out he hadn't looked at it all during the week. At first I thought perhaps he was unaware that I started one. I mean, I'd rung his office several times during the week, leaving messages with his secretary because apparently, Dr Liebermann is always "busy" when I call. I assumed she never gave him the messages, she has a faint monobrow so I know she can't be trusted, but Dr Liebermann said she did. He decided he would rather not look at the blog fearing it would not be constructive to my well-being. I asked him why. He said it would give my feelings a public forum where I could be judged by strangers. I actually can't see a problem with that. To placate him we reached an agreement. For his sake I will write a private diary but still write the blog and just not tell him about it. There was another bone of contention between us. I mentioned that I baked brownies for him as we were getting on so well but forgot to bring them. He said that was crossing a line in the same way as calling him Jeff would be crossing a line. He was rather terse with me throughout the whole session. I've decided I'm going to change therapists because Dr Liebermann is not as friendly as I believed and I'm sure is a breach of our relationship. I pay this man for his friendship; if he won't be my friend then who the hell will be?

3rd June

I couldn't be bothered to make breakfast so I ate the brownies while looking in the therapist section of the Yellow Pages. There are many psychiatrists out there so I'm in a bit of a tizzy. I might ring them all and see who has the nicest phone voice. I shall conduct interviews with the chosen few to see whose views about me most match my own. Then I shall make my final selection. I became tired after deciding upon this so I had an afternoon nap. By the time I woke up it was too late to call the psychiatrists so I'll have to wait until Monday now before contacting them.

4th June

I went out with Stephanie last night and had a great time. She split up with the woman she met at line dancing so didn't have much to say. I told her everything that had happened to me all week and she sat and listened. I joked that she should become my new psychiatrist because I wouldn't need to pay her. We left the pub early which was was a shame. Stephanie developed a splitting headache so it would have been unreasonable of me to prolong her anguish.

5th June

I hate Monday mornings. I can never sleep the night before because I get so worried about work. Thank goodness there wasn't much to do. I spent most of the day emailing my friends humourous forwards. One email I received informed me that if I sent it to the five people I care about most in the world in the next five minutes, then I would meet the person of my dreams in a month's time. If I didn't I would die a slow, grisly death involving either a car or snakes. I hastily sent it off to my mum, Stephanie, my ex, my ex's ex and Dr Liebermann. I deliberately put him last so he would know how upset I am with him.

6th June

Sometimes I think the people at work aren't on my level. They are nice enough people usually, but I can't relate to a lot of what they say. Take for instance, today. Mike came over and out of the blue asked if I was a vegetarian. I said no and he walked away. Nobody at work knows I'm a lesbian and I kind of get the impression he fancies me. He's always asking me strange questions as if he has to make up a reason to talk to me. Inquiring about food preferences makes me think he's plucking up the courage to ask me out and wants to pick just the right restaurant for us to go to. Poor guy. I shall compassionately turn him down when the situation occurs.

7th June

Damn it, I forgot to ring up any of the therapists today. I'd put it on my to do list and  everything. Oh well, it's too late to call now and as I'm at home it makes more sense to do it tomorrow and use the work phone.

8th June

Damn it, forgot again! Oh well, guess I'm back at Dr Liebermann's tomorrow. I called Stephanie. She told me her head is much better which I'd completely forgotten about. As the weather's so nice, we're going into London this weekend to see if we can pull. I asked if she was over the line dancer. It was a bad connection as her voice became quite quiet. I managed to hear what I'm sure was an affirmative. Ended the phone call as it became too difficult to tell what Stephanie was saying so suggested she emailed instead.

9th June

Very good session with Dr Liebermann! I am so glad I put off finding a new therapist. His latest idea was for me to build a box out of card (he had a handy cut-out template for me to use). Whenever I'm sad I write down the problem, put the piece of paper in the box and close the    lid thereby symbolically shutting the problem out of my life. I couldn't wait to get started. It took the whole session to construct but am feeling proud of my achievement. I wrote Misty's Box Of Secrets on the lid and drew cute little flowers on the sides. Now all I need to do is buy pink glitter from Woolies and stick it on.

10th June

I'm so glad I have my box, but if bad things continue to happen it shall be full to brimming by Wednesday. I did my weekly shop at Tesco and was accosted by a mad woman who wanted the same Honeydew melon I did. Experience has taught me that there is no point in trying to reason with the clinically insane ( I know she was two sandwiches short of a picnic because I saw her tap-dancing down the frozen meat aisle). I generously allowed her the fruit. She whistled at my cleavage and then scarpered.  Violated by the intrusion on my personal space I told a member of staff who was sorting out different brands of tinned carrots. He seemed less than interested so I shall now be writing a letter of complaint to the CEO of Tesco. Surely it wouldn't be too difficult to have a vetting system in place to weed out loonies? I wrote an ode in an attempt to find my core.

Ode To Melons

Honeydew

If you only knew

The pain you put me through.

You taste so sweet

But in your fruitiness lies deceit

And so I bid a hasty retreat.

It was with relief I received Stephanie's phone call. She rang to say she couldn't come out tonight because her headache had returned and turned into a full blown migraine. I could hear laughter in the background and when I asked about it Stephanie explained it was the TV. Why didn't she turn it down it while she was on the phone? We arranged to go to London at a later date which is fine by me as I'm boracic at the mo.

11th June

I had a great Sunday. For breakfast I ate my special recipe muesli and yoghurt, washed down with a mug of roasted arabica bean coffee. To follow, I had a glass of juice, two parts grapefruit, one part orange.

I went into the communal gardens, put down my yoga mat and listened to Jill Scott. As I lay supine, a gorgeous girl flitted past. She was playing Frisbee with a little boy. Thanks to my Jackie O sunglasses I was able to take surreptitious looks at her. She was quite an athlete; very limber zig-zagging all over the lawn. She also has the nicest legs I've ever seen. At one point the Frisbee came near me so I picked it up. The little lad came over to collect it and so I pretended to like children as I handed it back. The girl, impressed by my maternal-like ways, flashed me a very cute grin. I stayed out longer than intended (I have loads of washing to do) but don't care because it was so nice to see her having fun. Is she a lesbian? I'll do my best to find out.